Archive for February, 2010

Russ is proving to be a good friend. I expected him to drop me like a hot potato after our date, but he has continued to call and ask how I’m doing. I admit that he hasn’t mentioned going anywhere in public with me, which makes me a little sad, (I mean friends have dinner together every now and then don’t they?) but really the fact that he didn’t completely run screaming for the hills never to be heard from again is a true testament to what a great guy he is.

In retrospect, sending Beth an email with the subject line “my four legged baby” was not terribly bright, before she opened the attachment and her eyes scanned the contents of the email she admitted that she thought I had an ultrasound and that there was something wrong with the baby. I must admit though that I was impressed that of all the emotions Beth conveyed in her email – fear for the baby, concern for how they would address such an odd medical issue, joy and excitement for me after my recent adoption, she never expressed doubt about wanting my baby – even if it did have four legs. Of course, she couldn’t have my four legged baby – he was all mine!

This past weekend, I went to my very first Greyhound Pets of America Meet and Greet. I had been emailing with my local chapter quite a bit,  doing the recommended reading, asking questions, and basically just trying to decide if I really wanted a Greyhound or not. Part of the problem was that I had never seen one, except for on TV in commercials for the dog track (Well, and on the Simpsons if you count Santa’s Little Helper.) Through my research I had learned that Greyhounds were not what I expected them to be – high energy dogs that needed space to run and cut loose, so while I learned that their couch potato lifestyle should fit with mine, I still wasn’t entirely sold.

However, on Thursday I opened the newspaper and was looking in the animal/pets section of the classified and I saw an ad that had been placed by the GPA – it had a profile shot of a handsome brindle dog smiling, it said his name was Ben and he was looking for a home. I studied that profile carefully – I liked that smile, and so I asked for the next Meet and Greet date and learned that it was Saturday Morning.

I got up on Saturday and put on my best overalls (a fashion statement I had avoided before pregnancy but now I found that it was comfortable and left most people unsure whether I was pregnant or not) and drove to the vet clinic where the Meet and Greet was being held. Before I even got out of my car I saw a rainbow assortment of tall and skinny dogs standing comfortably with people who were milling about and doing a little meeting and greeting themselves. I didn’t expect for there to be so many dogs, but there were at least a dozen and they were faun, reddish faun, black, and a color that people call brindle but it looked almost like tiger striping! The dogs all looked like lean athletes and I had a hard time believing that they would morph into laid back and companionable pets.

I was quickly approached by one of the GPA volunteers and when I gave her my name, she quickly took me to meet her TWO foster dogs! They were beautiful, a small black female and a tall brindle male. She told me they were small animal tested, both passed with flying colors. However though I was more drawn to the friendly smile of Ted, the tall male, when she told me the stories about him liberating a loaf of bread from the kitchen and “passing it out” to all the other dogs. (Gleefully shredding it so that pieces went EVERYWHERE!) I thought he might be too much dog for my apartment.

Every volunteer that I met was very exuberant when I introduced myself, they introduced their fosters, encouraged me to take their dog for a walk (they had a small yard where you could walk with the dog to interact a little bit). I walked one or two of the dogs, and I must say they were the most laid back dogs ever to walk – they never seemed to pull at the leash or exhibit any bad behavior at all. However, of all the dogs I walked, while many were beautiful I just didn’t get that tug that told me that my dog was there.

Then just as I was trying to decide what to do, a van pulled up, and a woman hurried out apologizing for being late. Marie, the president of the local GPA chapter, who I was talking to when this mysterious stranger pulled up waved at the woman and called out to her -

“Ann, this is Joy!” she said excitedly.

Ann, the woman from the van, had the back of the van open and was bringing out her foster dog, Ben. She brought him right to me and put his leash in my hand and encouraged me to take him for a walk. Ben was a tall brindle male, but his stripes were more brown and black, than the orangey brown and black of the other brindles, and his fur was exceptionally soft. He walked right next to me, in a perfect heel though I hadn’t uttered any kind of command. His eyes were beautiful, dark soulful eyes that seemed wise and a little sad.

When Ben and I came back to where Ann was now standing smiling broadly, she started to tell me his story. Ben was actually retired from racing years earlier and he had lived with a family for the past few years. However, he had killed a cockatiel that his family had brought home and kept on an open air stand (Sounds like bad people, not really a bad dog.) so they took him to the vet to be destroyed, saying he was a dangerous animal. The vet took the dog and called the GPA refusing to destroy a dog for doing what it was bred to do. Ben had been pining for him family, Ann was struggling with getting him to eat. I had been petting Ben while we were talking and he had leaned against my leg. I smiled down at him.

