Archive for January, 2010

We had a rather difficult week at work, a substantial part of our business model is supported through our Internet business and for a day and a half our Internet went down. We have these mysterious tech guys who hang around, and at times it seems like they are nothing more than over paid children hanging out in the office, drinking coffee, shooting nerf guns across cluttered rooms at each other. However, I really got to see them swing into action when things went wrong. They worked around the clock until everything was back up and running.

It was because of the outage that I found myself in an unusual situation, there was hardly anyone in the office yesterday at the end of the day. Our sales guys was out beating the street, there was one designer left in the design room in the back, so Cathy, Kay, and I were sitting in the front office. The work day was done but we were collectively catching our breath after the craziness of the last few days. Normally one of the tech guys would be walking through to get more coffee or Larry, the sales guy, would be following after Cathy talking about paradigms and other things that tended to make me giggle a little bit. However, today there was just us – the women of our company.

I was sitting on the sofa and I was tired, bone tired. Kay, the receptionist/secretary, and I had been talking about nothing in particular when Cathy had walked in and joined us. A quiet settled over the three of us, it wasn’t an uncomfortable quiet, but clearly there was an elephant in the room. Cathy, always the leader, started things.

“Joy, I hope you aren’t upset at what I told you the other day,” she said “I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings. I really admire what you’re trying to do, I just think you don’t realize how much you’re going to love that baby. Once you have the baby, once you hold it in your arms, you just aren’t going to be able to just let it go.”

In my brain, I flipped through possible responses to this statement. I found none that seemed acceptable. I could tell her that she was wrong, she didn’t know me. I could tell her I already loved the baby and that was why I knew I had to follow through with my plan. I could give her a hundred reasons why I just knew in my heart of hearts that this was what I had to do to make sure that my baby had the life he/she deserved, with two stable parents who loved each other and could give the baby a secure home. I said none of that. Cathy was the mother of two beautiful girls that she loved very much.

“I guess we’ll see,” I said.

“I want you to know that if you change your mind, your family here will support you in any way we can.” she said.

Kay had been sitting quietly at her desk, Kay was always rather quiet and soft spoken, but when she spoke up I saw that color had spread across her cheeks.

“Well, I want you to know that you have my support now, and I am really proud of your decision.”

I had always liked Kay but she and I didn’t have much in the way of common ground. She was ten years older than me and lived at home with her parents that she took care of. When some of us went to the movies or dinner together, she always went home. I was never really clear if she had to go home or she preferred to go home, and it’s not really my nature to pry so I just left it alone. However, for her soft spoken demeanor this outpouring of support was unexpected and welcome. Cathy was surprised.

“I didn’t mean that I don’t support her now, I just wanted her to know that she has options.” Cathy said.

“I got pregnant, when I was in college,” Kay said softly, “and everyone kept reminding me that I had options, while they kept pushing me towards one option. The option that they thought was best.”

Kay turned her green eyes on me, they were shining with tears. “I’ve always wondered if the reason I’ve never found someone to share my life with is because I terminated that pregnancy. Maybe God is punishing me for being selfish.”

Tears welled in my eyes and I crossed to the room and I hugged her. We hugged and cried for several minutes, and Cathy stood by awkwardly her own eyes filled with tears.

“I got pregnant in high school, and I terminated it,” she said “I always wondered if that baby would’ve been the son that Chuck and I always wanted.”

Cathy had married her high school sweetheart, and it always seemed to me that they had the storybook life that you see in the movies. They met and fell in love as teenagers, they went on to college, then got married, have a house, two beautiful little girls, etc. etc.

My heart ached for them, for the babies that they lost, the punishment that they thought they had brought on themselves, and the pain that the loss obviously still held for them. We talked for a long time that evening, and long after the tears were dry the heartache lingered. I don’t believe that they were bring punished or kept from what they wanted because of decisions they made in the past, but what I believe is irrelevant, clearly that is what they believed and that made their choice so difficult to make peace with.

The conversation took me on an emotional roller coast, it left me exhausted, but at the end I was aware of two things – the first was that no matter what decision I made, there would be loss, doubt, and overwhelming emotions.  The second thing was that I was even more committed to my adoption plan, as if I even thought that was possible. (Can you go from 100% to 110%?) I knew that Cathy was right, I loved the baby now and I would love it even more when I could hold it in my arms and count the ten fingers and ten tiny little toes, but sometimes love is letting go. Sometimes you have to love someone enough to do the right thing, not the thing that feels right in that one tiny moment. Cathy was right, adoption was going to be hard, but knowing all the options I still couldn’t see changing my plan.

