Archive for the ‘Random’ Category

Russ is proving to be a good friend. I expected him to drop me like a hot potato after our date, but he has continued to call and ask how I’m doing. I admit that he hasn’t mentioned going anywhere in public with me, which makes me a little sad, (I mean friends have dinner together every now and then don’t they?) but really the fact that he didn’t completely run screaming for the hills never to be heard from again is a true testament to what a great guy he is.

In retrospect, sending Beth an email with the subject line “my four legged baby” was not terribly bright, before she opened the attachment and her eyes scanned the contents of the email she admitted that she thought I had an ultrasound and that there was something wrong with the baby. I must admit though that I was impressed that of all the emotions Beth conveyed in her email – fear for the baby, concern for how they would address such an odd medical issue, joy and excitement for me after my recent adoption, she never expressed doubt about wanting my baby – even if it did have four legs. Of course, she couldn’t have my four legged baby – he was all mine!

This past weekend, I went to my very first Greyhound Pets of America Meet and Greet. I had been emailing with my local chapter quite a bit,  doing the recommended reading, asking questions, and basically just trying to decide if I really wanted a Greyhound or not. Part of the problem was that I had never seen one, except for on TV in commercials for the dog track (Well, and on the Simpsons if you count Santa’s Little Helper.) Through my research I had learned that Greyhounds were not what I expected them to be – high energy dogs that needed space to run and cut loose, so while I learned that their couch potato lifestyle should fit with mine, I still wasn’t entirely sold.

However, on Thursday I opened the newspaper and was looking in the animal/pets section of the classified and I saw an ad that had been placed by the GPA – it had a profile shot of a handsome brindle dog smiling, it said his name was Ben and he was looking for a home. I studied that profile carefully – I liked that smile, and so I asked for the next Meet and Greet date and learned that it was Saturday Morning.

I got up on Saturday and put on my best overalls (a fashion statement I had avoided before pregnancy but now I found that it was comfortable and left most people unsure whether I was pregnant or not) and drove to the vet clinic where the Meet and Greet was being held. Before I even got out of my car I saw a rainbow assortment of tall and skinny dogs standing comfortably with people who were milling about and doing a little meeting and greeting themselves. I didn’t expect for there to be so many dogs, but there were at least a dozen and they were faun, reddish faun, black, and a color that people call brindle but it looked almost like tiger striping! The dogs all looked like lean athletes and I had a hard time believing that they would morph into laid back and companionable pets.

I was quickly approached by one of the GPA volunteers and when I gave her my name, she quickly took me to meet her TWO foster dogs! They were beautiful, a small black female and a tall brindle male. She told me they were small animal tested, both passed with flying colors. However though I was more drawn to the friendly smile of Ted, the tall male, when she told me the stories about him liberating a loaf of bread from the kitchen and “passing it out” to all the other dogs. (Gleefully shredding it so that pieces went EVERYWHERE!) I thought he might be too much dog for my apartment.

Every volunteer that I met was very exuberant when I introduced myself, they introduced their fosters, encouraged me to take their dog for a walk (they had a small yard where you could walk with the dog to interact a little bit). I walked one or two of the dogs, and I must say they were the most laid back dogs ever to walk – they never seemed to pull at the leash or exhibit any bad behavior at all. However, of all the dogs I walked, while many were beautiful I just didn’t get that tug that told me that my dog was there.

Then just as I was trying to decide what to do, a van pulled up, and a woman hurried out apologizing for being late. Marie, the president of the local GPA chapter, who I was talking to when this mysterious stranger pulled up waved at the woman and called out to her -

“Ann, this is Joy!” she said excitedly.

Ann, the woman from the van, had the back of the van open and was bringing out her foster dog, Ben. She brought him right to me and put his leash in my hand and encouraged me to take him for a walk. Ben was a tall brindle male, but his stripes were more brown and black, than the orangey brown and black of the other brindles, and his fur was exceptionally soft. He walked right next to me, in a perfect heel though I hadn’t uttered any kind of command. His eyes were beautiful, dark soulful eyes that seemed wise and a little sad.

When Ben and I came back to where Ann was now standing smiling broadly, she started to tell me his story. Ben was actually retired from racing years earlier and he had lived with a family for the past few years. However, he had killed a cockatiel that his family had brought home and kept on an open air stand (Sounds like bad people, not really a bad dog.) so they took him to the vet to be destroyed, saying he was a dangerous animal. The vet took the dog and called the GPA refusing to destroy a dog for doing what it was bred to do. Ben had been pining for him family, Ann was struggling with getting him to eat. I had been petting Ben while we were talking and he had leaned against my leg. I smiled down at him.

