I know that I’ve gone back and forth on this, but my situation with Russ is no longer just a hypothetical situation – he asked me out (for Valentine’s Day no less) and I said yes. It didn’t happen completely out of the blue, he called me a few times and we talked on the phone like high schoolers! We talked about everything, our families, our hopes and dreams for the future, everything but the one thing I’m wondering if I should’ve brought up – the baby. I love talking to him and the more I talk to him the more I like him.

I’ve been full of doubt and concerns about this situation. Sometimes it seems unfair that while I am pregnant and my life is all about the baby, Rob has moved on with his love life, shouldn’t I get the same opportunity? Should the baby really keep me from going out on a date with this man that is funny, kind and caring – he’s educated, gainfully employed, and seems to have so many of the traits that I’m looking for in a life partner.

Ever my own worst enemy, I can’t help but look down the road and play “what if” which makes everything seem to take on new importance. What if we really hit it off, when do I tell him about the baby? What if we fall in love and he wants to keep BOTH of us, would I let that affect my adoption plan? What if I tell him about the baby and he runs screaming in the other direction – am I really ready to deal with that? I keep telling myself that all of this playing “what if” is really borrowing trouble from tomorrow, especially since those were all things that might never come to pass, but then in the back of my mind “what if” would whisper again. I know I’m being silly, I know that a new and handsome man is not really going to change anything in my life, let alone my adoption plan, but still my brain shifts through all the options. It’s my greatest strength and weakness all at the same time.

Beth and John have purchased plane tickets to come visit in a month! Her email bringing this news to me also brought about a minor panic attack on my part, what if they reject me? What if they meet me (and presumably Rob) and decide that they wouldn’t want any child that came from the two of us. My panic attack lead me to sit down and with tear filled eyes write a big email to Beth laying out any and all potential problems that this baby could’ve inherited from Rob and me. I started with the normal things like our cat allergies, but I delved into the more serious problems. My struggles with school which lead to being diagnosed with Dyslexia and Rob “allegedly” having ADD, the alcoholism that Rob’s family brings to the table. I shook every genetic skeleton I could think of out of the closet and laid them out on the table for Beth’s inspection.

The email I got back brought even more tears. Beth treated each of my confessions seriously, she did not just send me back a dismissive letter assuring me that they just wanted a baby and would love it. She told me that John doesn’t drink because alcoholism is prominent in his family and that they would make sure that the baby grew up as John did, knowing the dangers of alcohol. She treated each concern seriously and laid out a plan of attack for how she thought she would handle that situation if it happened, and after each fear had been addressed then she assured me that they already loved the baby and that nothing so trite as dyslexia or ADD would make them not love the baby.

Her email brought tears to my eyes but it also brought me peace of mind. My fears had been addressed and assuaged. Beth and John would love the baby, if it wasn’t pink and perfect forever – it was theirs and for them, that was more than enough.

You know that feeling, when you’re working on a puzzle and the pieces all start falling into place? That’s how life feels for me lately. Everything is happily clicking along. I had another doctor’s appointment and everything is right on track for where it should be. Work just feels better now that I know where Cathy is coming from and I know that ultimately I have her support in any decision I make. I’ve still been in contact with the greyhound adoption group here, I’m still gathering information. New relationships are getting stronger than they ever were before.

Beth and I have been emailing each almost daily and the more we talk the more I feel confident in the bond developing between us. I have to admit that the scary thing about this “semi-open” adoption is that once the baby is in their arms and the paperwork is signed, there is nothing to stop the adoptive parents from never contacting me again. I had a small nagging fear that once they have the baby, they’ll forget about me and before long the pictures would stop, but the more I communicate with Beth – the less likely that seems. I feel like she understands that I love the baby and she doesn’t seem to be intimidated by that love at all.

Another new relationship that seems to be getting more confusing instead of less, is my relationship with Russ. He asked for my phone number yesterday and I think he’s going to ask me out. I really like this guy, he seems funny and kind. I admit that I feel a little extra affection for me that he could meet me at a time in my life when I am putting on weight and sometimes when I see him I’ve been green around the gills and it doesn’t seem to phase him at all. However, I go back and forth on the issue – should I even be dating in my current state? I’m just not sure. I am sure that when he asked for my phone number so that he could “call me sometime” that it made me feel likely a giggly school girl.

The only negative thing I have to report is that after the Internet fiasco, I went to have sushi with some of the guys from work. I thought that as long as I stayed away from the raw stuff I would be okay. (“Morning” sickness seemed so far away lately!) I had a harmless little California roll and ended up in the bathroom, unable to keep it down. The guys looked stricken and promised no more sushi until after the baby, but it was my fault as much as it was theirs. Frankly if the worst thing that’s happened in the last week is that I discovered that I can’t eat any sushi (and frankly won’t even set foot in a sushi joint!) until after the baby – that’s hardly worth mentioning.

We had a rather difficult week at work, a substantial part of our business model is supported through our Internet business and for a day and a half our Internet went down. We have these mysterious tech guys who hang around, and at times it seems like they are nothing more than over paid children hanging out in the office, drinking coffee, shooting nerf guns across cluttered rooms at each other. However, I really got to see them swing into action when things went wrong. They worked around the clock until everything was back up and running.

