This site is mostly about me, my pregnancy, my adoption journey, but from time to time when something newsworthy about adoption pops up on my radar I can’t help but bring it here to share with you. Because while this site is mostly about my personal experience, adoption is something that is not just unique to me.
I know I have admitted that I watch MTV’s 16 and Pregnant. I like that little window into other people’s lives, and I am sometimes fascinated and sometimes utterly horrified by what I see there. (Anyone else remember Dad Butch telling Son Tyler that he would rather live in a car and beg to feed his baby but have the baby with him, than to give it away? – I was dumb founded.) Well last season the story of Catelynn and Tyler brought me tears and joy – this seaon’s Lori and Cory brought me more tears than anything else.
I won’t waste too much time going over the plot, I’m just going to hit the high (or low notes depending on how you look at it) Lori was an adoptee who was pregnant by her ex-boyfriend Cory, her parents were leaning (at times pushing and shoving) towards adoption, Cory wanted to keep the baby, and poor Lori really seemed to want to keep the baby but wanted to please her parents at the same time. Lori and Cory chose adoptive parents who sounded like they were going to allow rather liberal visitation, and those adoptive parents abruptly changed their minds.
I celebrated and cheered on Catelynn and Tyler. They were full of fire and passion for their daughter, they wanted her to have better than they had and they fought for her, in the face of discouraging parents, they fought. I loved that their adoptive parents Brandon and Theresa didn’t think they wanted an open adoption and then they met those exceptional young people and they agreed to change their definition of adoption. Carly is a lucky and very loved little girl.
I mention Catelynn and Tyler because I did not get to celebrate and cheer Lori and Cory. Frankly, something that bothered me the whole episode is that Cory is older than Lori, a good deal older apparently as he is talking about going to the bars – why is he still so immature that he is stringing this girl along? (Promising Lori that she and the baby can come live with him and his roommate and then avoiding her calls for days at a time, that’s horrible.) Cory argues stubbornly that he wants them to keep the baby but he does absolutely nothing to make keeping the baby a viable option. When he says that he would like an adoption situation that would allow him visitation two weeks of the month I wanted to reach through the screen and yell “grow up already!”. In the pantheon of “fathers” that 16 and Pregnant has produced for us Cory is not the worst out there, but really that’s a pretty low bar.
The reason that this story was so heartbreakingly sad for me is that Lori seemed far too immature to be a mother and yet she obviously felt that she was backed into a corner and had no other option than to place her baby for adoption. Every time she takes a tentative step towards asserting that she wants the baby her parents verbally beat her down and tell her how she can’t keep her baby. It just seems like there had to be a better way to handle the situation. I’m sure there’s plenty of heartfelt talks that we didn’t see but what we did see is that anytime Lori mentioned something other than adoption her Mother made a pained expression and Lori just looked so sad.
The hospital scenes were devastating, an angry Cory coming to grips with the fact that he was saying good bye to his son and a heartbroken Lori clearly being torn in too many directions. However, the saving grace for me was the adoptive parents, who were patient and loving – I had no idea what an adoption ceremony was but I was touched that they were so considerate of Lori’s feelings and her family. I can honestly say that I didn’t need a formal ceremony like that but I really think it was beautifully done. God bless Aidan’s new parents and I hope they didn’t watch this episode.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve watched 16 and Pregnant and wondered why adoption wasn’t really considered as an option, this time I watched and wondered why is adoption the only option being talked about? It really made me sad.
So surely you see adoption portrayed out there in books and on TV, what do you think? Do you think shows like MTV’s 16 and Pregnant are helping or hurting the cause?
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I wish Lori had been offered emotional and financial support to be the mother her child deserved rather than pushed to place. Adoption destroys mothers. As an adoptee and a biomom myself, that is not ok with me.
Every time a child is placed because a mother isn’t “emotionally and financial ready” we as a society failed her and her child.
This is heartbreaking and all too common. I went through it myself. I disagree that adoption is better for children. In a very open adoption with my 8 year old daughter, who adoptive parents are divorced, and has lived in apartments, I do not feel that her life has been “ruined” by single parenthood or having to receive foodstamps.