A young girl, probably around ten or eleven, came over and asked Ann if she could walk Ben, and I looked up to see the girl smiling at me and her mother (who had sent the girl over to ask) standing a few feet away. My heart skipped a beat, but Ann told the girl she would have to ask me. I was shocked when I heard myself say, “not right now.” (I am normally never one to tell a child no to such a reasonable request.) Ann looked at me grinning broadly.

“So do you want him?” She asked.

I knelt down in front of the dog, and I asked him “do you want to come home with me?”

Obviously he had no words to answer, but he put his head down and stepped up to me, burying his head against me. It was almost like he was saying, “I thought you would never ask.”

Within twenty minutes the paperwork was signed, I purchased a new leash and collar from the clinic where the Meet and Greet was being held, and Ben was mine. I was so happy that I even let the little girl take him for a walk, and my heart lifted a little when I saw that though Ben went with her, he looked back over his shoulder seeming to make sure I wasn’t going anywhere. Ann and I were talking, she was telling me what kind of food he was eating and what schedule he was on, etc. etc. I was so engrossed I almost didn’t notice that the girl and her Mother were standing near Marie with Ben, Marie was shaking her head.

The girl brought Ben back to me a few moments later and as she handed me the leash back she said “this was going to be my dog, but they said you got it first.”and then she walked away.

Ben was leaning against my leg, and I couldn’t help but think that he got me first.

In the interest of full disclosure, I’m going to go ahead and tell you that the date with Russ was almost over before it even began. I had a fashion crisis going through my closet, which is highly unusual for me. Nothing seemed to fit or fit right, and the maternity clothes that I knew would fit made me look pregnant (something I didn’t want Russ to figure out on his own – I wanted to tell him first). After my fashion meltdown, that did involve me in a puddle on the ground crying, I found a lovely nondescript charcoal gray dress to wear. It was loose in all the right places and yet I still felt good in it, so I was able to pull myself together. In fact by the time Russ got there I was feeling pretty good about myself.

Russ was wearing a navy blue suit, he looked so handsome that it took my breath away. His eyes were sparkling and his smile was so bright when he looked at me, that I blushed. I was touched when he offered me his arm and escorted me to the car, opening my door for me and everything! (I couldn’t help but think how pleased my parents would be at those gestures.)

“I hope you’re hungry,” Russ said as he slid behind the steering wheel.

“I could eat,” I said smiling at him, but I silently prayed that he wasn’t planning on taking me out for sushi.

Russ and I talked the whole way to the restaurant, in fact I was so engrossed in the conversation that I didn’t notice where we were going, so when I realized we were in front of one of the nicest restaurants in town (well definitely the one with the nicest view) I was surprised and excited! I had been there several times with my family but never on a date before.

Nancy’s Restaurant on the Bay had a reputation for wonderful food, excellent service, and a beautiful setting and for Valentine’s day they pulled out all the stops. As Russ and I walked in the door, I was handed a red rose, which I guess could’ve seemed cheesy but somehow it added to the magic. Ever, the gentlman, Russ seated me at the bar and after we ordered drinks (a diet coke for him and a ginger ale for me to try to make sure my stomach behaved itself) he went to check on our reservations.

I was sitting at the bar, marveling that I had never seen Nancy’s so crowded before when I heard a voice call out to me.

“Joy, I knew that was you,” a tall lanky man said as he patted me on the back.

I recognized his face as someone that worked with Rob, but I couldn’t remember his name. I smiled at him, while I looked past him for some sign that Russ was coming back. I didn’t want Russ to think I was trying to pick up some random guy on our date.

“Joy, I just wanted you to know that Rob told me about your situation and the decision that you guys made, and I want you to know that I’m really impressed,” them man said which immediately focused my attention back on him.

I felt like a glass of ice water had just been poured down my back, “I’m sorry, what did you say?” I asked.

“Rob told us about the baby and the adoption and everything, and I think it’s really admirable what you guys have decided.”

Everything seemed to start spinning, isn’t this exactly one of the things Rob and I agreed that he was not going to do? Isn’t this exactly the reason why?

“I, um” I couldn’t think of anything to say, and I felt my face flush and my eyes dangerously close to filling up with tears. Then to add to my stress I saw Russ looking at me, smiling while he made his way across the room towards me.

Rob’s friend saw where I was looking and still completely oblivious to the shock and upset that he caused he smiled at me, “well I can see that you have plans for dinner, I just wanted to tell you how great I think what you’re doing is,” and with that he disappeared into the throng of people waiting for their tables.

“Everything Russ okay?” Russ said as he took his seat next to mine.

“Absolutely,” I said, trying to sound more confident than I felt, “that was a friend on my ex-boyfriends.”

“Ah,” Russ said and he smiled reassuringly at me, and for the time being that friendly reassuring smile seemed to make everything else fade away.

