Archive for the ‘Tuesday Topics’ Category

Adoption can be such a polarizing issue, because there are children and strong feelings involved. (I mean really can anyone argue that the feelings that a mother has for a child are some of the strongest emotional bonds out there?)

I have often felt frustrated by adoption communities I’ve joined online because of some very vocal members at either end of the spectrum – the people who have been hurt by the adoption process and the people who think adoption is great and anyone who says otherwise is a bunch of whiners. (Please note, I am not referring to ALL people in adoption communities just the people who are so strong in their conviction that they need to make their conviction yours as well.)

I joined adoption communities because I wanted to chat with other people who had been where I’ve been. I wanted friends who understood that even though I am comfortable and confident in being an adoptee I still laugh at some of the quirky behavior I exhibit, and I wondered if anyone else shared those quirks. Instead “Camp Get Over It” tried to recruit me to their side – “see you were adopted and you’re fine, tell these people to be fine too.” In the meantime  the people who had been hurt tried to tell me I was in denial and one day, when I got in touch with my real feelings, and I was going to be devastated. Needless to say my membership in these online communities was short lived.

I just wanted to know if anyone else out there who was adopted decided that since their heritage was unknown they would celebrate all heritages. (Seriously I’ve enjoyed going to St.Patrick’s Day parades, St.Joesph’s Day Alters, and Greekfest is something I never miss – I’m not sure if this is a result of being fascinated by people who are still so in touch with their “roots” or because I really enjoy a good party and a good meal!) Did anyone else share a giggle with their adoptive parents after a stranger commented on how much they look alike? These were the adoption issues on my plate and I admit that they are kind of trite in the face of the pain and heartache of some adoption experiences, but I hoped there were other people who shared my experience.

I am 100% okay with being adopted, my family was not perfect, but it was mine and my parents love me, flaws and all. For almost ten years my birthmother has been a part of my life, and our relationship is not perfect either – she lives out of the country and I am often a lazy correspondent and my natural dislike of talking on the phone isn’t very helpful but she loves me too. I have always had two mothers, now I am blessed to have them both in my life and I couldn’t be happier.

I mention all this not to downplay the serious effects that adoption can have, good or bad, but really because I want to hear what you have to say about any experience you have with adoption and I want you to know that if you were adopted and you are okay, you are still welcome to leave your comments too.

“Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, ‘What! You too? I thought I was the only one”
~C.S. Lewis

Marc Price as Skippy Handleman

As you know I am always interested about how adoption is portrayed in the media, and there’s a reason for my fascination. When I was a kid I was a HUGE fan of Family Ties and I will never forget when Skippy (the boy next door) discovered he was adopted. (Season 2, episode 19: Baby Boy Doe, it aired on 8 March 1984)

Keeping in mind I wasn’t 10 yet – I was really excited to find out Skippy was adopted too. However, at my tender age my excitement quickly turned to horror when Skippy finds his birth mother (alternately called his “natural” or “real” mother throughout the episode) and she rejects him. Okay this is a HUGE oversimplification of what happened but again at my age I saw Skippy’s birthmother get really upset when she found him and I remember thinking “wow, I guess I should never try to find my birthmother.”

Growing up it wasn’t just Skippy, though he was my earliest memory of adoption on television. When I got older Viki on Head of the Class and her teacher went to find her birthmother at Christmas time. (season 5, episode 15: Viki’s Torn Genes, it aired on 18 December 1990) I don’t think I saw the end of this one, ever – frankly at that point I wasn’t really watching the show very much and once her birthmother didn’t want to see her – I probably abandoned it for something else.

No fear, at some point I grew up to understand the subtitles of the episode of Family Ties that I didn’t understand when I was younger, but I always think back on that. It’s perfectly normal to look for people we identify with on television so what television portrays can really have a profound effect. I also wonder for people who had NO adoption experience what they take away from the way adoption is portrayed on television?

I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but Deciding for Life has been a work in progress. I’m always working on ways to change the site and make it a place where you, dear readers, feel free to voice your opinions as well. I noticed that the post about Sixteen and Pregnant’s Lori and Cory generated some really thought provoking discussion.

Here’s what I thought was great – it was NOT a big lovefest where everyone agreed with my opinions, but dissenting opinions were voiced respectfully. I learned some things. In fact, I went back and watched the episode again with new eyes thanks to things that you shared with me.

So on Tuesdays (starting tomorrow) I plan to introduce a topic and throw out my opinions and then ask you for your wit, wisdom, and experiences.