I have loved having Beth’s email address, we email back and forth several times a day. Through the emails I’ve been getting to know Beth better and the more I get to know her, the more I like her. Some of our emails are about the baby, my pregnancy and their plans for the future, but some of them are just emails about our lives. She’s working right now in retail, but she’ll be quitting to be a stay at home Mom when the baby comes. She asked about my job, what I like to do on my days off, if I go to the beach since I am so close. I feel like she’s interested in me, as a person, not just me as a human incubator for her future child. I can tell that we are still feeling each other out, trying not to say things that will upset the apple cart, but I feel like a solid foundation is being built. Beth and John are planning a visit to come down and meet us sometime in the next month or two.

I’ve always liked my quite, independent life, but lately I’m thinking that it might be time to let someone else in – I’ve been thinking about getting a dog. When I grew up, we always had dogs, and I think there’s a certain magic to the relationship between people and their four legged companions. One thing that has got in the way is that I prefer bigger dogs, and it seems like apartment dwelling dogs are always of the small variety. However, I took an online dog compatibility test and Greyhound came out at the top of the list. I had never really thought about getting a Greyhound, they are runners and I am not, but I emailed my local rescue group to get more information.

In other news, I’ve run into Russ a couple of times, and he always seems very happy to see me. We chat while we wait in line and when we part ways he always tells me to have a great day. He has this amazing bright smile and I have to admit that I’m developing quite a crush on him, but still I’m pregnant…am I allowed to have crushes? or go out on dates? I’m still not sure but right now I’m just enjoying that this handsome man seems to be interested in me.

I still have weirdness at work with Cathy, and I’m really sad about it. She seems to be keeping her distance from me, and she’s someone that was not just my boss but my mentor and my friend. I can’t imagine why she would be so disappointed or upset with me, but she certainly seems to be. I normally tend to confront problems straight on so I would normally confront her, but there is something about this pregnancy that makes me feel so vulnerable. I think there’s part of me that is genuinely afraid to find out what she might say if I pushed the issue.

The man who bought me my hot chocolate, his name was Russ and he is a flight student in the Navy. I know this now because I saw him in Circle K, and I smiled and said hello and thanked him for his generous gift. We talked for a few minutes and then we both had to head off to our perspective jobs. Russ makes me feel conflicted. He is handsome and generous, someone that in another time and a place I would love to go on a date with and I would be hopeful that a relationship would form, but can you date while you’re pregnant? I’m not sure, but as he hasn’t asked me out yet, I suppose that’s putting the cart before the horse.

With Rob back in town, Mary and I setup a phone call between us and Beth and John. I wanted to do it while he was still out of town, but he surprised me and said that he would like to be there. In an effort to show that I was willing to be accommodating I drove out to his house on the day of the call and they called us there.

It was a strange feeling, that feeling that this house that had been OUR house, was not mine anymore. It seemed a little surreal to be there as a visitor, but I was excited to talk to Beth and John so when the phone rang on schedule at 6:00 I could hardly keep myself from answering the phone like a breathless teenager.

“Hello?” I said, and for a split second I was filled with terror, what if this was Emily?

“Hello, is this Joy?” a woman’s voice said from the other end.

“Yes, yes it is!” I said excitedly.

“This is Beth,” the voice said.

“And John,” a male voice chimed in.

“This is Rob, the birthfather, I’m here too.” Rob said from the phone in the bedroom.

It is very hard for me to explain the connection that I felt to Beth and John from that very first phone call, but I felt an immediate connection. I felt a current of excitement between the three of us immediately. Beth and John started to ask questions about how I was feeling, what my likes and dislikes were now that I was pregnant. I told them about my recent cravings for Crab Rangoon, how during the really ferocious bouts of “morning” sickness my coworkers were bringing me french fries since they seemed to stay down better. I got a sense that Beth and John were happy that I had people in my corner. I told them about feeling the baby, and I could tell they were as excited as I was! I asked about what they do for a living, what preparations they had made, and without me asking they told me about the journey that brought them to adoption.

Rob stayed quiet during the first excited exchanges and then he cleared his throat and said “I have some questions I would like to ask.”

Hmmm, this was news to me.

“What religion are you people?” Rob said.

“We’re Catholic,” John said.

