Posts Tagged ‘Birthmother’

I am pleased to report that for the time being, Rob and I have called a truce. He still thinks I should not be dating and still feels like it’s okay for him to have opinions about my personal life, I admit that I agree that dating is not a good idea right now, but I resent him trying to tell me what I can and can’t do. He’s not in my personal life anymore, so as far as I’m concerned he doesn’t get a vote. The truce has been called because Beth and John are coming to meet us.

Beth and I have been emailing back and forth, and right up until the morning that we were actually going to meet I was purely excited, but at the last minute nerves kicked in. I started running through “what if’s”  – What if they don’t like me? What if they see the strained relationship between myself and Rob and it scares them off?  What if… I don’t know I had about a dozen fears that ran through my mind over and over again and they all lead to me and the baby being rejected by Beth and John.  I had worked myself into quite a state,  and then standing at the hostess stand I saw them and all the “what if’s” went away.

There is a connection between birth parents and adoptive parents that it so hard to put into words. From the moment I first held that profile in my hands and looked at the pictures I felt a connection with Beth and John, that connection had been getting stronger through the phone call and the many many emails that we had exchanged, so meeting Beth and John in person was like meeting friends. We smiled awkwardly for a minute but almost immediately the awkwardness dissolved and we were hugging and Beth and I were laughing about how nervous we had both been.

The three of us were seated (Rob was meeting us there and apparently running late) and Beth and John gave me a gift – a picture frame with paw prints for a picture of Ben and a squeaky bone! I was touched by their thoughtfulness. We talked about the baby, they asked how I was feeling. I told them about the napping, the strange cravings, the “morning sickness” – some of it was stories that I had told Beth in email, but of course in person the stories are much funnier. Rob joined us while we were talking, and they asked him about his job, where he grew up, etc. We were all talking, trading stories about how we met, talking about things we liked and things we don’t like. It was so much fun!

It was a long lingering lunch, and at the end Beth asked if she could take a picture of Rob and I together and I was proud that Rob and I managed to graciously sit next to each other and smile for the camera.

As we parted ways, I thought about how lucky I was to have Beth and John in my life, how much peace of mind that they gave me. I knew that the baby would be safe and happy in their arms, loved unconditionally. They gave me strength. What an incredible blessing!

Ben and I are getting to know each other. I can’t say yet that he seems completely happy and adjusted to his new life but he seems less sad. He is still pining for his other family, not showing too much interest in food. I learned that if I gave him a few pieces of food, the same way I give him treats, from my hand he would eat the eagerly enough, so I started by feeding him by hand for the first few days. Now I have him eating from his bowl, as long as I sit next to him while he eats. I’m happy to see him eating and I’ll be thrilled when I can see less of his ribs, but it makes me a little sad to think of what his family did to get him to this state.

Russ came over to meet Ben, and declared him to be a good dog. I thought Russ was being quite generous since Ben seemed relatively unimpressed by Russ, preferring instead to stay seated on his big pillow watching cautiously. (Though Ben did seem to warm when Russ sat next to him and started to pet him.)

“Joy, do you remember that man you were talking to at the bar on our date?” he asked, looking intently at Ben, which made something in my stomach drop.

“Yes,” I said bracing myself.

“So you know that he’s an instructor at the base?”

“Of course, my ex is also an instructor,” I said “Russ, I think you’re getting ready to tell me something you’re scared that I’m not going to like, but you can tell me. I’m little but I’m scrappy.”

“Your ex, Rob, he’s been telling people about the decision you guys made. Everyone at his squadron knows, and so of course it’s drifting over into my squadron too.”

“Oh,” I said, but I knew that. On some level the minute the familiar face approached me at the restaurant I knew that everyone knew. My cheeks felt hot with embarrassment.

“I guess I really need to talk to Rob, don’t I?” I said, smiling weakly.

“It would probably be a good idea. You know, better to grab the bull by the horns?” he said, patting Ben and standing up.

“Sure,” I agreed and I hugged Russ good bye, and tried to determine the best way to approach Rob about all of this.

Rob called the very next day and asked if he could stop by to meet Ben after he got together with his friends for their weekly basketball game in the park. I told him he was more than welcome, and then I fretted and worried about how to gently approach the subject of the broken promise to Rob.

Rob was in my apartment for about fifteen minutes extolling the virtues of my decision to get a dog, all the health benefits, the mental health benefits, etc. etc. before I gestured to the sofa asking him to sit down.

