Archive for December, 2009

I’m somewhat of a creature of habit, so almost every morning I stop at Circle K and grab something to drink in place of my occasional coffee.  Usually I grab fruit juice or bottled water but with Christmas a few days away I decided to treat myself to a nice hot chocolate. I was standing there in line, waiting for my turn at the register,  enjoying the smell of hot chocolate and when I stepped up to pay, Ms Casey smiled at me.

“The man in line before you, he paid for your hot chocolate.” she told me.

“What?” I asked, completely confused.

“He told me to wish you a Merry Christmas,” she said smiling sweetly.

There was no one in line behind me for me to “pay forward” this nice gesture too, so I tried to get out of the door in time to thank the mystery man. I saw him from behind his steering wheel, he was obviously in the Navy – he was wearing a flight suit and his brown hair was cropped into a short military hair cut. He smiled when he saw me, and returning his smile I waved and mouthed “thank you.”

I was shocked that a handsome man had just smiled at me, I was pregnant. Bring pregnant was already becoming such a part of how I thought about myself that it wasn’t until I was pulling into the office that I realized that though I saw myself as pregnant, to the untrained eye I didn’t look pregnant. I hadn’t gained much weight yet, what with all the throwing up, and the small bump that was there was easily hidden under the bulk of winter clothes.

I walked into the office ready to tie up any loose holiday ends. Ken was standing there talking to the receptionist and he looked at me and smiled brightly.

“Today, you’re glowing, ” he said.

I blushed, and made my way to my office, but I thought that today was the first day I was hopeful that there might be more to my life than just being pregnant.

I cannot tell a lie, visits to the ob/gyn are my least favorite doctors visits – they are horribly uncomfortable, so I’m going to gloss over the gory details. My first OB visit went much like every GYN visit I’ve every had, after I endured the indignity of being weighed “in public” (okay in public means by the nurses station where no one is really paying attention but the number is always higher than I think it’s going to be.) I was put into the stirrups where I closed my eyes and tried to send my mind some place more exotic.

The new aspect was that instead of leaving at that point, I was taken to the doctor’s office where I sat patiently waiting for him. I looked at the pictures of the doctor and his beautiful wife and children. He had warm kind eyes and I noticed that his children seemed to have inherited his warm kind eyes. (As someone that is adopted I am always fascinated looking at how biological parents and children are similar.) The doctor bustled in with my file, and patted my shoulder as he passed me on his way to his desk.

“You’re into your second trimester,” he said “and I would say your due date is June 11. We need to get you scheduled for an ultra sound. Are you taking any prenatal vitamins?”

“Over the counter ones,” I responded.

“I’m going to give you some samples of prescription prenatal vitamins,” he paused and flipped through some of the pages in my file.

“You are placing your child for adoption?” he asked, looking up at me.

“Yes,” I said simply.

“I want you to know that I applaud you in your decision, and my staff and I will do whatever we can to support you.”

I opened my mouth to answer him, and I thought I squeaked out a thanks, but eyes started to fill with tears at this unexpected statement. I was moved beyond words.

“We’ll work out the financial arrangements with your attorney, please don’t worry about anything on that front. Focus on taking care of yourself and the baby.”

He came around the desk and handed me my paperwork to take to checkout and patted my shoulder as he passed again. Graciously, leaving me with a moment to compose myself before I left his office.

Perhaps it was my imagination but I felt a genuine warmth from his staff as I checked out and made my appointment for the next month.

Back at work, I talked to the receptionist about blocking out my doctor’s appointment for next month. While we were chatting I noticed that Cathy and her business partner Charlie were out of the office for the afternoon. I still felt rattled by Cathy’s reaction to my news but I knew that I was not going to be able to hide my pregnancy for long so it was time to bite the bullet and tell my coworkers.