Nor do I feel that her life would have been inadequate if she had been raised with me, on foodstamps in an apartment. (The same thing she had anyways.)
Adoption is a class issue. Move the children of poor emotionally stressed parents to rich ones. Rather than creating successful programs to help mothers attain healthy parenting skills, self esteem, and growing in love and strength, we just abandon mothers and sell their children to rich people.
Not cool.
Not cool at all. I wish Catelynn had been offered real support as well. She would have made a damn good mom.
Hiya,
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Rox, I apologize for my delay in responding to your comment, frankly I just didn’t know what to say after I read it because you and I have obviously had very different adoption experiences.
I’m afraid my experience with adoption didn’t make me feel destroyed and I never felt pushed by anyone to go through with my adoption plan. (I do agree 100% that Lori was pushed into adoption and that makes me fearful as to what she would have to say about her adoption experience later in life.) I also don’t feel that my experience was a class issue at all, when my son was born I was a year away from my college degree and aside from the financial instability of having just split with my partner (so I was in a rebuilding stage in my life), I was not “poor” by the government’s standards either. I have never received any government assistance, though I agree with you that getting assistance is not what makes someone a good or bad parent. Honestly I am probably now in the same economic bracket that my son’s adoptive parents are in, but just as I believe NOT having a ton of money doesn’t affect your ability to be a good parent, I believe the reverse is true too.
In short, I guess what I am saying is that I have lingered and contemplated over your post. I appreciate that you expressed your views and your experiences here intelligently and articulately so I want to leave them up for other people to read and consider. I didn’t want to not acknowledge them, I didn’t want to see unappreciative of the gesture you made by posting and sharing – even if we don’t see eye to eye.
Thanks for stopping by, I hope you keep reading.
Michelle, I am speechless and I am touched. Thank you so much.
Hi Joy,
I followed a link from a link and stumbled across your site (courtesy of Warsaw mommy & Everdaystranger). Having read through some of your posts I can say that I am truly amazed by what you’re doing. It takes such strength and courage and for you to share that with the world is awe inspiring, in the true sense of the phrase.
I will continue to read your story, lurking mainly, but know that you are receiving love and good wishes from a stranger across the pond.
-L x
Thanks for stopping by and especially thanks for the love and warm wishes.
Joy-
I, too, confess to watching 16 and Pregnant, it is the only show I actually try to watch. After first being shocked by Butch’s comments, and then falling in love with Catelynn and Tyler and their choice for adoption- I’m excited to see MTV portraying the realities of pregnant 16 year olds as who they are, kids having to make tough adult decisions.
I was saddened by Lori and Cory’s story, too. As an adoptive parent, I was shocked by Lori’s mother’s attitude. I think she was really tough on Lori and I would never want a birthmother to feel backed into a corner like Cory felt, with no options. However, I believe, Lori’s mom had to take a “tough love” approach with her that she must have known would bring Lori back to the reality of the situation. When Lori’s mom suggested she move in with Cory before the birth to see what life would really be like-that was a tough “mom call”, but it worked! That showed Cory’s true colors. I disagree to the harsh tactics Lori’s mother used, but I think Lori’s parents have been the only parents on 16 and pregnant that truly understood the ramifications this pregnancy would have on their daughter’s life and they truly wanted the best for her. I think the best part of the story was seeing Lori sledding with her friends and excited about finishing her Senior year, unlike the other teenmoms that have now dropped out of school.
Joy, our experiences may not be as different as you think. My adoptive parents were high income. Do you know your biological mother Joy? Thank you for welcoming me to your blog.
I hope you will read a little of my blog as well, although we have differing perspectives. I support all people who have suffered the loss of being separated from their mothers and their children, however they process that loss.
