Posts Tagged ‘Adoptive Parents’

I remember a string of emails that went back and forth between myself and Beth, that particular string stands out above all the others to me, because in them I gave her my (and Rob’s) “rap sheets.” I told her every genetic flaw, bad habit, potential pitfall, that I thought my son could ever face. I was scared that Beth was going to change her mind and not want to risk opening her heart to a child that could be less than perfect, but she thoughtfully and lovingly put my mind at ease. In retrospect I suppose it seems kind of silly, there are people who open their homes and hearts to all sorts of imperfect children, and I was worried that asthma and cat allergies were going to be the straw that broke the camel’s back and send Beth packing. As a Birthmother that was my worst nightmare.

Those emails have been on my mind alot lately, especially in the face of the Mother in Tennessee who put her Russian “son” on a plane back to Russia alone. She packed a bag, arranged for car service in Russia, and pinned a note explaining that she was returning him and an international incident exploded, Russian adoptions between the US are still “suspended.” I have to admit that what I’ve read about this story has caused me to shed many tears, and think back on old, unfounded, fears.

I don’t have any first hand experience with the adoptive parents side of things, and now I’m wondering – are there support systems for adoptive parents? Places that people can go or turn to if they feel like they’re in over their head? Do adoptive parents get over their head? Sometimes do adoptive parents have no choice but to give the child back?

I have a cousin with two daughters from China and she seems to have a thriving support system. There’s a network of other families with babies adopted from China and apparently there are some Chinese people that are even teaching her daughters about the language and custom of their homeland. Her daughters are beautiful, bright, and seem very happy. I have a friend who has a son with Down’s Syndrome and I know that she is part of a support group that she feels is indispensable. Is it just in the area of Russian adoption that there’s a big hole for providing support for adoptive parents? Or is this not even a real issue? Was this particular instance just a fluke?

I am pleased to report that for the time being, Rob and I have called a truce. He still thinks I should not be dating and still feels like it’s okay for him to have opinions about my personal life, I admit that I agree that dating is not a good idea right now, but I resent him trying to tell me what I can and can’t do. He’s not in my personal life anymore, so as far as I’m concerned he doesn’t get a vote. The truce has been called because Beth and John are coming to meet us.

Beth and I have been emailing back and forth, and right up until the morning that we were actually going to meet I was purely excited, but at the last minute nerves kicked in. I started running through “what if’s”  – What if they don’t like me? What if they see the strained relationship between myself and Rob and it scares them off?  What if… I don’t know I had about a dozen fears that ran through my mind over and over again and they all lead to me and the baby being rejected by Beth and John.  I had worked myself into quite a state,  and then standing at the hostess stand I saw them and all the “what if’s” went away.

There is a connection between birth parents and adoptive parents that it so hard to put into words. From the moment I first held that profile in my hands and looked at the pictures I felt a connection with Beth and John, that connection had been getting stronger through the phone call and the many many emails that we had exchanged, so meeting Beth and John in person was like meeting friends. We smiled awkwardly for a minute but almost immediately the awkwardness dissolved and we were hugging and Beth and I were laughing about how nervous we had both been.

The three of us were seated (Rob was meeting us there and apparently running late) and Beth and John gave me a gift – a picture frame with paw prints for a picture of Ben and a squeaky bone! I was touched by their thoughtfulness. We talked about the baby, they asked how I was feeling. I told them about the napping, the strange cravings, the “morning sickness” – some of it was stories that I had told Beth in email, but of course in person the stories are much funnier. Rob joined us while we were talking, and they asked him about his job, where he grew up, etc. We were all talking, trading stories about how we met, talking about things we liked and things we don’t like. It was so much fun!

It was a long lingering lunch, and at the end Beth asked if she could take a picture of Rob and I together and I was proud that Rob and I managed to graciously sit next to each other and smile for the camera.

As we parted ways, I thought about how lucky I was to have Beth and John in my life, how much peace of mind that they gave me. I knew that the baby would be safe and happy in their arms, loved unconditionally. They gave me strength. What an incredible blessing!

I know that I’ve gone back and forth on this, but my situation with Russ is no longer just a hypothetical situation – he asked me out (for Valentine’s Day no less) and I said yes. It didn’t happen completely out of the blue, he called me a few times and we talked on the phone like high schoolers! We talked about everything, our families, our hopes and dreams for the future, everything but the one thing I’m wondering if I should’ve brought up – the baby. I love talking to him and the more I talk to him the more I like him.

I’ve been full of doubt and concerns about this situation. Sometimes it seems unfair that while I am pregnant and my life is all about the baby, Rob has moved on with his love life, shouldn’t I get the same opportunity? Should the baby really keep me from going out on a date with this man that is funny, kind and caring – he’s educated, gainfully employed, and seems to have so many of the traits that I’m looking for in a life partner.

Ever my own worst enemy, I can’t help but look down the road and play “what if” which makes everything seem to take on new importance. What if we really hit it off, when do I tell him about the baby? What if we fall in love and he wants to keep BOTH of us, would I let that affect my adoption plan? What if I tell him about the baby and he runs screaming in the other direction – am I really ready to deal with that? I keep telling myself that all of this playing “what if” is really borrowing trouble from tomorrow, especially since those were all things that might never come to pass, but then in the back of my mind “what if” would whisper again. I know I’m being silly, I know that a new and handsome man is not really going to change anything in my life, let alone my adoption plan, but still my brain shifts through all the options. It’s my greatest strength and weakness all at the same time.

