Archive for the ‘Tuesday Topics’ Category

I don’t know if you’re like me, but I wander through the Internet jumping off my blog and on to others rather haphazardly. I find a comment I like on a blog and I follow the URL, which is how I found Michelle at Warsaw Mommy (which is not an adoption blog but one I keep on my feed page, love, love Michelle’s site and her beautiful family adventures).

Sometimes I’m on a blog, which has a link to another blog, and off down the rabbit hole I go, which is how I found Jill at the Happiest Sad. When I read her blog I am struck by her good common sense approach to life, even though our experiences with adoption are different, there are similarities too.

Much to my sadness, sometimes I go down the rabbit hole, find a site I like and forget to bookmark it or make note of the link and then I can’t seem to find it again. So dear Readers, I’m calling out to all of you – what sites do you follow faithfully? what sites do you love? What do you love about them?

If you have any questions, comments, or concerns please feel free to email me at DecidingForLife (at) gmail.com or submit them anonymously via http://www.formspring.me/decidingforlife

I have missed two Tuesdays of my “Tuesday Topics” because I had delusions of grandeur, I’m sorry. I got this really great question emailed to me:

How did you know what the laws were and what your rights were in regards to adoption?

Short, simple to the point – right? So what took so long to answer? Well sometimes I take the long and hard road to get where I need to go. That was sadly the case with this question.

I started by talking about the laws that were in effect during my pregnancy, and then I realized that they had changed. I started trying to update that information and then I realized those laws only apply to the State of Florida – the laws vary from state to state. (this is where the delusions of grandeur crept in…) Then I tried to expand my post to include laws from other states, to make it a comprehensive resource. Of course, I realized not only do the laws vary from state to state but they also change on a regular basis. I didn’t want to put bad information out there.

I also tried to work my “day job” and do this “have a life” thing…surely you can see how this spiraled out of control. I’m not making excuses, it’s just sometimes I don’t always take the best path.

So, let’s try this again, here’s the question I got asked -

How did you know what the laws were and what your rights were in regards to adoption?

First and foremost, I asked questions, ALOT of questions. I didn’t know everything about adoption then, I certainly don’t now. It is 110% okay to ask questions, and I don’t know any adoption professional that wouldn’t be receptive to answering questions.You may not always get the answers you are hoping for, but you don’t know if you don’t ask.

I also relied on someone else to help ask questions, my Mom. The first time I met with Mary, my Mom was there to make sure that I didn’t forget anything and to offer her insight and perspective. It’s so easy to get overwhelmed, there’s alot of emotions involved. It’s okay to ask a parent, close friend, etc. to be involved to make sure that you don’t forget anything.

Generally speaking there are also provisions made in most States for legal counsel to be provided for birthparents. I admit that I didn’t really take advantage of that, because even though the option was available to me – I felt comfortable with the adoption professionals I chose to work with. (I never, at any point in time, felt like anyone from the Attorney’s office to the actual Adoptive parents had anything but my best interests at heart.)

I guess all of that is the long drawn out way of saying the old adage is true – you can never ask a stupid question! So ask!

This week I want to do something different, a question was left for me on my FormSpring page and I dashed off a quick answer there but with further reflection I wanted to flush it out and share it here, in case it’s a question other people have, so here goes:

I’m curious if you and Beth discussed openness in the adoption plan. If so, how did you come to an agreement that you were both felt comfortable with?

When I decided I wanted to place my son for adoption, I did some research about adoption. I knew that there were options available to me that weren’t available to my birthmother when I was born. (Adoption has changed a good deal since the 70′s and there is room for the birth parents in their child’s life.) I knew I didn’t want a closed adoption – I didn’t just want to have my son and never know what happened to him, so a closed adoption was out. I also knew that I didn’t think I was strong enough to say good bye to my son over and over again, so a fully open adoption with visitation wasn’t really in the cards for me either. I wanted a semi-open adoption,  I wanted pictures and updates and in time, I want my son to decide if he wants to have a relationship with me.