A young girl, probably around ten or eleven, came over and asked Ann if she could walk Ben, and I looked up to see the girl smiling at me and her mother (who had sent the girl over to ask) standing a few feet away. My heart skipped a beat, but Ann told the girl she would have to ask me. I was shocked when I heard myself say, “not right now.” (I am normally never one to tell a child no to such a reasonable request.) Ann looked at me grinning broadly.

“So do you want him?” She asked.

I knelt down in front of the dog, and I asked him “do you want to come home with me?”

Obviously he had no words to answer, but he put his head down and stepped up to me, burying his head against me. It was almost like he was saying, “I thought you would never ask.”

Within twenty minutes the paperwork was signed, I purchased a new leash and collar from the clinic where the Meet and Greet was being held, and Ben was mine. I was so happy that I even let the little girl take him for a walk, and my heart lifted a little when I saw that though Ben went with her, he looked back over his shoulder seeming to make sure I wasn’t going anywhere. Ann and I were talking, she was telling me what kind of food he was eating and what schedule he was on, etc. etc. I was so engrossed I almost didn’t notice that the girl and her Mother were standing near Marie with Ben, Marie was shaking her head.

The girl brought Ben back to me a few moments later and as she handed me the leash back she said “this was going to be my dog, but they said you got it first.”and then she walked away.

Ben was leaning against my leg, and I couldn’t help but think that he got me first.

In the interest of full disclosure, I’m going to go ahead and tell you that the date with Russ was almost over before it even began. I had a fashion crisis going through my closet, which is highly unusual for me. Nothing seemed to fit or fit right, and the maternity clothes that I knew would fit made me look pregnant (something I didn’t want Russ to figure out on his own – I wanted to tell him first). After my fashion meltdown, that did involve me in a puddle on the ground crying, I found a lovely nondescript charcoal gray dress to wear. It was loose in all the right places and yet I still felt good in it, so I was able to pull myself together. In fact by the time Russ got there I was feeling pretty good about myself.

Russ was wearing a navy blue suit, he looked so handsome that it took my breath away. His eyes were sparkling and his smile was so bright when he looked at me, that I blushed. I was touched when he offered me his arm and escorted me to the car, opening my door for me and everything! (I couldn’t help but think how pleased my parents would be at those gestures.)

“I hope you’re hungry,” Russ said as he slid behind the steering wheel.

“I could eat,” I said smiling at him, but I silently prayed that he wasn’t planning on taking me out for sushi.

Russ and I talked the whole way to the restaurant, in fact I was so engrossed in the conversation that I didn’t notice where we were going, so when I realized we were in front of one of the nicest restaurants in town (well definitely the one with the nicest view) I was surprised and excited! I had been there several times with my family but never on a date before.

Nancy’s Restaurant on the Bay had a reputation for wonderful food, excellent service, and a beautiful setting and for Valentine’s day they pulled out all the stops. As Russ and I walked in the door, I was handed a red rose, which I guess could’ve seemed cheesy but somehow it added to the magic. Ever, the gentlman, Russ seated me at the bar and after we ordered drinks (a diet coke for him and a ginger ale for me to try to make sure my stomach behaved itself) he went to check on our reservations.

I was sitting at the bar, marveling that I had never seen Nancy’s so crowded before when I heard a voice call out to me.

“Joy, I knew that was you,” a tall lanky man said as he patted me on the back.

I recognized his face as someone that worked with Rob, but I couldn’t remember his name. I smiled at him, while I looked past him for some sign that Russ was coming back. I didn’t want Russ to think I was trying to pick up some random guy on our date.

“Joy, I just wanted you to know that Rob told me about your situation and the decision that you guys made, and I want you to know that I’m really impressed,” them man said which immediately focused my attention back on him.

I felt like a glass of ice water had just been poured down my back, “I’m sorry, what did you say?” I asked.

“Rob told us about the baby and the adoption and everything, and I think it’s really admirable what you guys have decided.”

Everything seemed to start spinning, isn’t this exactly one of the things Rob and I agreed that he was not going to do? Isn’t this exactly the reason why?

“I, um” I couldn’t think of anything to say, and I felt my face flush and my eyes dangerously close to filling up with tears. Then to add to my stress I saw Russ looking at me, smiling while he made his way across the room towards me.

Rob’s friend saw where I was looking and still completely oblivious to the shock and upset that he caused he smiled at me, “well I can see that you have plans for dinner, I just wanted to tell you how great I think what you’re doing is,” and with that he disappeared into the throng of people waiting for their tables.