I supervised our art department, there were three guys in there. Ken who was the team leader and two years older than me and then Tim and Josh who were both much younger. I walked back into their office and as is often the case with creative people there was some nerf ball rolling across the floor. I glanced at the job board, frowning – a common occurrence in that office, but in fact I was buying time, trying to find the words.

“Guys, there’s something I need to tell you.” I said as I turned to face them.

The radio was turned down, heads popped up from the back cubicles kind of like prairie dogs popping out of holes and Ken leaned around his monitor to look at me.

“I’m pregnant and since Rob and I are hardly able to be in the same room together, we obviously can’t parent a child together, so I’m placing the child for adoption.”

At this point I didn’t think I had any expectations because everyone I had shared this news with had reacted so differently, but I was surprised again by the reaction.

“Thank God,” Ken said to me and then he turned to Josh and Tim. “see I told you there was a logical reason.”

“A logical reason?” I asked, puzzled.

“Yea, for all the throwing up,” Tim said with a slight tone of exasperation as though it should’ve been obvious what they were talking about. Ken and Josh nodded in agreement. “we were worried you were developing an eating disorder.”

“But you didn’t seem to be losing weight,” Ken said with a solemn expression and a twinkle of mischief in his eyes.

My cheeks colored slightly, as I didn’t realize that everyone knew I was throwing up but of course, the walls were thin and the bathroom was rather centrally located so I imagine I had been heard in there more than once.

If you had told me that those three men that I so often thought of as “man children” with all of the toys in the office, late night movies, and long talks about video games would have taken the news so in stride I would’ve been flabbergasted. However, there was a slight shift, as they took me under their wings and tried to protect me. In the days that followed they learned that french fries didn’t make me sick, and so they often brought me some back when they ran to get lunch whether I asked for them or not. I was also presented with ginger ale and ginger candy as someone had read some article that told them ginger was good for upset stomachs. There was, of course, teasing now – after a bout of morning sickness I was told that it was the watery eyes that made pregnant woman seem to glow, but I was touched by their kindness more than I was harassed by their humor.

There was still a coolness that I couldn’t explain between Cathy and myself, but I refused to settle on it for any length of time. After all I was under the advice of my doctor to focus on myself and my baby and the blessings of friendship were far outweighing the small bumps in the road I had encountered and I knew I would still encounter.

The day before my doctor’s appointment, I was scheduled to have dinner with my Mom and Mary and I was so nervous. I met my Mom at the restaurant a little early, and with tears in my eyes I told her about what had happened with Cathy. My Mom frowned as she listened, and then she reached across the table and placed her hand over mine.

“Joy, you are going to have people give you their opinions and advice, whether you ask for it or not, you’re going to have to learn how to let those things go,” she said.

“I know,” I said because I’ve never been one to care too much what other people thought or said about me, “but Cathy was my mentor, for her to say that really hurt.” My eyes welled with tears again, but I blinked them away as best I could while my Mom continued to pat my hand.

After I felt like I was back in control of my feelings, I told my Mom that I had made my doctor’s appointment. I also told her that I had experienced my first craving, crab rangoon, I could eat it almost every day and it never made me sick. Someone told me that cravings stem from things that your body knows that it needs, I couldn’t imagine what the baby needed with cream cheese and imitation crab, but I was glad for a reprieve from being sick. We were laughing about my craving when Mary was shown to our table.

In the laughter I had forgotten more than my hurt feelings, I had forgotten my nervousness and perhaps that is why Mary almost immediately seemed like a long lost friend. Mary’s hair and eyes were darker than my Mom’s but there was something about them that was so similar, perhaps it was an aura of warmth and compassion.