Hello Amanda – I’m glad you’re following alone with the 16 and Pregnant mania with me. I wonder if they will have a Dr.Drew Moderated reunion show at the end of this season? I would love to see where Lori is now and what Dr.Drew has to say about her experience. (I really liked the way he handled Catelynn and Tyler – he really seemed to have alot of respect for them.) I think Lori may have needed the tough love that she was getting but I still wish she had been able to arrive there some other way – feeling like she didn’t have any other choice made me sad. Lori’s parents were able to get Cory to really have to look at what raising a baby was going to mean, maybe that was part of the problem is that they weren’t able to get Lori to see the bigger picture? I don’t know, maybe I’m reaching. Of course, there’s hours and hours of footage that never made the show, so who knows what conversations we missed.
Hello Rox, I do know my biological mother – I think it’s a great story, one I plan to share here once this story is done. I kept telling myself I would write it if there was enough interest but after starting this process I don’t know how to not write it now. I will certainly stop by your blog – thanks for sharing.
Thank you in advance for planning to read my blog! Just to let you know, I share in details the problems I have with the adoption industry. You know how there are those reasons that you feel that adoption was the only way for your child to have a good life? (Most of us as biological parents have some of those, hence why we placed!) My biggest beef is that I think responsible counseling would look DIRECTLY at those fears and legitimate concerns about the well-being of our children if we chose to keep them… and then address them with creative solutions that pregnant women may not have thought of yet.
Examples:
I’m concerned that I’ll be emotionally overwhelmed.
Client centered, solution focused response- “How could we help you find emotional support? Here are some local programs that provide emotional support at little or no cost. Here are some programs that provide a network of parents that support each other in growing as loving dedicated parents. Further, what are some of the issues that are overwhelming you right now? Can we talk through some of those and work to find support and solutions?”
I’m concerned that my child will spend most of their time in day care instead of bonding with me at home.
Client centered, solution focused response- “Let’s brainstorm some ways that you might be able to work part time, or bring your child to work with you. Have you considered being a nanny and bringing your child to work with you? Here are some organizations that provide paid nanny training and certification that you could complete before the birth of your child. Have you considered getting a scholarship money and student loans to pay for the cost of your housing and child care while you go to college, so that you can devote five to six hours a day to school and spend the rest of your time bonding with your child? What are some ways that we could help you save money and get ahead on rent so that you could take three to four months off after the birth of your child?”
I’m concerned that my child will not have a male role model.
Client centered, solution focused response- “Do you have any male family members that you are close to that would volunteer a few hours a week to being a male role model in your child’s life? To take your child camping, play sorts, do “guy stuff” with your child and over-all model what it means to have a loving male family member in your child’s life? Have you considered joining some single parent groups where single fathers are present and go to play groups where your child can see how fathers interact with their children? What are some other ways we could brainstorm incorporating loving male role models in your child’s life?”
I’m concerned that we just won’t be able to do this financially.
Client centered, solution focused response- “Let’s look at programs in this city and from the government that offer financial support. Do you need help filling out some of the paper work? Let’s look at some possible careers and financial options that you may not be aware of at this time. Let’s see how we can help you achieve a higher level of income for the stability of your family.”
Havind experienced fully what adoption agencies have to offer as far as counseling goes, they are often deeply lacking in empowered parenting support to ADEQUATELY address the concerns young parents have for the well-being of their children. Often they say, “Here’s what you can offer. Is it really as good as what the adoptive parent can offer? Put your child’s need first and be selfless. It’s your decision, just decide what’s best for your child.”
That in NO way helps a parent improve their confidence and belief in themselves and their ability to provide a loving safe home for their children. It is at best, a coercive method of “lovingly guiding” women to choose adoption.
If a womans FIRST CHOICE is to be able to provide her child with a beautiful life, then client centered, solution focused counseling would help a woman overcome her own obstacles to doing that.
Only AFTER extensive measures have been taken to help a woman work through her concerns about parenting, realistic support, tools, and techniques have been offered to help her be able to provide a loving dedicated consistent home life for her child have been offered, and every measure to help her provide her child with the life she wants her child to have, can adoption be a choice that a woman comes to “willingly”.
Most of us wanted to parent our children if circumstances had been different. And I would like to see counseling that aims to mitigate the overwhelming nature of “difficult circumstances” that we felt threatened the well-being of our children had we parented them.
