Archive for the ‘Reflections’ Category

Well, next week is the week that I’m going to flip the tables and tell you about my search and eventual reunion with my Birthmother. She’s been reading so it will be interesting to see what she thinks about my perspective on the whole thing. It’s a story that will not take months to tell, and honestly I haven’t decided what to do after that. (Any wisdom, advice, or pointers from you dear readers is greatly appreciated.) However, before I “go there” I wanted to tie up all the loose ends that might be left for you from my experiences as being a birthmother, so here goes:

My son Michael, turned 10 this year. He is the oldest of three children that Beth and John have adopted. I was a little jealous when I got my picture updates from Beth and she told me the news that told me that number 2 was coming, I was *their* birthmother, they were *my* adoptive parents – those feelings lasted for about 15 minutes but I am still amused and ashamed that I had them. My son is a beautiful little boy, the pictures and updates that I receive paint a picture of a thoughtful, caring child who inherited my asthma (I cried when I read that in one of Beth’s letters) but is happy, otherwise healthy, and loved. He is all boy, playing with bugs, going fishing, boy scouting with John and he is a tenderhearted love – releasing the fish he catches and loving nothing more than his morning cup of tea with his Mom.

Beth has completely fulfilled her end of our agreement. For the first few years of Micheal’s life I got pictures every few months, but as he got older and changed less the picture packets now come two or three times a year. Usually around his birthday and at Christmas for sure, but sometimes Beth will surprise me and slip one in during the Spring. She sent word once through the attorney that she was worried the pictures and updates made it harder for me, but through the attorney I assured her that I loved them, and to please keep them coming, the envelopes got fatter after that!

Despite the fact I know Beth and John’s last name and where they live, I have kept my side of the agreement – I have never contacted them directly. In this very public, very digital age that we live in I suppose I could seek them out on Facebook or look for them where they live – I choose not to because that was my end of the agreement. Actually I feel very protective of Beth and John, which is why I have not provided any pictures or too much detail about them here, in my heart – they are a part of my family, I have nothing but love and respect for them.

Rob, oh Rob…for a while after he moved to go live with Emily, I would hear rumblings and rumors about what he was up to from well intentioned friends. The stories were never very kind to Emily (I guess these people wanted me to know they were on my side). I heard she tried to host a dinner party and ended up with a table full of guests and a burned dinner and in her agitation she locked herself in the bathroom wailing that she was sure I would’ve done it better. (The person who was at that dinner and told me that story did so gleefully but frankly it makes me sad to think about it.) It took two years before I would hear from Rob again, by then his relationship with Emily was long over. When Rob contacted me he apologized for his bad behavior. He admitted that he cheated on me with Emily, he acknowledged that up until our last conversation I tried to be a good friend, and that he was very sorry for his selfish behavior.

Rob and I have never been able to be friends. After that first phone call, I felt moved enough to send his mother some pictures of Michael (I had become close to someone who had grandchildren and I was feeling sorry for Rob’s mom for missing out on this precious little boy). She sent back a note saying he was a beautiful little boy who looked nothing like anyone in her family. I never sent her picture again. Rob called a couple of years after that first phone call, just to see how things were going, and then almost like clockwork every couple of years. He even called me from his bachelor party, and that was the last time he called. Last year instead of a phone call I got a friend request on Facebook and I declined it. I sent him a very kind email telling him that far too much of my personal life is on my Facebook page and I didn’t feel comfortable with him having that kind of access to my life (nor with his family having access to my life). I did send him an update on my life and even sent a few select pictures. I didn’t hear back from him again, but I know that he’s married and has a beautiful little girl. I hope he’s very happy, but I will always vigilantly guard my boundaries with him.

I know that some of you will wonder what happened to Russ, so I’ll tell you – he got his wings and became a pilot and while we always stayed in touch, that window for romantic relationships had closed for us. However, he’s still a good friend – in fact I saw him last week when I was in San Diego for vacation. Russ has never gotten married but he has a daughter with a girl that he dated. I don’t know if he’ll ever get married but I know he adores that little girl.