Russ had the best laugh, it lit up his whole face and brightened his eyes. I found myself trying to think of the funniest stories I had just to see the way his eyes lit up when he laughed. I told him about the guys I worked with, he said I sounded like a proud Mother Hen, which made me blush.

It was a wonderful date, and Nancy’s lived up to it’s reputation. The food was amazing, we split the crab cake appetizer, I had a fish with artichokes and balsamic vinegar and Russ had steak. The server was silently attentive, always sliding in to refill glasses but never intruding on conversation. The conversation was great, we talked and laughed, the stars twinkled over the view of the bay, and everything seemed perfect and then it hit.

The check had been paid, we were sitting there talking, when I started to feel green around the gills. I guess I really hadn’t eaten anything as acidic as the Balsamic Vinegar that had been on the fish, and my stomach was not impressed.

“Oh please, no, not here,” I silently prayed.

The lull in our conversation brought Russ to his feet, “shall we go?”

“Yes,” I said, smiling tentatively, still praying inwardly that I was not going to be sick.

As we were driving back to my apartment, I was still praying and still fighting against the waves of nausea. If I could just make it inside my own apartment to be sick in the privacy of my own bathroom, everything would be okay.

“Hey, let’s get ice cream,” Russ said excitedly, turning into the Circle K where we met.

“Sure,” I said trying to smile brightly at him, I wondered if I looked as green as I felt, silently, inwardly praying not to be sick and ruin this date.

We ventured into Circle K, where he got a drumstick and I got an orange sherbet push-up pop. He was grinning like a kid as he started his drumstick while we drove on to my apartment. We talked a little but he was preoccupied with his ice cream and I was preoccupied trying to keep from being sick.

Ever the gentleman, Russ walked me to the door, he was saying all the right things to assure me that this had been a good date, indicating he would like to see me again soon. I smiled and told him how nice that would be, and then after unlocking my door, I turned and gave him a big hug and I dashed inside.

I just barely made it to the bathroom, where I was sick, sick like I hadn’t been since early on in my pregnancy. Clearly fish and Balsamic vinegar were not a good mix for me while I was pregnant. I had just brushed my teeth, splashed some cold water on my face, and come back into the living room. I was trying to decide how badly I had mucked up the end of the date, and while I was standing there I heard a surprising noise outside my door.

“Um, Joy,” a voice said, followed by a soft knock.

I opened the door and there was Russ, covered in ice cream that had leaked out from the bottom of his drumstick. There were so many thoughts running through my head that I couldn’t get a handle on them, I opened the door invited him in and then I burst into tears.

“Joy, what’s wrong?” Russ said, looking alarmed.

I went into the kitchen and grabbed him some paper towels and tried to get ahold of myself. Russ followed right behind me, still looking alarmed but looking like he felt helpless covered in ice cream.

“Russ, there’s something I have to tell you,” I said and the words came out in a rush, “I’m pregnant, and maybe I should’ve told you alraedy, but I liked you so much and I didn’t want to ruin everything but now you took me out on this wonderful date, and I ruined it by getting sick and leaving you on the front porch covered in ice cream. I’m so sorry.”

The words all ran together and at the end, the tears were sliding down my face, and Russ walked over to my sink where he dropped the drumstick, he wiped his hands clean, and then he gave me a hug. We stood there for a long moment, me crying and him holding me in his tight grasp. I couldn’t believe how could it felt just to be hugged. I hadn’t realized how long it had been since I had been hugged.

“Not a great time to start dating?” he asked.

“Probably not,” I agreed.

“But maybe a good time for new friends?”

“That would be nice,” I agreed, and with that our date, and any thoughts of dating while I was pregnant were over.

While Russ didn’t run screaming from my apartment, a few minutes later, I was curled up in bed thinking that for now dating was just not for me. However, I was at peace with my decision. I filed it under “lessons learned” and at least I had a new friend and Russ had not run screaming from the apartment. That was something.

I have loved having Beth’s email address, we email back and forth several times a day. Through the emails I’ve been getting to know Beth better and the more I get to know her, the more I like her. Some of our emails are about the baby, my pregnancy and their plans for the future, but some of them are just emails about our lives. She’s working right now in retail, but she’ll be quitting to be a stay at home Mom when the baby comes. She asked about my job, what I like to do on my days off, if I go to the beach since I am so close. I feel like she’s interested in me, as a person, not just me as a human incubator for her future child. I can tell that we are still feeling each other out, trying not to say things that will upset the apple cart, but I feel like a solid foundation is being built. Beth and John are planning a visit to come down and meet us sometime in the next month or two.