If every time a woman expresses concern over her parenting abilities to a counselor, the counselor responds with, “I am so glad you’re thinking so much of your child’s well being. Adoption can be a wonderful way to address those concerns and give your child the life you believe your child deserves” that is actually coercive counseling. It fails to come up with solutions to those concerns and aims to verify for a woman that her fears about her abilities are correct and she is indeed “not good enough”. If no measures are taken to specifically address the concerns she has brought up and find solutions, then that counselor has failed her in making an empowered choice that is in fact her first choice. To parent AND provide her child with a beautiful life.
If a woman feels like adoption is the ONLY way for her child to have a quality home life, then her “choice” is in fact, very little of a choice at all. Most of us as mothers want the best thing for our children. Slogans like, “adoption is the most loving choice,” are very persuasive and suggestive of the fact that adoption is the ONLY way to love your child and give them the best.
As long as we are pummeling young women with messages like this, I can’t fully adoption as an “uncoerced” choice, or any adoption counseling as “non-biased”. It is indeed, very biased by nature.
You and I grew up with the message that adoption is beautiful and that it was the only way for us to have a beautiful enriched life. That message lives deep within us and when we gave birth outside of marriage, that message was so deep we believed that we were not good enough, and that the only way to give our children what they deserved was to place.
I now believe there our other ways. Ways that are more humane to mothers and ways that encourage women and their children to be able to stay together AND have a successful outcome. And that, to me, is the goal.
I absolutely am filled with nothing but compassion for women who felt adoption was the only way they could provide their child with the life they deserved. And there are cases where it really truly was the case. However I would like to see the number of situation where adoption is “needed” be reduced. Anyways, I hope that it comes through that I really truly support you despite the fact that you like the adoption system as it is and I would like to see it improved and drastically changed.
I am so sorry that you had to go through this also, and am very happy for you, your child and your biological mother that the two adoptions were your first choice in outcome and that you feel very happy with it. In my vision, adoption would still be an option for women who would choose adoption even if they had all the support in the world and even if the concerns they had about parenting were met with real solutions that could help them give their child the kind of life they dream of.
Sorry for rambling!
And much much love.
Hey Rox! I’m enjoying the back and forth we’ve got going here. I appreciate and respect you’re opinion and your experience. I think there is always room for improvement in the system. My main beef really comes from the other end – I think that too many people don’t know enough about adoption to consider it a “viable” option. (Yes, I realize that this dove tails into today’s post but that wasn’t planned, it just happened, I promise! LOL!) A number of wonderful women I know terminated pregnancies and later wished they had known more about adoption because then they might have considered it. I think that you and I share common ground – we would like the system to be improved so that people make decisions that they can live with. (I realize this is a bit of oversimplification.)
The frustration I sometimes encounter with the adoption community is that this is such a personal sensitive issue that many people find it hard to separate emotions and really listen to what other people have to say. My adoption experiences have been positive and there are adoption communities that make me feel like it’s not okay for me to say that. I’ve been told that I must be repressing my emotions, but they are my emotions and I don’t see how someone else can be more in touch with them than me. Likewise, I have seen first had some negative adoption experiences and I have read about some bad experiences – it breaks my heart and I grieve for those people, for wounds that never seem to heal.
I’m don’t believe that adoption is the answer for everyone but I believe that I have your respect and your support and in this little corner of the world – that’s really all I could ask for.
Amanda – thank you, your comments encouraged me to watch Lori and Cory’s story again. It’s still hard for me to feel as good about their story as I felt about Catelynn and Tyler but I did catch somethings I missed the first time. For example, Lori’s Mom said several times after Cory basically backed out that this wasn’t the way she wanted Lori to come to an adoption plan. (It made me like her more.) I also noticed in the exit interview that Lori was talking about being excited for Senior Year and that she felt the adoption plan really was what was best for Aidan.