Beth and John have purchased plane tickets to come visit in a month! Her email bringing this news to me also brought about a minor panic attack on my part, what if they reject me? What if they meet me (and presumably Rob) and decide that they wouldn’t want any child that came from the two of us. My panic attack lead me to sit down and with tear filled eyes write a big email to Beth laying out any and all potential problems that this baby could’ve inherited from Rob and me. I started with the normal things like our cat allergies, but I delved into the more serious problems. My struggles with school which lead to being diagnosed with Dyslexia and Rob “allegedly” having ADD, the alcoholism that Rob’s family brings to the table. I shook every genetic skeleton I could think of out of the closet and laid them out on the table for Beth’s inspection.

The email I got back brought even more tears. Beth treated each of my confessions seriously, she did not just send me back a dismissive letter assuring me that they just wanted a baby and would love it. She told me that John doesn’t drink because alcoholism is prominent in his family and that they would make sure that the baby grew up as John did, knowing the dangers of alcohol. She treated each concern seriously and laid out a plan of attack for how she thought she would handle that situation if it happened, and after each fear had been addressed then she assured me that they already loved the baby and that nothing so trite as dyslexia or ADD would make them not love the baby.

Her email brought tears to my eyes but it also brought me peace of mind. My fears had been addressed and assuaged. Beth and John would love the baby, if it wasn’t pink and perfect forever – it was theirs and for them, that was more than enough.

You know that feeling, when you’re working on a puzzle and the pieces all start falling into place? That’s how life feels for me lately. Everything is happily clicking along. I had another doctor’s appointment and everything is right on track for where it should be. Work just feels better now that I know where Cathy is coming from and I know that ultimately I have her support in any decision I make. I’ve still been in contact with the greyhound adoption group here, I’m still gathering information. New relationships are getting stronger than they ever were before.

Beth and I have been emailing each almost daily and the more we talk the more I feel confident in the bond developing between us. I have to admit that the scary thing about this “semi-open” adoption is that once the baby is in their arms and the paperwork is signed, there is nothing to stop the adoptive parents from never contacting me again. I had a small nagging fear that once they have the baby, they’ll forget about me and before long the pictures would stop, but the more I communicate with Beth – the less likely that seems. I feel like she understands that I love the baby and she doesn’t seem to be intimidated by that love at all.

Another new relationship that seems to be getting more confusing instead of less, is my relationship with Russ. He asked for my phone number yesterday and I think he’s going to ask me out. I really like this guy, he seems funny and kind. I admit that I feel a little extra affection for me that he could meet me at a time in my life when I am putting on weight and sometimes when I see him I’ve been green around the gills and it doesn’t seem to phase him at all. However, I go back and forth on the issue – should I even be dating in my current state? I’m just not sure. I am sure that when he asked for my phone number so that he could “call me sometime” that it made me feel likely a giggly school girl.

The only negative thing I have to report is that after the Internet fiasco, I went to have sushi with some of the guys from work. I thought that as long as I stayed away from the raw stuff I would be okay. (“Morning” sickness seemed so far away lately!) I had a harmless little California roll and ended up in the bathroom, unable to keep it down. The guys looked stricken and promised no more sushi until after the baby, but it was my fault as much as it was theirs. Frankly if the worst thing that’s happened in the last week is that I discovered that I can’t eat any sushi (and frankly won’t even set foot in a sushi joint!) until after the baby – that’s hardly worth mentioning.

I have loved having Beth’s email address, we email back and forth several times a day. Through the emails I’ve been getting to know Beth better and the more I get to know her, the more I like her. Some of our emails are about the baby, my pregnancy and their plans for the future, but some of them are just emails about our lives. She’s working right now in retail, but she’ll be quitting to be a stay at home Mom when the baby comes. She asked about my job, what I like to do on my days off, if I go to the beach since I am so close. I feel like she’s interested in me, as a person, not just me as a human incubator for her future child. I can tell that we are still feeling each other out, trying not to say things that will upset the apple cart, but I feel like a solid foundation is being built. Beth and John are planning a visit to come down and meet us sometime in the next month or two.

I’ve always liked my quite, independent life, but lately I’m thinking that it might be time to let someone else in – I’ve been thinking about getting a dog. When I grew up, we always had dogs, and I think there’s a certain magic to the relationship between people and their four legged companions. One thing that has got in the way is that I prefer bigger dogs, and it seems like apartment dwelling dogs are always of the small variety. However, I took an online dog compatibility test and Greyhound came out at the top of the list. I had never really thought about getting a Greyhound, they are runners and I am not, but I emailed my local rescue group to get more information.

In other news, I’ve run into Russ a couple of times, and he always seems very happy to see me. We chat while we wait in line and when we part ways he always tells me to have a great day. He has this amazing bright smile and I have to admit that I’m developing quite a crush on him, but still I’m pregnant…am I allowed to have crushes? or go out on dates? I’m still not sure but right now I’m just enjoying that this handsome man seems to be interested in me.

I still have weirdness at work with Cathy, and I’m really sad about it. She seems to be keeping her distance from me, and she’s someone that was not just my boss but my mentor and my friend. I can’t imagine why she would be so disappointed or upset with me, but she certainly seems to be. I normally tend to confront problems straight on so I would normally confront her, but there is something about this pregnancy that makes me feel so vulnerable. I think there’s part of me that is genuinely afraid to find out what she might say if I pushed the issue.