“Everything Russ okay?” Russ said as he took his seat next to mine.

“Absolutely,” I said, trying to sound more confident than I felt, “that was a friend on my ex-boyfriends.”

“Ah,” Russ said and he smiled reassuringly at me, and for the time being that friendly reassuring smile seemed to make everything else fade away.

Russ had the best laugh, it lit up his whole face and brightened his eyes. I found myself trying to think of the funniest stories I had just to see the way his eyes lit up when he laughed. I told him about the guys I worked with, he said I sounded like a proud Mother Hen, which made me blush.

It was a wonderful date, and Nancy’s lived up to it’s reputation. The food was amazing, we split the crab cake appetizer, I had a fish with artichokes and balsamic vinegar and Russ had steak. The server was silently attentive, always sliding in to refill glasses but never intruding on conversation. The conversation was great, we talked and laughed, the stars twinkled over the view of the bay, and everything seemed perfect and then it hit.

The check had been paid, we were sitting there talking, when I started to feel green around the gills. I guess I really hadn’t eaten anything as acidic as the Balsamic Vinegar that had been on the fish, and my stomach was not impressed.

“Oh please, no, not here,” I silently prayed.

The lull in our conversation brought Russ to his feet, “shall we go?”

“Yes,” I said, smiling tentatively, still praying inwardly that I was not going to be sick.

As we were driving back to my apartment, I was still praying and still fighting against the waves of nausea. If I could just make it inside my own apartment to be sick in the privacy of my own bathroom, everything would be okay.

“Hey, let’s get ice cream,” Russ said excitedly, turning into the Circle K where we met.

“Sure,” I said trying to smile brightly at him, I wondered if I looked as green as I felt, silently, inwardly praying not to be sick and ruin this date.

We ventured into Circle K, where he got a drumstick and I got an orange sherbet push-up pop. He was grinning like a kid as he started his drumstick while we drove on to my apartment. We talked a little but he was preoccupied with his ice cream and I was preoccupied trying to keep from being sick.

Ever the gentleman, Russ walked me to the door, he was saying all the right things to assure me that this had been a good date, indicating he would like to see me again soon. I smiled and told him how nice that would be, and then after unlocking my door, I turned and gave him a big hug and I dashed inside.

I just barely made it to the bathroom, where I was sick, sick like I hadn’t been since early on in my pregnancy. Clearly fish and Balsamic vinegar were not a good mix for me while I was pregnant. I had just brushed my teeth, splashed some cold water on my face, and come back into the living room. I was trying to decide how badly I had mucked up the end of the date, and while I was standing there I heard a surprising noise outside my door.

“Um, Joy,” a voice said, followed by a soft knock.

I opened the door and there was Russ, covered in ice cream that had leaked out from the bottom of his drumstick. There were so many thoughts running through my head that I couldn’t get a handle on them, I opened the door invited him in and then I burst into tears.

“Joy, what’s wrong?” Russ said, looking alarmed.

I went into the kitchen and grabbed him some paper towels and tried to get ahold of myself. Russ followed right behind me, still looking alarmed but looking like he felt helpless covered in ice cream.

“Russ, there’s something I have to tell you,” I said and the words came out in a rush, “I’m pregnant, and maybe I should’ve told you alraedy, but I liked you so much and I didn’t want to ruin everything but now you took me out on this wonderful date, and I ruined it by getting sick and leaving you on the front porch covered in ice cream. I’m so sorry.”

The words all ran together and at the end, the tears were sliding down my face, and Russ walked over to my sink where he dropped the drumstick, he wiped his hands clean, and then he gave me a hug. We stood there for a long moment, me crying and him holding me in his tight grasp. I couldn’t believe how could it felt just to be hugged. I hadn’t realized how long it had been since I had been hugged.

“Not a great time to start dating?” he asked.

“Probably not,” I agreed.

“But maybe a good time for new friends?”

“That would be nice,” I agreed, and with that our date, and any thoughts of dating while I was pregnant were over.

While Russ didn’t run screaming from my apartment, a few minutes later, I was curled up in bed thinking that for now dating was just not for me. However, I was at peace with my decision. I filed it under “lessons learned” and at least I had a new friend and Russ had not run screaming from the apartment. That was something.

I know that I’ve gone back and forth on this, but my situation with Russ is no longer just a hypothetical situation – he asked me out (for Valentine’s Day no less) and I said yes. It didn’t happen completely out of the blue, he called me a few times and we talked on the phone like high schoolers! We talked about everything, our families, our hopes and dreams for the future, everything but the one thing I’m wondering if I should’ve brought up – the baby. I love talking to him and the more I talk to him the more I like him.