I still didn’t like the doctor though – I guess her “advising” on how much time Lori should spend with the baby after it arrived rubbed me the wrong way. I think it’s a personal decision. I know there are birthmothers who don’t want to see or touch the baby once it has been delivered, but I think that’s a decision best made by the birthmother and preferably with the adoptive parents if they have that kind of relationship. I know it’s a very awkward time for everyone involved but I think it’s also a critical time for the birthmother to make peace with her decision.
Thanks for reading Amanda!
Wow. After reading your post, I read through all the comments. There is a lot to take in here. I would like to go back to your question about how adoption is portrayed in our culture, and whether or not it is helpful. I have not, as yet, seen 16 and Pregnant. I am sure, after reading through your blog, that it would be worth my time to watch and ponder over. I generally feel that adoption had a negative connotation when I was a kid. Not knowing who your parents were, etc. As I have aged and seen more of the world, I feel I have come to a greater understanding of adoption. That it is not a bad choice, but a personal choice, based on circumstances and needs of the person (s) directly involved. I am glad to see these discussions and I may have to wander over to rox’s site for another bit of insight. I think that living in the times that we do, with TV, movies, internet, and all, we have the opportunity to learn from other people’s experience.
I watched the episode or Lori and Cori but I also experienced it because
Lori went to my school and Cory lives on my street. Lori’s mom pushed
both of them into giving adian up for adoption. Neither of them
wanted it. They both wanted to keep him because Lori was adopted!
I stumbled across your post on accident, but I am happy that I did!
I personally am aware of everything that went on between Cory and Lori, I am one of Cory’s best friends.
Lori’s mother pushed both of them into the adoption and didn’t give them a choice. She refused to be any part of any conversation with them unless it involved adoption. She was constantly calling Cory and texting him, trying to get him to go along with the adoption. She was rude and mean to him. That is why he ‘showed his true colors’; because he was tired of having to deal with all the ugliness that Lori’s mom was dishing out.
Lori really did want to keep Aidan. And she sees him on a regular basis. She agrees now that the adoption was best for her and Aidan, but she does not agree with how she was forced into the decision.
A lot of what was filmed was cut out for the sake of time, I just wish MTV had shown more of what actually happened, because then people would not judge Cory so harshly. He was there for Lori and Aidan every step of the way. He is the one that paid for every doctor visit and all the hospital bills because her parents refused to.
I hope this will help clear up some confusion that people have about Cory and Lori and their situation, because not everything was shown on the episode.
Thanks Patti, it’s sad that we didn’t get more of a sense of who Cory is from the episode – he very much looked like a man conflicted but he also very much came off as someone that was more interested in partying it up, rather than taking care of his responsibilities.
Lori’s parents were evil to her. They looked in a position to lovingly support her and HER baby. Instead they subjected her to horrid abuse forcing her into making the adoption happen.
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That episode pissed me so much..I wanted to rewind, and forget I ever watched it.
Lori’s parents were freakin’ idiots, Nosy , idiotic and controlling pieces of crap.
They were bias to adoption, obviously; because they adopted Lori. So I knew they would BULLY Lori into adoption. Her mother was 10 X more pushy than her dad..and I wanted to smack the bitch in the face.
I’m not saying adoptive mom’s never feel a bond/connection with their adoptive babies, I know they can and do/will, BUT no one can even put into words what a bio mom feels when they hold their baby for the first time <3 It's amazing, and so deep you just can't describe it. Lori's shitty "parents" never had a bio child, her mother never got to experience that attachment and she had no right coercing poor Lori and Cory into adoption when she herself, had no clue what the hell she was talking about.
Lori is an idiot, plain and simple too. I really tried pitying her but I couldn't. The way the MORON allowed her parents make HER choice for her made me angry. That poor baby. She could have chosen to parent but she allowed her mother make her choice for her, and it made me sick..literally.
Cory was the only person in that episode/story I liked. HE knew his shit. He knew what was happening. And he tried to stick up for himself and his son, but lost..because dad's really have no rights when it comes to adoption. Not really.
That episode has been the most tacky, and shittest episode ever. And IMO it's the perfect example of "What NOT to do when choosing adoption.