I took off work today, and I curled up on the sofa in front of the TV. I can’t say that I’m really watching it but it’s on and there’s a wide variety of old sitcoms dancing across it. I must confess that though I called in sick, I’m not sick – I’m pregnant.

As I mentioned, my body had been a little off lately. I contributed it to relationship woes, being uprooted, etc. but suddenly I found myself with a “green around the gills” feeling and there was no denying it – something in my body was changing. The pregnancy test I took that morning turned positive almost immediately and it was currently sitting next to the sink, it was almost like a magic wand that I used to dispel my disbelief. I’d walk in and pick it up and look at it again – there was no doubt, I was pregnant.

I wasted first part of the morning contemplating the “how” of this situation. Don’t get me wrong I understand the basics, but didn’t we always use condoms? I tried to replay the last few weeks that Rob and I lived together until ultimately I realized that I was just looking backwards to avoid trying to figure out what to do about the future. If we had forgotten to use one once, or if there had been some mishap, was irrelevant – I was pregnant.

In the interest of full disclosure I will admit that I considered ALL of the options available to me, as I stayed close to the house, weighing all of them careful.

I considered terminating the pregnancy. It was the easiest option for me to rule out, but I would be dishonest if I didn’t admit that I thought about it. I didn’t think it would be the easiest option to live with afterward, but it would be something that I would have to live with alone – I wouldn’t have to deal with disappointing my family, telling my coworkers. At the end of contemplating – I realized that all of my reasons that made terminating my pregnancy seem attractive were all rather selfish, and considering that it was such a selfless act that brought me into this world it seemed like a poor way to repay my Birthmother’s selflessness.

The second option I discarded was keeping the baby. I was living in a one bedroom apartment, with very little furniture, trying very hard to make ends meet on my own. I didn’t think I could count on Rob for any help – financial or otherwise. I kept thinking about the hard questions that I knew would be inevitable – how come I don’t have a Dad? Where did I come from? I kept thinking about the talents the baby might have that I would be responsible for helping to cultivate – how would I be able to afford tee ball, piano lessons, or anything else “extra” that the baby might want? I thought about all the struggles that were ahead for the baby and me and I felt that I was entirely unequal to the task. I wanted more for the baby than this one bedroom apartment without a bed. (Of course I should point out that while one neat paragraph may make it look like a quick decision – it wasn’t.)

So I came to adoption, but do I really think I could place my baby for adoption?  I wonder how I would go about finding adoptive parents, I knew that I had family members that were currently trying to find babies to adopt but I didn’t think I could have my child be close and yet not know who I was. (Not to mention what happens when they find out that “cousin Joy” is really their birthmother?) No, keeping the baby in my family seems like a bad idea.

I started making lists of the things that I needed to pull together to proceed. I want to find an adoption attorney,  I need to Google adoption and see what information is out there, I have to figure out what I was going to tell my family (and when), and of course there is the sticky situation with Rob. (I’d rather just drop off the planet and never talk to him again, too imature? I don’t know.)

I have a starting point, I am pregnant and placing my child for adoption, and a rough idea of where to go from here. I have to admit that I’m a little scared, but I have to do what’s right for me, and what’s right for the baby growing inside me, and making me feel mildly nauseous, even as I write this.