I’ve always liked my quite, independent life, but lately I’m thinking that it might be time to let someone else in – I’ve been thinking about getting a dog. When I grew up, we always had dogs, and I think there’s a certain magic to the relationship between people and their four legged companions. One thing that has got in the way is that I prefer bigger dogs, and it seems like apartment dwelling dogs are always of the small variety. However, I took an online dog compatibility test and Greyhound came out at the top of the list. I had never really thought about getting a Greyhound, they are runners and I am not, but I emailed my local rescue group to get more information.

In other news, I’ve run into Russ a couple of times, and he always seems very happy to see me. We chat while we wait in line and when we part ways he always tells me to have a great day. He has this amazing bright smile and I have to admit that I’m developing quite a crush on him, but still I’m pregnant…am I allowed to have crushes? or go out on dates? I’m still not sure but right now I’m just enjoying that this handsome man seems to be interested in me.

I still have weirdness at work with Cathy, and I’m really sad about it. She seems to be keeping her distance from me, and she’s someone that was not just my boss but my mentor and my friend. I can’t imagine why she would be so disappointed or upset with me, but she certainly seems to be. I normally tend to confront problems straight on so I would normally confront her, but there is something about this pregnancy that makes me feel so vulnerable. I think there’s part of me that is genuinely afraid to find out what she might say if I pushed the issue.

The wisdom and advice of my parents settled in over the next few days. Monday morning I called Dr.A’s office first thing, as I promised my Dad I would. Dr.A was recommended to me by a friend who had a very difficult pregnancy, I thought it boded well that he was able to get her and her baby through her pregnancy despite all the complications.

The receptionist seemed friendly enough as she asked for the usual information – name, date of birth, contact info and then she asked the question that probably got her more than she bargained for – “insurance?”

“Well, I don’t have any insurance, but I’m placing my baby for adoption and I’ll be working with an attorney, but I haven’t met with her yet, so for now I guess I’m a self-pay patient.”

My long answer was greeted with silence, and then after a pregnant pause, I was asked to hold for a moment. I felt a little confused, I couldn’t imagine what I had said to get this reaction.

“Ma’am?” the voice said.

“Yes,” I answered.

“There will be no charge for your first visit, we’ll work all of that out later when you chose your attorney.” She said.

My eyes unexpectedly welled with tears at the gesture. I thanked her, hardly able to keep the emotion out of my voice, as I wrote down the date and time for my appointment.

After careful consideration, I decided that while I was feeling a little drunk on the milk of human kindness and I had a doctor’s appointment, it was time to tell my boss about my pregnancy. The company I worked for was a small marketing company, there were ten of us in all. I was comfortably in the middle of the food chain, reporting directly to the president of the company with three designers underneath me. It often felt like we were a little, somewhat dysfunctional family, rather than coworkers.

I knocked on Cathy’s door, even though it was open. My boss and mentor, gestured me to sit in a chair in her office while she finished a call. Her eyebrows raised when I closed the door behind me.

“What can I do for you?” Cathy asked, smiling warmly after she had hung the phone up.

“Well Cathy, as you know Rob and I broke up, our relationship is done.” She nodded in agreement, her dark eyes were confused. I very rarely brought my personal problems to work.

“It would seem that there’s a little unfinished business,” I said and now her entire expression reflected confusion, “I’m pregnant and I’m planning on placing the child for adoption.”

“How far along are you?” she asked and I was shocked at how expressionless her face was suddenly.

“About 12 weeks,” I said. I wondered if my voice sounded as confused as I felt. She nodded. “I have a doctor’s appointment on Thursday so I’ll be in a little late.”

She nodded again. There was an awkward silence, and so I stood up to leave. My hand was on the door knob when she called out to me.

“Joy,” she said and I turned to look at her, “you will never be able to go through with this.” she said and looked down at the papers on her desk.

The warmth I felt after talking to the doctor’s office was replaced by dozens of emotions crashing over me. One minute I was angry, then I was sad, then I was hurt, then I was scared. I admired Cathy, we had worked together for several years, how could she say that to me. I felt like I had been standing there for a long time, searching for something to say, but instead I just left her office. I just didn’t know what to say.

On my way back to my office, I stopped by the receptionist and had her block the extra time off in the book on Thursday, but I didn’t tell her why. My strength had left me for today, I decided to save the rest of my coworkers for later.

What an incredible blessing this blog is turning into, I started it hoping to share my story with other people and now some of you are sharing your stories with me!

I love the beautiful little face that Amanda shared on the Facebook Fan Page, and her kind words of gratitude about the birthmother in her life. I can’t get over the big smile on that little boy’s face – it just warms my heart!

And the emails of support, they’ve brought tears to my eyes and I’ve been saving them and re-reading them – you are touching my heart as surely as I hope my story is touching yours.