This week I want to do something different, a question was left for me on my FormSpring page and I dashed off a quick answer there but with further reflection I wanted to flush it out and share it here, in case it’s a question other people have, so here goes:
I’m curious if you and Beth discussed openness in the adoption plan. If so, how did you come to an agreement that you were both felt comfortable with?
When I decided I wanted to place my son for adoption, I did some research about adoption. I knew that there were options available to me that weren’t available to my birthmother when I was born. (Adoption has changed a good deal since the 70′s and there is room for the birth parents in their child’s life.) I knew I didn’t want a closed adoption – I didn’t just want to have my son and never know what happened to him, so a closed adoption was out. I also knew that I didn’t think I was strong enough to say good bye to my son over and over again, so a fully open adoption with visitation wasn’t really in the cards for me either. I wanted a semi-open adoption, I wanted pictures and updates and in time, I want my son to decide if he wants to have a relationship with me.
What’s interesting is that when Beth and John put in their profile, they told the attorney’s office that they did not want an open adoption. They were told that it would really decrease the odds of them being selected by a birthmother as most birthmothers now want an open adoption agreement. However, they knew what they wanted and so they put in their profile and hoped for the best. I suppose this is where Mary really gets credit – she knew what I wanted and knew what Beth and John wanted, and sent their profile with the rest for me to review.
Beth did tell me the story about how people discouraged them from seeking a “semi-open” adoption and I really admired that she really wanted a baby, but not so badly that she was willing to compromise on what she wanted or needed in a birthmother relationship. I really believe that people who try to compromise their needs are often the ones that end up dissatisfied with their adoption arrangements. Beth and I did discuss that for the first few years of my Son’s life - I would get updates every three or four months. (Those early months are the ones in which he went through changes so fast!) After that I would get updates twice a year, at Christmas and at his birthday. I knew exactly what I was getting going into our adoption agreement and I have never been disappointed.
If you have questions you can always email me at DecidingForLife (at) gmail.com or ask them at http://www.formspring.me/decidingforlife – Formspring allows you to ask them anonymously.
Posted in Adoptive Parents, Birthparents, Reflections, Tuesday Topics | 
Tags: adoption plan, Openness in Adoption, Reader Questions
okay, I still can’t figure out the formspring thing. i can’t get it to come up when I click on the link. I don’t know if it’s just me, so I will keep trying, but thought I’d tell you in case other people are having trouble with it too.
I didn’t realize until looking at your blog how “customizable” adoptions seem to be now. I always thought it was open or closed. End of discussion. I also like your comment about not compromising. While I think it is important to work together (birth parents and adoptive parents) for the good of the child, I believe that if you know there is something you NEED, you stand for it. As well as preventing disappointment, I think this fosters follow through. It is much easier to follow up on a commitment that you are comfortable with than one you are not.