I immediately felt at ease around Mary, but my Mom was in Mother Bear mode, trying to protect her cub! For the first fifteen to twenty minutes, she went about the business of the adoption, asking questions about the process, about what assistance was available to me, what paperwork had to be signed, what my responsibilities were, etc. etc. For my part, I told Mary I had a doctor’s appointment the very next day, and she gave me her card to give to them, along with the name of her administrative assistance in the event that she was out of the office. Her office would ensure that my medical expenses were all taken care of since I didn’t have any health insurance, but I was ineligible for any state programs. (The bills would ultimately be paid by the adoptive parents.) I also provided my list of living expenses, things like rent, phone, an estimate of my grocery, and other miscellaneous expenses.  My Mom wanted to know how those things would be handled if something happened and I was put on bedrest and unable to work and Mary went over the things on my list that the birthparents would pay for and what they would not. (Most of the expenses were covered, though things like cable were not – of course, this varies depending on the state and the laws in that state.)

Finally we got to the heart of the matter, I gave Mary back the profiles of the parents that I had not selected and showed her Beth and John’s profile and explained how I picked them. I still felt a little bit like I had to defend my decision, like there had to be more than gut instinct involved.  My heart still ached for the parents that I couldn’t pick, Mary sensed my heavy heart and assured me that in time they would find children for all of the parents whose stories I had gotten to know in my own adoption journey. I asked Mary NOT to call Beth and John until after my doctor’s appointment, just to make sure that I don’t get their hopes up if something is amiss.

With all of the business of the dinner out of the way, the most remarkable thing happened – Mary shared her own personal adoption experience with us, she was the adopted mother of a beautiful little girl. Her daughter’s birthmother had been a woman who already had a house full of children and she didn’t think that she could take care of another one, so she placed her baby girl for adoption. Apparently she didn’t have an adoption plan, she came to the decision at the hospital, signed papers and left. Mary said that she often wished she could forward pictures of her daughter to the birthmother, just so she would be able to see how beautiful and loved the little girl was. My mom and I both had tears in our eyes when she finished her story, but then my Mom shared her adoption experience with us.

My Mom and I often talked about adoption, but some of this was new and different. I knew that some of my story was similar to Mary’s story – my birthmother came to the hospital to deliver me and the adoption plans were made after that. However, my Mom admitted that even years after my adoption, when there were cases about birthparent rights, she sometimes worried that my birthmother would show up and try to take me back. I was shocked to hear that, I never knew that my Mom had ever been worried that someone would try to take me away from her.  I understood a little better her concern that I not contact adopted parents until I was sure that was the course of action I was going to take; apparently she had often considered what it would be like to lose her daughter, even after I was legally and undoubtedly hers.

As the two women shared their experiences and I saw the tentative roots of friendship taking place, I was struck by the irony that both of them were so obviously Mothers. Everything about them seem warm, comforting, compassi0nate – they were made to be mothers, and yet neither of them was able to have a baby and here I was…not even remotely ready to be a mother, but the baby growing inside me, made me one whether I was ready to be one or not!

Picture from People Magazine - 05 Oct 09

I promise that I did NOT start this blog to be a shrine to Catelynn and Tyler, but I couldn’t resist sharing this link that I came across this morning. it might be my last Catelynn and Tyler post but I’m not going to promise that! LOL! What I love about their story most is that it is a positive portrayal of adoption – it rang true with me from beginning to end. The connection that they talked about sharing with their adoptive parents,  the determination to do what is best for their daughter – even when their own parents were against them. I just can’t help myself – I loved their story.

http://www.people.com/people/archive/article/0,,20314176,00.html

As I mentioned earlier,  I am a huge fan of Catelynn and Tyler from MTV’s documentary series 16 and Pregnant. Well MTV is starting a new series this Tuesday, December 8th at 10pm et/pt  called Teen Mom following four of the stories – one of them is Catelynn and Tyler.

The series is being done documentary style as opposed to the Real World social experiment which abandoned its humble roots and has taken a turn for the salacious.  Some of the moments that they show in the sneak peek are cringe worthy, but some of the situations these teen mothers and their babies are heart breaking.

I’m hoping to see more from Catelynn and Tyler, and hoping that their adoption experience will continue to be worth watching.

http://www.mtv.com/shows/teen_mom/series.jhtml