Author Archive

I don’t know if you’re like me, but I wander through the Internet jumping off my blog and on to others rather haphazardly. I find a comment I like on a blog and I follow the URL, which is how I found Michelle at Warsaw Mommy (which is not an adoption blog but one I keep on my feed page, love, love Michelle’s site and her beautiful family adventures).

Sometimes I’m on a blog, which has a link to another blog, and off down the rabbit hole I go, which is how I found Jill at the Happiest Sad. When I read her blog I am struck by her good common sense approach to life, even though our experiences with adoption are different, there are similarities too.

Much to my sadness, sometimes I go down the rabbit hole, find a site I like and forget to bookmark it or make note of the link and then I can’t seem to find it again. So dear Readers, I’m calling out to all of you – what sites do you follow faithfully? what sites do you love? What do you love about them?

If you have any questions, comments, or concerns please feel free to email me at DecidingForLife (at) gmail.com or submit them anonymously via http://www.formspring.me/decidingforlife

My heart is pounding, my head is reeling – I am being induced in two weeks, a week early.

At my doctor’s appointment, Dr.A made that concerned face and since I knew I had been staying away from the watermelon I didn’t think I had done anything to cause the concerned face. (Especially since moments earlier he was laughing at my explanation of why I smelled like peppermint.)

“Well Joy, here’s the situation,” he said, still looking serious, (have I mentioned that I’m not really a fan of the serious face?) “you aren’t dilated at all and that baby boy seems to be doing some serious growing in there. I’m concerned that the longer the wait, the less realistic it will be for you to have a vaginal delivery.”

“Ok,” I said, and I knew my voice sounded small and scared because in that moment I felt small and scared. His nurse stepped closer and patted my shoulder reassuringly.

“I think we should schedule you to be induced.”

“Ok.” I said, and he looked relieved.

What I should probably explain is that I have since learned from watching my girlfriends go through several pregnancies, is that apparently most people have a “birth plan” – I did not. Most women have strong opinions about the drugs used when they induce labor or just about the general induction process – I did not. I suppose with so much experience with women who have plans and strong opinions, Dr.A was braced for the storm and so what he got instead was probably a bit of a let down.

So Dr.A went about the business of getting me scheduled to be induced and when I left I went about the business of getting ready to go to the hospital and have a baby.

For weeks, I have had my bag and Ben’s, packed and ready to go. Ben would be staying at the vet while I was in the hospital. Knowing that Ben was prone to separation anxiety I had talked to the vet and packed a bag for Ben that included a blanket that I had on the sofa for a few weeks so I knew it smelled like me and him, so that would be comforting for him. I packed his food and a soft snuggly toy, and then on top I wrote a letter to the vet techs that would be taking care of him while I was in the hospital. I explained that while lots of pets were in their care Ben was especially important, because I was going to the hospital to have a baby and coming home without one, Ben would be the only baby I had left. I admit I know I was playing on their sympathies a little but I was worried about Ben and I knew I was going to have my hands full of emotion and worry so I was trying to lessen the worries on my plate.

I had packed my bag haphazardly, I had some things that Beth and John sent me – a book to pass the time, sugar free hard candy, etc. I also had packed a comfy sleep shirt, basic toiletries. While I’m confessing things I should probably admit that even now, mere weeks away from having the baby, I hadn’t read any books, watched anything labor and delivery related, or taken any child birth classes. I somehow missed the window on the classes and I seemed to purposefully avoid the other two for fear of, well, fear! I didn’t want to see anything terrifying or think about all the things that COULD go wrong, so I was kind of flying by the seat of my pants as I pulled my bag together.

I learned that apparently I do have some Type-A tendencies as I lined up the proposals that I had to work on between now and induction day. I told everyone in the office what was going on and I planned to be out for two weeks after the baby was born. (Obviously I didn’t need a full maternity leave.) All of my work ducks were in a row.

I emailed Beth and together we squealed in excitement across cyberspace. She made the plans that needed to be made on her end, and I knew I would see her soon!