What’s interesting is that when Beth and John put in their profile, they told the attorney’s office that they did not want an open adoption. They were told that it would really decrease the odds of them being selected by a birthmother as most birthmothers now want an open adoption agreement. However, they knew what they wanted and so they put in their profile and hoped for the best. I suppose this is where Mary really gets credit – she knew what I wanted and knew what Beth and John wanted, and sent their profile with the rest for me to review.

Beth did tell me the story about how people discouraged them from seeking a “semi-open” adoption and I really admired that she really wanted a baby, but not so badly that she was willing to compromise on what she wanted or needed in a birthmother relationship. I really believe that people who try to compromise their needs are often the ones that end up dissatisfied with their adoption arrangements. Beth and I did discuss that for the first few years of my Son’s life -  I would get updates every three or four months. (Those early months are the ones in which he went through changes so fast!) After that I would get updates twice a year, at Christmas and at his birthday. I knew exactly what I was getting going into our adoption agreement and I have never been disappointed.

If you have questions you can always email me  at DecidingForLife (at) gmail.com or ask them at http://www.formspring.me/decidingforlife – Formspring allows you to ask them anonymously.

I remember a string of emails that went back and forth between myself and Beth, that particular string stands out above all the others to me, because in them I gave her my (and Rob’s) “rap sheets.” I told her every genetic flaw, bad habit, potential pitfall, that I thought my son could ever face. I was scared that Beth was going to change her mind and not want to risk opening her heart to a child that could be less than perfect, but she thoughtfully and lovingly put my mind at ease. In retrospect I suppose it seems kind of silly, there are people who open their homes and hearts to all sorts of imperfect children, and I was worried that asthma and cat allergies were going to be the straw that broke the camel’s back and send Beth packing. As a Birthmother that was my worst nightmare.

Those emails have been on my mind alot lately, especially in the face of the Mother in Tennessee who put her Russian “son” on a plane back to Russia alone. She packed a bag, arranged for car service in Russia, and pinned a note explaining that she was returning him and an international incident exploded, Russian adoptions between the US are still “suspended.” I have to admit that what I’ve read about this story has caused me to shed many tears, and think back on old, unfounded, fears.

I don’t have any first hand experience with the adoptive parents side of things, and now I’m wondering – are there support systems for adoptive parents? Places that people can go or turn to if they feel like they’re in over their head? Do adoptive parents get over their head? Sometimes do adoptive parents have no choice but to give the child back?

I have a cousin with two daughters from China and she seems to have a thriving support system. There’s a network of other families with babies adopted from China and apparently there are some Chinese people that are even teaching her daughters about the language and custom of their homeland. Her daughters are beautiful, bright, and seem very happy. I have a friend who has a son with Down’s Syndrome and I know that she is part of a support group that she feels is indispensable. Is it just in the area of Russian adoption that there’s a big hole for providing support for adoptive parents? Or is this not even a real issue? Was this particular instance just a fluke?

As an adoptee, there was no adoption ceremony for my Birthmother. I was born and a few days later I went home with my Dad (who had jumped on a plane to come and get me). I doubt there was such a thing as adoption ceremony then – I believe the attitude was more one of getting the newborn out of the room and away from the Birthmother ASAP to avoid any bonding that might make it harder on the Birthmother. (I’m not saying I agree with this, I’m just saying from what I’ve gathered that was kind of how these things went.)

As a Birthmother, there was no adoption ceremony. My experience was much different than the one my birthmother had, but I must admit that such a thing as an adoption ceremony never really crossed my mind.

When I watched Lori’s episode of 16 and Pregnant, I was fascinated by the adoption ceremony that the adoptive parents held after Aidan was born. I feel like there was a chunk that we didn’t get to see, because frankly I found the back and forth with the roses to be kind of confusing.

I wonder if the adoption ceremony offers peace of mind or gives the birthmother a sense of closure? What do you think is it something that we should be seeing happen more often?

The jury is still out for me my friends but I look forward to your insight and possibly experience.