Well, next week is the week that I’m going to flip the tables and tell you about my search and eventual reunion with my Birthmother. She’s been reading so it will be interesting to see what she thinks about my perspective on the whole thing. It’s a story that will not take months to tell, and honestly I haven’t decided what to do after that. (Any wisdom, advice, or pointers from you dear readers is greatly appreciated.) However, before I “go there” I wanted to tie up all the loose ends that might be left for you from my experiences as being a birthmother, so here goes:

My son Michael, turned 10 this year. He is the oldest of three children that Beth and John have adopted. I was a little jealous when I got my picture updates from Beth and she told me the news that told me that number 2 was coming, I was *their* birthmother, they were *my* adoptive parents – those feelings lasted for about 15 minutes but I am still amused and ashamed that I had them. My son is a beautiful little boy, the pictures and updates that I receive paint a picture of a thoughtful, caring child who inherited my asthma (I cried when I read that in one of Beth’s letters) but is happy, otherwise healthy, and loved. He is all boy, playing with bugs, going fishing, boy scouting with John and he is a tenderhearted love – releasing the fish he catches and loving nothing more than his morning cup of tea with his Mom.

Beth has completely fulfilled her end of our agreement. For the first few years of Micheal’s life I got pictures every few months, but as he got older and changed less the picture packets now come two or three times a year. Usually around his birthday and at Christmas for sure, but sometimes Beth will surprise me and slip one in during the Spring. She sent word once through the attorney that she was worried the pictures and updates made it harder for me, but through the attorney I assured her that I loved them, and to please keep them coming, the envelopes got fatter after that!

Despite the fact I know Beth and John’s last name and where they live, I have kept my side of the agreement – I have never contacted them directly. In this very public, very digital age that we live in I suppose I could seek them out on Facebook or look for them where they live – I choose not to because that was my end of the agreement. Actually I feel very protective of Beth and John, which is why I have not provided any pictures or too much detail about them here, in my heart – they are a part of my family, I have nothing but love and respect for them.

Rob, oh Rob…for a while after he moved to go live with Emily, I would hear rumblings and rumors about what he was up to from well intentioned friends. The stories were never very kind to Emily (I guess these people wanted me to know they were on my side). I heard she tried to host a dinner party and ended up with a table full of guests and a burned dinner and in her agitation she locked herself in the bathroom wailing that she was sure I would’ve done it better. (The person who was at that dinner and told me that story did so gleefully but frankly it makes me sad to think about it.) It took two years before I would hear from Rob again, by then his relationship with Emily was long over. When Rob contacted me he apologized for his bad behavior. He admitted that he cheated on me with Emily, he acknowledged that up until our last conversation I tried to be a good friend, and that he was very sorry for his selfish behavior.

Rob and I have never been able to be friends. After that first phone call, I felt moved enough to send his mother some pictures of Michael (I had become close to someone who had grandchildren and I was feeling sorry for Rob’s mom for missing out on this precious little boy). She sent back a note saying he was a beautiful little boy who looked nothing like anyone in her family. I never sent her picture again. Rob called a couple of years after that first phone call, just to see how things were going, and then almost like clockwork every couple of years. He even called me from his bachelor party, and that was the last time he called. Last year instead of a phone call I got a friend request on Facebook and I declined it. I sent him a very kind email telling him that far too much of my personal life is on my Facebook page and I didn’t feel comfortable with him having that kind of access to my life (nor with his family having access to my life). I did send him an update on my life and even sent a few select pictures. I didn’t hear back from him again, but I know that he’s married and has a beautiful little girl. I hope he’s very happy, but I will always vigilantly guard my boundaries with him.

I know that some of you will wonder what happened to Russ, so I’ll tell you – he got his wings and became a pilot and while we always stayed in touch, that window for romantic relationships had closed for us. However, he’s still a good friend – in fact I saw him last week when I was in San Diego for vacation. Russ has never gotten married but he has a daughter with a girl that he dated. I don’t know if he’ll ever get married but I know he adores that little girl.

As for me…

Having Michael really inspired me to get a move on with my life. I changed jobs about a year after he was born, because I realized that I was never going to be able to finish my degree where I was working. I’m still friends with some of my old coworkers, and they never ask about my son for fear that it will upset or distress me, so I tell them about him every chance I get! I did finish my BA in Communications, though I took the long rambly route to do it! I then promptly set about getting a job that has nothing to do with my degree for a large health care system, that makes me a slave to the fiscal calendar, and keeps me on my toes – I will say it’s not my passion, but I like it more often than I don’t and I really enjoy the people I work with. In fact, I enjoy one of them so much that almost two years ago, I married him, but I’m getting ahead of myself…

Dating after the adoption was really hard. I’m afraid I had another incident of being “outed” by one of Rob’s friends while I was on a date. I went on dates where I told the guys right away that I had a baby I had placed for adoption and they ran for the hills! I changed up the tactics and waited until we had been dating for a while and then I told them and watched them head for the hills! I ultimately decided that it wasn’t *when* I broke the news that was important as *who* I broke it too. I knew that the right guy would accept me, all of me, even the part of me that let my son go. After yet another relationship came to it’s end I thanked God that Michael hadn’t been there to experience that heartache with me.

I met Nathan at work on a casual Friday. I will never forget it because I had on my favorite ratty sweatshirt when he came in my office to look at my computer, and I was instantly sorry I didn’t look better. Our relationship unfolded very slowly and very publicly because everyone on our floor seemed interested! (He works for a different department but is right down the hall from me.) However, once we decided to talk about not seeing other people, I told him about Michael and he looked at me and said “that only makes me admire you more” and I knew I had a keeper. We were married almost three years to the day from when we met.

When I get my packet full of pictures, he listens as I read the letter from Beth aloud, and he looks at the pictures very carefully. I know that he doesn’t really know what to say, but he listens and that’s what matters most.

When I look back on my experience as a birthmother, I won’t tell you that it was easy or fun, but I will say that the blessings I encountered on my journey have far outweighed any negative experiences that I had along the way. In those blessings I count you, for reading along and sharing this journey with me as I relive it again. The emails and comments that I received here have meant the world to me, thank you.

I’ll see you next week, and tell you all about my Birthmother!

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