As for me…

Having Michael really inspired me to get a move on with my life. I changed jobs about a year after he was born, because I realized that I was never going to be able to finish my degree where I was working. I’m still friends with some of my old coworkers, and they never ask about my son for fear that it will upset or distress me, so I tell them about him every chance I get! I did finish my BA in Communications, though I took the long rambly route to do it! I then promptly set about getting a job that has nothing to do with my degree for a large health care system, that makes me a slave to the fiscal calendar, and keeps me on my toes – I will say it’s not my passion, but I like it more often than I don’t and I really enjoy the people I work with. In fact, I enjoy one of them so much that almost two years ago, I married him, but I’m getting ahead of myself…

Dating after the adoption was really hard. I’m afraid I had another incident of being “outed” by one of Rob’s friends while I was on a date. I went on dates where I told the guys right away that I had a baby I had placed for adoption and they ran for the hills! I changed up the tactics and waited until we had been dating for a while and then I told them and watched them head for the hills! I ultimately decided that it wasn’t *when* I broke the news that was important as *who* I broke it too. I knew that the right guy would accept me, all of me, even the part of me that let my son go. After yet another relationship came to it’s end I thanked God that Michael hadn’t been there to experience that heartache with me.

I met Nathan at work on a casual Friday. I will never forget it because I had on my favorite ratty sweatshirt when he came in my office to look at my computer, and I was instantly sorry I didn’t look better. Our relationship unfolded very slowly and very publicly because everyone on our floor seemed interested! (He works for a different department but is right down the hall from me.) However, once we decided to talk about not seeing other people, I told him about Michael and he looked at me and said “that only makes me admire you more” and I knew I had a keeper. We were married almost three years to the day from when we met.

When I get my packet full of pictures, he listens as I read the letter from Beth aloud, and he looks at the pictures very carefully. I know that he doesn’t really know what to say, but he listens and that’s what matters most.

When I look back on my experience as a birthmother, I won’t tell you that it was easy or fun, but I will say that the blessings I encountered on my journey have far outweighed any negative experiences that I had along the way. In those blessings I count you, for reading along and sharing this journey with me as I relive it again. The emails and comments that I received here have meant the world to me, thank you.

I’ll see you next week, and tell you all about my Birthmother!

Dear friends,

I haven’t forgotten you! I’m afraid I fell behind due to a huge deadline at work that was immediately followed by a little illness, (I got a sinus infection,  and I then had an allergy to the antibiotics – yuck!) so I’ve been wiped out. I have a post going up later today.

Sorry for the delay!
Joy!

This week I want to do something different, a question was left for me on my FormSpring page and I dashed off a quick answer there but with further reflection I wanted to flush it out and share it here, in case it’s a question other people have, so here goes:

I’m curious if you and Beth discussed openness in the adoption plan. If so, how did you come to an agreement that you were both felt comfortable with?

When I decided I wanted to place my son for adoption, I did some research about adoption. I knew that there were options available to me that weren’t available to my birthmother when I was born. (Adoption has changed a good deal since the 70′s and there is room for the birth parents in their child’s life.) I knew I didn’t want a closed adoption – I didn’t just want to have my son and never know what happened to him, so a closed adoption was out. I also knew that I didn’t think I was strong enough to say good bye to my son over and over again, so a fully open adoption with visitation wasn’t really in the cards for me either. I wanted a semi-open adoption,  I wanted pictures and updates and in time, I want my son to decide if he wants to have a relationship with me.

What’s interesting is that when Beth and John put in their profile, they told the attorney’s office that they did not want an open adoption. They were told that it would really decrease the odds of them being selected by a birthmother as most birthmothers now want an open adoption agreement. However, they knew what they wanted and so they put in their profile and hoped for the best. I suppose this is where Mary really gets credit – she knew what I wanted and knew what Beth and John wanted, and sent their profile with the rest for me to review.

Beth did tell me the story about how people discouraged them from seeking a “semi-open” adoption and I really admired that she really wanted a baby, but not so badly that she was willing to compromise on what she wanted or needed in a birthmother relationship. I really believe that people who try to compromise their needs are often the ones that end up dissatisfied with their adoption arrangements. Beth and I did discuss that for the first few years of my Son’s life -  I would get updates every three or four months. (Those early months are the ones in which he went through changes so fast!) After that I would get updates twice a year, at Christmas and at his birthday. I knew exactly what I was getting going into our adoption agreement and I have never been disappointed.

If you have questions you can always email me  at DecidingForLife (at) gmail.com or ask them at http://www.formspring.me/decidingforlife – Formspring allows you to ask them anonymously.

Aside from the dramatic episodes I’ve shared with you, you know “Baby Daddy Drama” and such, the third trimester of my pregnancy had been relatively uneventful. I go to work, I come home and Ben greets me with a happy dance that makes him look like he’s hopping. Then Ben and I go for a walk in the woods next to the apartment complex, I keep a leash on him at all times (waiting for us to scare up something and for him to decide to take off like a shot) but he seems happiest to walk right next to me with the leash slack. After his walk, we have dinner and then I curl up on the sofa with a book, movie, or TV show and relax. (Before bed Ben gets another shorter walk.) Sometimes there are dinner or outing with friends, sometimes errands, but for the most part – life is quiet and life is good.

