I felt a little bit like I was having an out of body experience in those first few moments after Beth and John arrived. They were holding Michael, looking at him, falling in love with him and my Mom and Ruth were telling the story of his arrival, the parts that they had missed. I am sure that I participated in the conversation but to be honest, at that point between the labor and all the emotions of the day, I was exhausted. I remember taking a little bit of teasing for going to work while I was in labor, but mostly I just remember feeling that there was very much a glow of warmth and love in the room. However it wasn’t long before nurses arrived, it was time for Michael to go to the nursery for some tests and for me to be moved out of a labor and delivery room and into another room. (It was at that point that they realized I was still pretty numb from the waist down.)
Beth and John left to go check in their hotel, my Mom had to leave to go check on my cousins, and Ruth disappeared as well so suddenly I was tucked into a room where I promptly fell asleep. I woke up from my nap to Ruth coming in my room with a big box! Inside was a beautiful and very modest night gown. (I guess my big comfy night shirt was probably not the best item for receiving visitors.) They brought Michael into my room around that time, and I held him and gave him a bottle while Ruth and I talked. She has known me since I was ten days old, and been there for all of my important milestones, but she said she had never been as proud of me or as afraid for me, as she was now. She was happy to meet Beth and John, and she knew I was doing the right thing, but she worried about the toll losing my son would take on me.I put on a brave face and tried my best to reassure her, but holding Michael in my arms I was aware that the deadline for saying goodbye to him was creeping closer. I knew that what was coming was not going to be easy, but I wasn’t sure when it would hit me.
That night and the next day passed in a blur. A delicate dance began as Beth and John tried very hard not to make me feel pushed off to the side, and to give me time with Michael, but they also wanted to be close to their new son. I was touched at the number of people who came up to the hospital to see me. I woke up early in the morning to Uncle Jerry sitting in the rocking chair beside my bed. He showed me a picture of his son, that he had relinquished his rights too, and advised me that until Rob and I made some sort of peace I would have a hard time moving forward. Cathy and Kay came up to see me and told me how beautiful (and how BIG) Michael was. Girlfriends buzzed in and out. Even Doctor A’s nurse Janet came up to see me.
The hardest visit was when my Dad came to the hospital. He had really struggled with my pregnancy, knowing what was coming. I think he had tried to hold Michael at a distance to keep from getting too attached. He was only there for a short time, long enough to hold Michael in his arms, and then he had to leave. He mumbled something about my cousins who was being discharged that day. When he left, I cried. For all the tears he had that he had been unable to shed, I cried for him, for the grandson he had said hello and goodbye to that day.
That night I was told that I couldn’t take my pain medicine as I needed to be in a completely clear mental state for the paperwork I had to sign the next day. (At that time the baby had to be so many hours old before you could technically terminate your parental rights, I’m sure like all laws that varies from state to state as well.) I didn’t think that stopping to take my pain meds was going to be a big deal, after all I was taking Tylenol! However, I woke up in the middle of the night and realized that I had definitely had an 8.8 pound baby and that was going to be something that would not heal right away! (It’s a dull achy kind of pain but it was enough that I wished I had my prescription strength Tylenol.) However, I knew that the moment I dreaded the most was on the horizon, and even Tylenol couldn’t dull that pain for me, so there was nothing to do but rest and wait for the Attorney to arrive so the papers could be signed.
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This is the moment everyone dreads! We will face this exact same situation in October and I am not looking forward to the pain we (adoptive parents and birthparents) will all feel in the delivery room. As adoptive parents, we recognize the pain but will never understand it fully. Many of us have said good-bye to children that never developed fully in the womb, children that should of had a chance-so we understand loss in some way, but I won’t pretend or assume it to be the same feeling in any way. We, as adoptive parents, wish we could make it easier but nothing is easy about saying good-bye. I somehow think in my mind, that by my trying to be the best possible parent and giving all the love in our hearts to our children, in some way may help the good-bye grow easier over time for the birthparents. I know that probably doesn’t help at all, but I cannot help but want to try.
I think that the birth and the subsequent days in the hospital are the hardest for everyone, which is why I’ve been going sooo slow going over those days. I want to really convey all the feelings, all the highs, and the lows – it’s hard though because there was alot going on! You’re right Amanda, nothing makes it easier to say good bye but a kindness and compassion go a long way – I got that from Beth and John and I know that your birthmother will get that from! It helps, maybe we (Birthmothers) don’t realize it at the time but in looking back I am always thankful for Beth and John’s love and support.
This is the part of your writing your story I have been most looking forward to. Our birthmother said so little to us about how she was feeling during these days that I have just wondered after it so many times. The depth of emotion is such that you just can’t explain it. I know how emotional it was for myself and my husband and I can only imagine for her it was 100x more overwhelming. In California the baby stays in the hospital the same length of time the mother does unless the mother has a serious complication and ends up there for weeks. In our case she had a c-section and it was 3 days. It was the longest 3 days I’ve ever experienced in my life. I’m not going to say I wish she’d shared more of her feelings with me because I honestly don’t know if I could have handled that, but I definitely do wonder at those feelings now.
I have a hard time imagining myself in this situation: how to spend time with my child, but also how to step back and let that child’s relationship with his parents develop. Tough.