The last duck was the hardest to get to line up, Rob. I didn’t know what to say or do about him. We hadn’t spoken since we said goodbye at the barbecue restaurant. I wondered if he wanted to know or didn’t want to know. He had already said that he didn’t plan on coming back, so should I even bother? I flipped and flopped on the issue but ultimately I cast a message out across cyberspace and across the miles, one day if my Son asks why Rob wasn’t there when he was born I wanted that to be a question Rob had to answer, I didn’t want to shoulder the guilt. I sent the email and said a prayer, and knew that really there was nothing else I could do.

I have missed two Tuesdays of my “Tuesday Topics” because I had delusions of grandeur, I’m sorry. I got this really great question emailed to me:

How did you know what the laws were and what your rights were in regards to adoption?

Short, simple to the point – right? So what took so long to answer? Well sometimes I take the long and hard road to get where I need to go. That was sadly the case with this question.

I started by talking about the laws that were in effect during my pregnancy, and then I realized that they had changed. I started trying to update that information and then I realized those laws only apply to the State of Florida – the laws vary from state to state. (this is where the delusions of grandeur crept in…) Then I tried to expand my post to include laws from other states, to make it a comprehensive resource. Of course, I realized not only do the laws vary from state to state but they also change on a regular basis. I didn’t want to put bad information out there.

I also tried to work my “day job” and do this “have a life” thing…surely you can see how this spiraled out of control. I’m not making excuses, it’s just sometimes I don’t always take the best path.

So, let’s try this again, here’s the question I got asked -

How did you know what the laws were and what your rights were in regards to adoption?

First and foremost, I asked questions, ALOT of questions. I didn’t know everything about adoption then, I certainly don’t now. It is 110% okay to ask questions, and I don’t know any adoption professional that wouldn’t be receptive to answering questions.You may not always get the answers you are hoping for, but you don’t know if you don’t ask.

I also relied on someone else to help ask questions, my Mom. The first time I met with Mary, my Mom was there to make sure that I didn’t forget anything and to offer her insight and perspective. It’s so easy to get overwhelmed, there’s alot of emotions involved. It’s okay to ask a parent, close friend, etc. to be involved to make sure that you don’t forget anything.

Generally speaking there are also provisions made in most States for legal counsel to be provided for birthparents. I admit that I didn’t really take advantage of that, because even though the option was available to me – I felt comfortable with the adoption professionals I chose to work with. (I never, at any point in time, felt like anyone from the Attorney’s office to the actual Adoptive parents had anything but my best interests at heart.)

I guess all of that is the long drawn out way of saying the old adage is true – you can never ask a stupid question! So ask!

In the first trimester of my pregnancy, the life inside you seems fragile and needs to be protected and the actual “birth” seems far away and TERRIFYING (well it did for me anyway). For the first trimester I had to avoid any reality shows that showed what happened in the delivery room – I was really scared, scared of the pain, scared of that big baby coming out of that tiny opening. Yes, the birthing bed seemed a horrifying place.

During the second trimester, as my bump grew I learned how to share my pregnancy. People asked questions, pregnancy was no longer something I could put on the back burner. Labor was still on the horizon but still far away and still a bit scary.

Near the end of my third trimester I went from “I’m scared of Labor” to “let’s get it done.” The closer we get to the end of this journey, the more uncomfortable I am. It’s harder and harder to get comfortable in bed, the baby doesn’t seem to have enough room in there and so he’s constantly moving and shifting trying to find a cozy spot. One night the baby was so restless, I didn’t think I would ever get to sleep and then Ben, my big snugly dog, put his head on my very pregnant belly and the most amazing thing happened – the baby settled down and went to sleep (so I did too shortly thereafter). Ben was definitely earning his keep!

A few days after my weekly check up I noticed that I had some sort of hives, everywhere. I was covered all over my body except for on my face and my palms! I even had them on the soles of my feet. In a panic I called the doctor’s office where I was diagnosed with PUPPS pregnancy rash. (PUPPS is a cute acronym for something that doesn’t feel very cute at all.) I was also told that I needed to avoid taking medication if at all possible.

The closest experience I’ve had to PUPPS outside of childhood illnesses are medication reactions, but even then you take meds and it’s over in a day or two. I went out and spent a small fortune on Oatmeal products to calm the itching, soaks, body wash, the whole nine yards. They all offered temporary relief but the itching always came back. I didn’t realize how much I relied on products like Benedryl for situations like this until that option was off the table.