It was because of the outage that I found myself in an unusual situation, there was hardly anyone in the office yesterday at the end of the day. Our sales guys was out beating the street, there was one designer left in the design room in the back, so Cathy, Kay, and I were sitting in the front office. The work day was done but we were collectively catching our breath after the craziness of the last few days. Normally one of the tech guys would be walking through to get more coffee or Larry, the sales guy, would be following after Cathy talking about paradigms and other things that tended to make me giggle a little bit. However, today there was just us – the women of our company.

I was sitting on the sofa and I was tired, bone tired. Kay, the receptionist/secretary, and I had been talking about nothing in particular when Cathy had walked in and joined us. A quiet settled over the three of us, it wasn’t an uncomfortable quiet, but clearly there was an elephant in the room. Cathy, always the leader, started things.

“Joy, I hope you aren’t upset at what I told you the other day,” she said “I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings. I really admire what you’re trying to do, I just think you don’t realize how much you’re going to love that baby. Once you have the baby, once you hold it in your arms, you just aren’t going to be able to just let it go.”

In my brain, I flipped through possible responses to this statement. I found none that seemed acceptable. I could tell her that she was wrong, she didn’t know me. I could tell her I already loved the baby and that was why I knew I had to follow through with my plan. I could give her a hundred reasons why I just knew in my heart of hearts that this was what I had to do to make sure that my baby had the life he/she deserved, with two stable parents who loved each other and could give the baby a secure home. I said none of that. Cathy was the mother of two beautiful girls that she loved very much.

“I guess we’ll see,” I said.

“I want you to know that if you change your mind, your family here will support you in any way we can.” she said.

Kay had been sitting quietly at her desk, Kay was always rather quiet and soft spoken, but when she spoke up I saw that color had spread across her cheeks.

“Well, I want you to know that you have my support now, and I am really proud of your decision.”

I had always liked Kay but she and I didn’t have much in the way of common ground. She was ten years older than me and lived at home with her parents that she took care of. When some of us went to the movies or dinner together, she always went home. I was never really clear if she had to go home or she preferred to go home, and it’s not really my nature to pry so I just left it alone. However, for her soft spoken demeanor this outpouring of support was unexpected and welcome. Cathy was surprised.

“I didn’t mean that I don’t support her now, I just wanted her to know that she has options.” Cathy said.

“I got pregnant, when I was in college,” Kay said softly, “and everyone kept reminding me that I had options, while they kept pushing me towards one option. The option that they thought was best.”

Kay turned her green eyes on me, they were shining with tears. “I’ve always wondered if the reason I’ve never found someone to share my life with is because I terminated that pregnancy. Maybe God is punishing me for being selfish.”

Tears welled in my eyes and I crossed to the room and I hugged her. We hugged and cried for several minutes, and Cathy stood by awkwardly her own eyes filled with tears.

“I got pregnant in high school, and I terminated it,” she said “I always wondered if that baby would’ve been the son that Chuck and I always wanted.”

Cathy had married her high school sweetheart, and it always seemed to me that they had the storybook life that you see in the movies. They met and fell in love as teenagers, they went on to college, then got married, have a house, two beautiful little girls, etc. etc.

My heart ached for them, for the babies that they lost, the punishment that they thought they had brought on themselves, and the pain that the loss obviously still held for them. We talked for a long time that evening, and long after the tears were dry the heartache lingered. I don’t believe that they were bring punished or kept from what they wanted because of decisions they made in the past, but what I believe is irrelevant, clearly that is what they believed and that made their choice so difficult to make peace with.

The conversation took me on an emotional roller coast, it left me exhausted, but at the end I was aware of two things – the first was that no matter what decision I made, there would be loss, doubt, and overwhelming emotions.  The second thing was that I was even more committed to my adoption plan, as if I even thought that was possible. (Can you go from 100% to 110%?) I knew that Cathy was right, I loved the baby now and I would love it even more when I could hold it in my arms and count the ten fingers and ten tiny little toes, but sometimes love is letting go. Sometimes you have to love someone enough to do the right thing, not the thing that feels right in that one tiny moment. Cathy was right, adoption was going to be hard, but knowing all the options I still couldn’t see changing my plan.

I have loved having Beth’s email address, we email back and forth several times a day. Through the emails I’ve been getting to know Beth better and the more I get to know her, the more I like her. Some of our emails are about the baby, my pregnancy and their plans for the future, but some of them are just emails about our lives. She’s working right now in retail, but she’ll be quitting to be a stay at home Mom when the baby comes. She asked about my job, what I like to do on my days off, if I go to the beach since I am so close. I feel like she’s interested in me, as a person, not just me as a human incubator for her future child. I can tell that we are still feeling each other out, trying not to say things that will upset the apple cart, but I feel like a solid foundation is being built. Beth and John are planning a visit to come down and meet us sometime in the next month or two.