“Rob, when we talked about this baby, we agreed to a few small things to try to eliminate any excessive amount of stress, do you remember that?”

Rob exhaled sharply, “who told you?”

“Who told me isn’t really the issue,” I started but he cut me off.

“Look Emily is my girlfriend and this pregnancy situation is very difficult for her, so next month she’s coming to stay for two weeks and really that seems like the least I can do for her.”

“Oh,” I said weakly, “that wasn’t really what I was talking about.”

Emotions flashed through me, hurt, anger, sadness, confusion and back to hurt. The emotions were coming so fast and that I burst into tears. Rob looked suspicious.

“I wasn’t talking about Emily,”  I said as I got control over my emotions and his look changed from suspicion to confusion, “I was talking about the fact that half of the base seems to know that I’m pregnant and that ‘we’ decided on an adoption plan.”

“Oh that,” he said.

“Yes that.” I said, tears spent, anger was starting to become the dominant emotion.

“Well I just told Tex, and he told someone else, and they told someone else, and you know how these things go.”  He said dismissively.

“Yes, I do know how these things go, which is why we agreed that you weren’t going to talk about it with people from the base,” I said coldly, “do you know how embarrassed I was when I was approached on my date by someone telling me they knew all about such personal details about my life?”

“You had a date?” he asked.

“That’s not really the point,” I said.

“I think it is,” he said starting to sound angry which made me the confused one, “you shouldn’t be dating while you’re pregnant!”

“I won’t date while I’m pregnant if you don’t date while I’m pregnant,” I said with a chuckle.

“I can tell you this, my ex-wife didn’t date while she was pregnant.” He said indignantly and I burst out laughing.

“Well I should hope not, I believe she was married to you while she was pregnant.” I said, still laughing.

“Joy, this isn’t funny, you need to be home taking care of yourself and the baby. You don’t need to be out on the town.”

“I think you need to leave,” I said feeling the laughter fade and the anger flashing back with a vengeance.

“I am not going to leave until we resolve this,” he said stubbornly.

“There is nothing to resolve. I am pregnant and I am doing everything within my power to make sure that the baby has what it needs to happy and healthy, but I have a life, one that I hope to get back to when this is all over, and one that you seem hell bent on ruining. What do you think is worse for my health and the health of the baby – having a nice man take me out to dinner for Valentine’s day or knowing that for the next few years whenever I encounter your instructor friends they will be thinking of me as ‘the girl you knocked up who then gave her baby away’?”

“I don’t think it’s appropriate,” he started again, but I cut him off.

“Well, that’s funny because a couple of months ago you were the one who thought it wasn’t appropriate to have Emily come visit while I was pregnant and might need you for ‘moral support’ but you’ve proven to be pretty flexible on what’s appropriate and what’s not.”

He glared at me and stomped out of my apartment , slamming the door behind him so hard that my whole little world seemed to rattle.

“And this is exactly why we couldn’t keep the baby, and try to co-parent it,” I said outloud to no one in particular, but Ben’s wise eyes seemed to agree with me.

In the interest of full disclosure, I’m going to go ahead and tell you that the date with Russ was almost over before it even began. I had a fashion crisis going through my closet, which is highly unusual for me. Nothing seemed to fit or fit right, and the maternity clothes that I knew would fit made me look pregnant (something I didn’t want Russ to figure out on his own – I wanted to tell him first). After my fashion meltdown, that did involve me in a puddle on the ground crying, I found a lovely nondescript charcoal gray dress to wear. It was loose in all the right places and yet I still felt good in it, so I was able to pull myself together. In fact by the time Russ got there I was feeling pretty good about myself.

Russ was wearing a navy blue suit, he looked so handsome that it took my breath away. His eyes were sparkling and his smile was so bright when he looked at me, that I blushed. I was touched when he offered me his arm and escorted me to the car, opening my door for me and everything! (I couldn’t help but think how pleased my parents would be at those gestures.)

“I hope you’re hungry,” Russ said as he slid behind the steering wheel.

“I could eat,” I said smiling at him, but I silently prayed that he wasn’t planning on taking me out for sushi.

Russ and I talked the whole way to the restaurant, in fact I was so engrossed in the conversation that I didn’t notice where we were going, so when I realized we were in front of one of the nicest restaurants in town (well definitely the one with the nicest view) I was surprised and excited! I had been there several times with my family but never on a date before.