“I guess that’s okay, I wouldn’t want to give my baby to a Satanist or anything” He said.

Nervous laughter erupted from me, and I could tell it sounded off, but frankly, this was as unexpected to me as it probably was to Beth and John.

“I’m Mormon, so Religion is very important to me.” Rob announced.

In truth, Rob was raised Seventh Day Adventist and in college became LDS when he met his wife, well now ex-wife. He was a non-practicing LDS, early on in our relationship I had helped him burn his garments and other things that he was not allowed to wear because of his current Church status. I was a Christian Mutt, raised Episcopal, went to a Catholic School, and attending a Methodist Church – never during the course of our relationship was religion ever an issue – I was shocked to hear it was an issue today.

Rob asked more questions about their educational backgrounds, their relationship, and their family medical history. At this point the Rob was asking questions and John was answering them and I felt like a tub of cold water had been thrown on me. I knew about their education backgrounds and their relationship, all of the questions that Rob asked were in their profile. I also though asking about their medical histories was kind of funny because that was really something we brought to the table more than the adoptive parents.

Finally, Rob seemed out of questions and there was a pause.

“Would you like to exchange email addresses?” Beth asked softly.

“No thanks, have a good evening,” Rob said and hung up.

“I would!” I said at the same time, and then repeated it after Rob hung up, “I would really like that Beth.”

So we exchanged email addresses and said our good-byes. I hung up the phone feeling happy and hopeful.

I left Rob’s house that night a few minutes later. I had nothing to say about his interrogation, because I tried to remind myself that what we needed to feel confident in our decision was different and as long as he felt comfortable and at ease with our decision, it should ultimately make the whole process easier on all parties involved and who was I to say what should be important to him in this process?

I am always thrilled when the holidays arrive and I am relieved to see them go. This year the holidays were bittersweet. Surrounded by family on Christmas day things seemed very normal, until I had a bout of morning sickness after some smoked salmon. My Dad teased me that it was a waste of perfectly good salmon, but I saw a touch of sadness in his eyes. My sickness had been a reminder of the baby, and the inevitable good-bye, that would follow the baby’s birth.

Most of my Christmas presents were not under the tree, my Mom took me shopping for maternity clothes. She bought me several dresses to wear to work and a few casual outfits. I saw the look on her face when I stepped out of the dressing room the first time, there was a fleeting moment of surprise when she realized that under baggy winter clothes there was a visible bump that told of the baby. In maternity clothes, there was no denying I was pregnant. That realization was a bit surprising for me too, and so after the shopping trip I retreated back to the comfort of my jeans and sweater that helped make me look “fluffy” perhaps but helped protect me and my baby from prying eyes. However, arms full of bags my Mom told me how beautiful I looked in my new clothes and she seemed so genuinely happy that I couldn’t help but feel hopeful too.

I spent most of the week off work, visiting with my parents or quietly at home. I’ve never been a big one for New Year’s Eve celebrations, but something about pregnancy made me more tired than usual and I was having a hard time staying awake until ten o’clock on nights that Law & Order was on so I didn’t plan to try to stay awake to midnight. I treated myself to two orders of Crab Rangoon from the takeout place around the corner and tucked in to watch what I could of the festivities on tv. (Crab Rangoon had been my first real craving, I could eat it happily for three meals a day but I was unconvinced that it had any kind of real nutritional value so I tried to behave myself.) I don’t even remember what time I fell asleep.

For me all of the hustle and bustle of the holidays were almost completely eclipsed when I felt the baby kick two days into the new year. I think I had felt it before, I wasn’t really sure what it was. A little movement inside, a quick poke, a nudge, it’s hard to explain but when I realized what the feeling was I laughed out loud!

“So there you are!” I said out loud to the baby, and pressed my hand against my stomach hoping to feel it again.

The thump of the kicking was intermittent at best, but there it was. I wanted to tell someone, but after a few moments of standing there with the phone in my hand I put it back down. Rob was celebrating the holidays with Emily, so I wasn’t going to call him. I couldn’t bring myself to call my parents, I wasn’t sure if this was a milestone they would celebrate or mourn. I wished that I knew the adoptive parents to tell them but I didn’t know what I would say – “hello, the baby is kicking, our baby, your baby?” what was the etiquette.

In my mind I went over a list of people I could call, but a little kick reminded me that I was sharing this moment with someone, it was the two of us – me and the baby, what an amazing miracle to be a part of.