I’ve always liked my quite, independent life, but lately I’m thinking that it might be time to let someone else in – I’ve been thinking about getting a dog. When I grew up, we always had dogs, and I think there’s a certain magic to the relationship between people and their four legged companions. One thing that has got in the way is that I prefer bigger dogs, and it seems like apartment dwelling dogs are always of the small variety. However, I took an online dog compatibility test and Greyhound came out at the top of the list. I had never really thought about getting a Greyhound, they are runners and I am not, but I emailed my local rescue group to get more information.

In other news, I’ve run into Russ a couple of times, and he always seems very happy to see me. We chat while we wait in line and when we part ways he always tells me to have a great day. He has this amazing bright smile and I have to admit that I’m developing quite a crush on him, but still I’m pregnant…am I allowed to have crushes? or go out on dates? I’m still not sure but right now I’m just enjoying that this handsome man seems to be interested in me.

I still have weirdness at work with Cathy, and I’m really sad about it. She seems to be keeping her distance from me, and she’s someone that was not just my boss but my mentor and my friend. I can’t imagine why she would be so disappointed or upset with me, but she certainly seems to be. I normally tend to confront problems straight on so I would normally confront her, but there is something about this pregnancy that makes me feel so vulnerable. I think there’s part of me that is genuinely afraid to find out what she might say if I pushed the issue.

The man who bought me my hot chocolate, his name was Russ and he is a flight student in the Navy. I know this now because I saw him in Circle K, and I smiled and said hello and thanked him for his generous gift. We talked for a few minutes and then we both had to head off to our perspective jobs. Russ makes me feel conflicted. He is handsome and generous, someone that in another time and a place I would love to go on a date with and I would be hopeful that a relationship would form, but can you date while you’re pregnant? I’m not sure, but as he hasn’t asked me out yet, I suppose that’s putting the cart before the horse.

With Rob back in town, Mary and I setup a phone call between us and Beth and John. I wanted to do it while he was still out of town, but he surprised me and said that he would like to be there. In an effort to show that I was willing to be accommodating I drove out to his house on the day of the call and they called us there.

It was a strange feeling, that feeling that this house that had been OUR house, was not mine anymore. It seemed a little surreal to be there as a visitor, but I was excited to talk to Beth and John so when the phone rang on schedule at 6:00 I could hardly keep myself from answering the phone like a breathless teenager.

“Hello?” I said, and for a split second I was filled with terror, what if this was Emily?

“Hello, is this Joy?” a woman’s voice said from the other end.

“Yes, yes it is!” I said excitedly.

“This is Beth,” the voice said.

“And John,” a male voice chimed in.

“This is Rob, the birthfather, I’m here too.” Rob said from the phone in the bedroom.

It is very hard for me to explain the connection that I felt to Beth and John from that very first phone call, but I felt an immediate connection. I felt a current of excitement between the three of us immediately. Beth and John started to ask questions about how I was feeling, what my likes and dislikes were now that I was pregnant. I told them about my recent cravings for Crab Rangoon, how during the really ferocious bouts of “morning” sickness my coworkers were bringing me french fries since they seemed to stay down better. I got a sense that Beth and John were happy that I had people in my corner. I told them about feeling the baby, and I could tell they were as excited as I was! I asked about what they do for a living, what preparations they had made, and without me asking they told me about the journey that brought them to adoption.

Rob stayed quiet during the first excited exchanges and then he cleared his throat and said “I have some questions I would like to ask.”

Hmmm, this was news to me.

“What religion are you people?” Rob said.

“We’re Catholic,” John said.

“I guess that’s okay, I wouldn’t want to give my baby to a Satanist or anything” He said.

Nervous laughter erupted from me, and I could tell it sounded off, but frankly, this was as unexpected to me as it probably was to Beth and John.

“I’m Mormon, so Religion is very important to me.” Rob announced.

In truth, Rob was raised Seventh Day Adventist and in college became LDS when he met his wife, well now ex-wife. He was a non-practicing LDS, early on in our relationship I had helped him burn his garments and other things that he was not allowed to wear because of his current Church status. I was a Christian Mutt, raised Episcopal, went to a Catholic School, and attending a Methodist Church – never during the course of our relationship was religion ever an issue – I was shocked to hear it was an issue today.

Rob asked more questions about their educational backgrounds, their relationship, and their family medical history. At this point the Rob was asking questions and John was answering them and I felt like a tub of cold water had been thrown on me. I knew about their education backgrounds and their relationship, all of the questions that Rob asked were in their profile. I also though asking about their medical histories was kind of funny because that was really something we brought to the table more than the adoptive parents.

Finally, Rob seemed out of questions and there was a pause.

“Would you like to exchange email addresses?” Beth asked softly.

“No thanks, have a good evening,” Rob said and hung up.

“I would!” I said at the same time, and then repeated it after Rob hung up, “I would really like that Beth.”

So we exchanged email addresses and said our good-byes. I hung up the phone feeling happy and hopeful.

I left Rob’s house that night a few minutes later. I had nothing to say about his interrogation, because I tried to remind myself that what we needed to feel confident in our decision was different and as long as he felt comfortable and at ease with our decision, it should ultimately make the whole process easier on all parties involved and who was I to say what should be important to him in this process?