I am always thrilled when the holidays arrive and I am relieved to see them go. This year the holidays were bittersweet. Surrounded by family on Christmas day things seemed very normal, until I had a bout of morning sickness after some smoked salmon. My Dad teased me that it was a waste of perfectly good salmon, but I saw a touch of sadness in his eyes. My sickness had been a reminder of the baby, and the inevitable good-bye, that would follow the baby’s birth.

Most of my Christmas presents were not under the tree, my Mom took me shopping for maternity clothes. She bought me several dresses to wear to work and a few casual outfits. I saw the look on her face when I stepped out of the dressing room the first time, there was a fleeting moment of surprise when she realized that under baggy winter clothes there was a visible bump that told of the baby. In maternity clothes, there was no denying I was pregnant. That realization was a bit surprising for me too, and so after the shopping trip I retreated back to the comfort of my jeans and sweater that helped make me look “fluffy” perhaps but helped protect me and my baby from prying eyes. However, arms full of bags my Mom told me how beautiful I looked in my new clothes and she seemed so genuinely happy that I couldn’t help but feel hopeful too.

I spent most of the week off work, visiting with my parents or quietly at home. I’ve never been a big one for New Year’s Eve celebrations, but something about pregnancy made me more tired than usual and I was having a hard time staying awake until ten o’clock on nights that Law & Order was on so I didn’t plan to try to stay awake to midnight. I treated myself to two orders of Crab Rangoon from the takeout place around the corner and tucked in to watch what I could of the festivities on tv. (Crab Rangoon had been my first real craving, I could eat it happily for three meals a day but I was unconvinced that it had any kind of real nutritional value so I tried to behave myself.) I don’t even remember what time I fell asleep.

For me all of the hustle and bustle of the holidays were almost completely eclipsed when I felt the baby kick two days into the new year. I think I had felt it before, I wasn’t really sure what it was. A little movement inside, a quick poke, a nudge, it’s hard to explain but when I realized what the feeling was I laughed out loud!

“So there you are!” I said out loud to the baby, and pressed my hand against my stomach hoping to feel it again.

The thump of the kicking was intermittent at best, but there it was. I wanted to tell someone, but after a few moments of standing there with the phone in my hand I put it back down. Rob was celebrating the holidays with Emily, so I wasn’t going to call him. I couldn’t bring myself to call my parents, I wasn’t sure if this was a milestone they would celebrate or mourn. I wished that I knew the adoptive parents to tell them but I didn’t know what I would say – “hello, the baby is kicking, our baby, your baby?” what was the etiquette.

In my mind I went over a list of people I could call, but a little kick reminded me that I was sharing this moment with someone, it was the two of us – me and the baby, what an amazing miracle to be a part of.

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