Getting comfortable at night was hard before PUPPS, afterward it seemed almost impossible. I flopped and flipped and tried not to scratch all night long. I woke myself up rubbing my legs together like a cricket trying to stop the itching without actually scratching. It was awful, and then relief came from the most unlikely of places!

Beth had been nesting and reading all the appropriate books and so she and John put together and send me a package of goodies for my hospital stay. (Yes, there was a sweet card which caused me to cry – happy tears, just a little!) In that box she included Peppermint Foot Lotion. I laughed at the time, as I hadn’t really seen my feet in weeks, but I still put some on my feet almost immediately. (I love that peppermint smell!)

I was curled up on the sofa reading when I realized something – my feet weren’t itching. I slathered myself in the peppermint foot lotion and almost immediately two things happened. The first was that I started to feel like I had a chill, something about peppermint oil was apparently cooling. More importantly though, the itching seemed to go away!

The next day I sent Beth a jubilant email, thanking her so much and telling her about how her Peppermint Foot lotion was my miracle cure! I could almost hear her laughter when she emailed me back to tell me how happy she was to have given me some relief. I was covered almost head to toe in Peppermint Lotion and feeling better than I had since the emergence of those wretched PUPPS!

I felt so much better I forgot completely about them, until Tim came into my office and after a few minutes of chatting he asked -

“Do you smell peppermint?”

I laughed.

As I enter the home stretch of my pregnancy, I get to go see Dr.A every week. Every week I go in, with very little to report and I always seem to be right on track for where I need to be. Dr.A has taken to teasing me that if he had more patients like me, he would be out of business, everything has been by the book. Well everything until this week. The scale has never been my friend, but even more so now that I’m pregnant. I tend to pretty much ignore that part of my visit all together, so when Dr.A walked in reviewing my chart with his eyebrows knitted together, I felt butterflies start fluttering in my stomach.

“Joy, have you had any problems this week? Felt differently? Feeling emotionally stressed perhaps?” He asked me.

“Not that I can think of,” I said. My hands were feeling a little sweaty, as he studied my face.

“Well, I can’t help but notice that you gained three pounds this week,” he said looking down at the chart, “which is more than you’ve been putting on. Did you have more sweets or eat anything unusual?”

This was just embarrassing! I thought as I scrambled through all of my meals looking for something out of the ordinary, at no point had I bought a cake and eaten it by myself.

“Nothing, well except for watermelon.” I said.

Truth be told, as it got hotter outside, I had become a little watermelon obsessed. Ever since I found out I could get a big bowl of precut watermelon at the grocery store.

“How much watermelon?” he asked, and his eyes were twinkling with laughter.

“Umm, you know those big bowls they sell at Albertson’s?” I said, he nodded “I think I’ve had three in the last week.”

“That would do it,” he said chuckling.

“I thought fruit was healthy?”

“Well some fruit is more healthy than the others.”

I couldn’t decide if I wanted to laugh or cry. I had been trying so hard to make sure I had a healthy pregnancy and now I had poisoned myself with watermelon. Really, I was so proud that I had resisted the urge to buy ice cream or popsicles. It was really bothering me.

“Don’t beat yourself up about it,” Janet, Dr.A’s nurse said as she squeezed my hand reassuringly before I got off the table, “it will be just fine, your son is fine.”

“I just feel so stupid,” I said sheepishly. Again she smiled at me and patted my hand.

I guess in pregnancy, you don’t really cross the finish line until the baby is born and in your arms. Something I just sort of take for granted since everything has been going so smoothly. I contemplated that, the whole car ride to the office. The health of my baby was really important to me, I had been trying to make sure that while I was carrying him I was giving him everything he needed to be healthy and strong and here I was drowning the poor kid in watermelon! When I got to my office, I had resolved that I wouldn’t buy anymore of the big watermelon bowls until after my son was born.

Imagine my surprise when Ken walked into my office a few minutes after I got there with a big smile on his face and a parfait sized cup of watermelon!

“We noticed that you seemed to be craving watermelon, so when Josh went out to grab some breakfast, he picked this up for you.”

I thanked Ken but I couldn’t help but laugh as he handed me the cup. I guess my steely resolve on watermelon would have to wait until tomorrow.