Nancy’s Restaurant on the Bay had a reputation for wonderful food, excellent service, and a beautiful setting and for Valentine’s day they pulled out all the stops. As Russ and I walked in the door, I was handed a red rose, which I guess could’ve seemed cheesy but somehow it added to the magic. Ever, the gentlman, Russ seated me at the bar and after we ordered drinks (a diet coke for him and a ginger ale for me to try to make sure my stomach behaved itself) he went to check on our reservations.

I was sitting at the bar, marveling that I had never seen Nancy’s so crowded before when I heard a voice call out to me.

“Joy, I knew that was you,” a tall lanky man said as he patted me on the back.

I recognized his face as someone that worked with Rob, but I couldn’t remember his name. I smiled at him, while I looked past him for some sign that Russ was coming back. I didn’t want Russ to think I was trying to pick up some random guy on our date.

“Joy, I just wanted you to know that Rob told me about your situation and the decision that you guys made, and I want you to know that I’m really impressed,” them man said which immediately focused my attention back on him.

I felt like a glass of ice water had just been poured down my back, “I’m sorry, what did you say?” I asked.

“Rob told us about the baby and the adoption and everything, and I think it’s really admirable what you guys have decided.”

Everything seemed to start spinning, isn’t this exactly one of the things Rob and I agreed that he was not going to do? Isn’t this exactly the reason why?

“I, um” I couldn’t think of anything to say, and I felt my face flush and my eyes dangerously close to filling up with tears. Then to add to my stress I saw Russ looking at me, smiling while he made his way across the room towards me.

Rob’s friend saw where I was looking and still completely oblivious to the shock and upset that he caused he smiled at me, “well I can see that you have plans for dinner, I just wanted to tell you how great I think what you’re doing is,” and with that he disappeared into the throng of people waiting for their tables.

“Everything Russ okay?” Russ said as he took his seat next to mine.

“Absolutely,” I said, trying to sound more confident than I felt, “that was a friend on my ex-boyfriends.”

“Ah,” Russ said and he smiled reassuringly at me, and for the time being that friendly reassuring smile seemed to make everything else fade away.

Russ had the best laugh, it lit up his whole face and brightened his eyes. I found myself trying to think of the funniest stories I had just to see the way his eyes lit up when he laughed. I told him about the guys I worked with, he said I sounded like a proud Mother Hen, which made me blush.

It was a wonderful date, and Nancy’s lived up to it’s reputation. The food was amazing, we split the crab cake appetizer, I had a fish with artichokes and balsamic vinegar and Russ had steak. The server was silently attentive, always sliding in to refill glasses but never intruding on conversation. The conversation was great, we talked and laughed, the stars twinkled over the view of the bay, and everything seemed perfect and then it hit.

The check had been paid, we were sitting there talking, when I started to feel green around the gills. I guess I really hadn’t eaten anything as acidic as the Balsamic Vinegar that had been on the fish, and my stomach was not impressed.

“Oh please, no, not here,” I silently prayed.

The lull in our conversation brought Russ to his feet, “shall we go?”

“Yes,” I said, smiling tentatively, still praying inwardly that I was not going to be sick.

As we were driving back to my apartment, I was still praying and still fighting against the waves of nausea. If I could just make it inside my own apartment to be sick in the privacy of my own bathroom, everything would be okay.

“Hey, let’s get ice cream,” Russ said excitedly, turning into the Circle K where we met.

“Sure,” I said trying to smile brightly at him, I wondered if I looked as green as I felt, silently, inwardly praying not to be sick and ruin this date.

We ventured into Circle K, where he got a drumstick and I got an orange sherbet push-up pop. He was grinning like a kid as he started his drumstick while we drove on to my apartment. We talked a little but he was preoccupied with his ice cream and I was preoccupied trying to keep from being sick.

Ever the gentleman, Russ walked me to the door, he was saying all the right things to assure me that this had been a good date, indicating he would like to see me again soon. I smiled and told him how nice that would be, and then after unlocking my door, I turned and gave him a big hug and I dashed inside.

I just barely made it to the bathroom, where I was sick, sick like I hadn’t been since early on in my pregnancy. Clearly fish and Balsamic vinegar were not a good mix for me while I was pregnant. I had just brushed my teeth, splashed some cold water on my face, and come back into the living room. I was trying to decide how badly I had mucked up the end of the date, and while I was standing there I heard a surprising noise outside my door.

