It’s funny how quickly it happens but I seemed to have gone from the girl that no one could believe is pregnant to “dear lord, when are you due?!?!?” I’m not sure if it was really a change in my body as much it was a change in my wardrobe but as the weather warms up the maternity clothes have come out. I had another doctor’s appointment, listened to the heart beat, and Dr.A confirmed that my weight gain was right on track for a healthy baby.

Mary and I had been talking occasionally, usually she was just calling to touch base, make sure things were going okay, etc. but during her last call she had scheduled a counselor to come by my house. I was unclear whether this was a requirement of the State or of the attorney that I had to work with but it sounded like a good idea so this afternoon I found myself straightening my apartment as Ben and I prepared for Linda’s arrival.

Ben was a gracious host, he always stayed on his pillow, head held regally and eyes bright inviting people to come pet him. I was amused that he was not the kind of dog to bound over to strangers, he knew that they would come to him. I thought the way people reacted to my sweet, soft and still healing dog was very telling and Linda passed the test right away.

Linda had short dark curly hair and had a very Earthy quality to her, I’m not sure if it was something in the cut and style of her clothes or her jewelry but she just seemed like a very Earthy grounded person and as soon as she came into the apartment she asked who Ben was and she knelt down to introduce herself, scratching gently under his chin. I liked her right away, I wasn’t the only one as Susan seated herself on the sofa and Ben got up from his cushion to follow her. (Susan had a dachshund and I could tell by they way she talked about him that she loved her dog.)

I had been nervous about the counseling visit, I’m not really sure what I expected but I had never been to a counselor before. However, Linda took out a form and held it in her lap and then we talked, like she was a new friend who just wanted to get to know me better. She scratched Ben under his chin and behind his ears, while he looked up at her adoringly, and I told her about my family, about being adopted. Every now and then she wrote something down on her paper, but really it didn’t feel like anything too formal. I actually liked it!

The only area that I felt like I came up short was when she asked about Rob. I could talk about Rob in a detached sort of way but she asked questions about our relationship and what brought me here, living with Ben, instead of with the man I had once thought I would be spending the rest of my life with. I hated how angry I knew I sounded when I talked about how all our plans were washed away when he cheated and about the arguments that we were still having. (Rob had taken to calling more frequently at odd hours to see if I was dating, he woke me up from a dead sleep twice before deciding that he should at least place his calls before nine at night.)

“What is it about your situation with Rob that really makes you so uneasy?” She asked.

“One day, I hope to meet this child and I wonder what I will tell him or her,” I said, “I don’t want the baby to think it wasn’t always loved, because it was.”

As soon as I said it, I was struck by the truth of it. It was hard to focus on the fact that the baby was made in love when Rob and I were squabbling constantly, when there was no trust between us. Most days it hardly seemed like we were friends, how would that make the baby feel someday when I have to explain this part of his (or her) past?

“You’ll make peace with all of this, but it takes time and this is an emotional time for you. Try not to focus so much on the future, just focus on today.” Linda advised me.

It was good advice, advice I knew I should try to follow but I have to admit that some days it was easier than others.

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