I mention this because the other day when I came home, Ben did not meet me at the door. I called him, as I took the leash down and he didn’t come.  My heart started racing and the baby started moving restlessly. I found Ben in the bedroom, his long greyhound snout had what looked like dried slobber on it and his eyes were wide with fear. When I called him, he came to me but as soon as I tried to touch his nose he ran away from me into the corner. I panicked.

I grabbed Ben’s collar and snapped the leash on and we headed for the car. I made it to the vet in record time and when Ben and I burst through the door, either the sight of the wild eyed dog or the heaving pregnant woman caused them to immediately take Ben to the back. I stood there, holding on to the counter breathing deeply.

“Ma’am, it’ll be fine, don’t get too worked up.” the receptionist said in a soothing voice and I could tell she was worried I was going to have my baby right there at the reception desk.

Ben was back before I knew it, and the Vet Tech was smiling. She put a piece of off white plastic in my hand.

“This was stuck in the roof of his mouth, I suspect when you get home you’ll find something chewed on that wasn’t one of his dog toys.” She said smiling.

The piece of plastic looked suspiciously like the rod from my blinds when I said that the vet tech started laughing with me.

On the ride home, with a very tired greyhound stretched across the backseat, I was happy that for that moment that was all the drama life had thrown my way for the moment. Oh sure, I could handle crazy ladies in the book store, and birthfathers who want to change the adoption plan but it was nice to not have to.

I love bookstores, I have always loved to read. I like to keep a stack of three books “to be read” so in case something happens and I can’t get to the bookstore. This means when I go to the bookstore, I can and often do browse for hours.

After work (and running home to take Ben for a walk) I decided I’d run up to the bookstore for a while. I meandered through the store, enjoying reading the back of some books that caught my eye, flipping through a few pages if I was considering buying it. In no time at all, I had a few books I wanted to buy and so I headed over to the children’s area to browse the books there.

I have always loved children’s books! In fact one of my happy memories of Rob was one time when we went to the bookstore and he read “If you Give a Pig a Pancake” outloud to me. Little children started to join me on the floor at his feet as we listened to him read. (He is an excellent reader!) Anyway, full of happy memories and nostalgia I grabbed a book of Jack Prelutsky poetry and then sat down on the floor to read.

So here’s the problem, everything was fine while I was sitting on the floor but when I went to get up I started to struggling. (Apparently this pregnant belly thing is a little more inhibiting than I realized!) Well, after a few tries, I started laughing at my predicament. I didn’t sit close enough to the shelves to help pull myself up and since I was wearing a dress, shifting to my knees and then getting up seemed like a bad idea. The more I considered and discarded options, the harder I laughed.

“Are you stuck?” a pleasant voice asked.

“It looks that way,” I said as I looked at the woman who had come over from another section to see what the ruckus was all about I suppose.

“Would you like a hand up?” she said as she reached her hand out to me.

“Yes thank you,” I said with a grateful smile as I took her hand.

I got to my feet chuckling, and brushing my dress off.

“When are you due?” she asked.

“June 1.”

“I bet you and your husband are very excited,” she said.

“Oh, I’m not married,” I said.

Just like that, everything went wrong. I guess she had realized I wasn’t wearing a ring, maybe when she took my hand to help me up. I heard a sharp intake of air.

“So then you know your baby is an abomination before God,” she said and while I suppose it was a question she delivered it as a statement of fact.

My hand defensively went to my belly, and I felt like her sharp intake of air had been sucking up my air. My eyes narrowed as I regarded her. She was my age, she was wearing “regular” clothes (if not a little more conservative than most people do), even the gold cross around her neck seemed “normal.” There was nothing to tip me off that this person who had been friendly a moment before was going to make such a horrible and hurtful statement.

I thought of at least a dozen come backs ranging from appropriate scripture to cutting remarks, and instead I turned and walked away. She didn’t ask anything about my situation or my plans – she just passed judgment and I realized that her judgment was really all she cared about. I walked with my head up to the front of the store where I checked out and left. There are things that I may not be sure of in this world, but of one thing I am sure – a baby is a blessing, a gift from God, not an abomination. (Now that woman, she might be actually have grown up to be an abomination.)

I emailed Beth about my experience, and my eyes filled with grateful tears when I read her response. Beth assured me that no only was this baby the greatest blessing ever for her and John, she could find dozens of people who agreed with her and who were waiting to meet this little miracle. Again, I was struck by the fact that under different circumstances I think Beth and I would’ve been good friends, I wondered what we would become now, with the circumstances that have brought us together. I guess only time will tell.