I’ve been full of doubt and concerns about this situation. Sometimes it seems unfair that while I am pregnant and my life is all about the baby, Rob has moved on with his love life, shouldn’t I get the same opportunity? Should the baby really keep me from going out on a date with this man that is funny, kind and caring – he’s educated, gainfully employed, and seems to have so many of the traits that I’m looking for in a life partner.

Ever my own worst enemy, I can’t help but look down the road and play “what if” which makes everything seem to take on new importance. What if we really hit it off, when do I tell him about the baby? What if we fall in love and he wants to keep BOTH of us, would I let that affect my adoption plan? What if I tell him about the baby and he runs screaming in the other direction – am I really ready to deal with that? I keep telling myself that all of this playing “what if” is really borrowing trouble from tomorrow, especially since those were all things that might never come to pass, but then in the back of my mind “what if” would whisper again. I know I’m being silly, I know that a new and handsome man is not really going to change anything in my life, let alone my adoption plan, but still my brain shifts through all the options. It’s my greatest strength and weakness all at the same time.

Beth and John have purchased plane tickets to come visit in a month! Her email bringing this news to me also brought about a minor panic attack on my part, what if they reject me? What if they meet me (and presumably Rob) and decide that they wouldn’t want any child that came from the two of us. My panic attack lead me to sit down and with tear filled eyes write a big email to Beth laying out any and all potential problems that this baby could’ve inherited from Rob and me. I started with the normal things like our cat allergies, but I delved into the more serious problems. My struggles with school which lead to being diagnosed with Dyslexia and Rob “allegedly” having ADD, the alcoholism that Rob’s family brings to the table. I shook every genetic skeleton I could think of out of the closet and laid them out on the table for Beth’s inspection.

The email I got back brought even more tears. Beth treated each of my confessions seriously, she did not just send me back a dismissive letter assuring me that they just wanted a baby and would love it. She told me that John doesn’t drink because alcoholism is prominent in his family and that they would make sure that the baby grew up as John did, knowing the dangers of alcohol. She treated each concern seriously and laid out a plan of attack for how she thought she would handle that situation if it happened, and after each fear had been addressed then she assured me that they already loved the baby and that nothing so trite as dyslexia or ADD would make them not love the baby.

Her email brought tears to my eyes but it also brought me peace of mind. My fears had been addressed and assuaged. Beth and John would love the baby, if it wasn’t pink and perfect forever – it was theirs and for them, that was more than enough.

You know that feeling, when you’re working on a puzzle and the pieces all start falling into place? That’s how life feels for me lately. Everything is happily clicking along. I had another doctor’s appointment and everything is right on track for where it should be. Work just feels better now that I know where Cathy is coming from and I know that ultimately I have her support in any decision I make. I’ve still been in contact with the greyhound adoption group here, I’m still gathering information. New relationships are getting stronger than they ever were before.

Beth and I have been emailing each almost daily and the more we talk the more I feel confident in the bond developing between us. I have to admit that the scary thing about this “semi-open” adoption is that once the baby is in their arms and the paperwork is signed, there is nothing to stop the adoptive parents from never contacting me again. I had a small nagging fear that once they have the baby, they’ll forget about me and before long the pictures would stop, but the more I communicate with Beth – the less likely that seems. I feel like she understands that I love the baby and she doesn’t seem to be intimidated by that love at all.

Another new relationship that seems to be getting more confusing instead of less, is my relationship with Russ. He asked for my phone number yesterday and I think he’s going to ask me out. I really like this guy, he seems funny and kind. I admit that I feel a little extra affection for me that he could meet me at a time in my life when I am putting on weight and sometimes when I see him I’ve been green around the gills and it doesn’t seem to phase him at all. However, I go back and forth on the issue – should I even be dating in my current state? I’m just not sure. I am sure that when he asked for my phone number so that he could “call me sometime” that it made me feel likely a giggly school girl.

The only negative thing I have to report is that after the Internet fiasco, I went to have sushi with some of the guys from work. I thought that as long as I stayed away from the raw stuff I would be okay. (“Morning” sickness seemed so far away lately!) I had a harmless little California roll and ended up in the bathroom, unable to keep it down. The guys looked stricken and promised no more sushi until after the baby, but it was my fault as much as it was theirs. Frankly if the worst thing that’s happened in the last week is that I discovered that I can’t eat any sushi (and frankly won’t even set foot in a sushi joint!) until after the baby – that’s hardly worth mentioning.