“Um, Joy,” a voice said, followed by a soft knock.

I opened the door and there was Russ, covered in ice cream that had leaked out from the bottom of his drumstick. There were so many thoughts running through my head that I couldn’t get a handle on them, I opened the door invited him in and then I burst into tears.

“Joy, what’s wrong?” Russ said, looking alarmed.

I went into the kitchen and grabbed him some paper towels and tried to get ahold of myself. Russ followed right behind me, still looking alarmed but looking like he felt helpless covered in ice cream.

“Russ, there’s something I have to tell you,” I said and the words came out in a rush, “I’m pregnant, and maybe I should’ve told you alraedy, but I liked you so much and I didn’t want to ruin everything but now you took me out on this wonderful date, and I ruined it by getting sick and leaving you on the front porch covered in ice cream. I’m so sorry.”

The words all ran together and at the end, the tears were sliding down my face, and Russ walked over to my sink where he dropped the drumstick, he wiped his hands clean, and then he gave me a hug. We stood there for a long moment, me crying and him holding me in his tight grasp. I couldn’t believe how could it felt just to be hugged. I hadn’t realized how long it had been since I had been hugged.

“Not a great time to start dating?” he asked.

“Probably not,” I agreed.

“But maybe a good time for new friends?”

“That would be nice,” I agreed, and with that our date, and any thoughts of dating while I was pregnant were over.

While Russ didn’t run screaming from my apartment, a few minutes later, I was curled up in bed thinking that for now dating was just not for me. However, I was at peace with my decision. I filed it under “lessons learned” and at least I had a new friend and Russ had not run screaming from the apartment. That was something.

I know that I’ve gone back and forth on this, but my situation with Russ is no longer just a hypothetical situation – he asked me out (for Valentine’s Day no less) and I said yes. It didn’t happen completely out of the blue, he called me a few times and we talked on the phone like high schoolers! We talked about everything, our families, our hopes and dreams for the future, everything but the one thing I’m wondering if I should’ve brought up – the baby. I love talking to him and the more I talk to him the more I like him.

I’ve been full of doubt and concerns about this situation. Sometimes it seems unfair that while I am pregnant and my life is all about the baby, Rob has moved on with his love life, shouldn’t I get the same opportunity? Should the baby really keep me from going out on a date with this man that is funny, kind and caring – he’s educated, gainfully employed, and seems to have so many of the traits that I’m looking for in a life partner.

Ever my own worst enemy, I can’t help but look down the road and play “what if” which makes everything seem to take on new importance. What if we really hit it off, when do I tell him about the baby? What if we fall in love and he wants to keep BOTH of us, would I let that affect my adoption plan? What if I tell him about the baby and he runs screaming in the other direction – am I really ready to deal with that? I keep telling myself that all of this playing “what if” is really borrowing trouble from tomorrow, especially since those were all things that might never come to pass, but then in the back of my mind “what if” would whisper again. I know I’m being silly, I know that a new and handsome man is not really going to change anything in my life, let alone my adoption plan, but still my brain shifts through all the options. It’s my greatest strength and weakness all at the same time.

Beth and John have purchased plane tickets to come visit in a month! Her email bringing this news to me also brought about a minor panic attack on my part, what if they reject me? What if they meet me (and presumably Rob) and decide that they wouldn’t want any child that came from the two of us. My panic attack lead me to sit down and with tear filled eyes write a big email to Beth laying out any and all potential problems that this baby could’ve inherited from Rob and me. I started with the normal things like our cat allergies, but I delved into the more serious problems. My struggles with school which lead to being diagnosed with Dyslexia and Rob “allegedly” having ADD, the alcoholism that Rob’s family brings to the table. I shook every genetic skeleton I could think of out of the closet and laid them out on the table for Beth’s inspection.

The email I got back brought even more tears. Beth treated each of my confessions seriously, she did not just send me back a dismissive letter assuring me that they just wanted a baby and would love it. She told me that John doesn’t drink because alcoholism is prominent in his family and that they would make sure that the baby grew up as John did, knowing the dangers of alcohol. She treated each concern seriously and laid out a plan of attack for how she thought she would handle that situation if it happened, and after each fear had been addressed then she assured me that they already loved the baby and that nothing so trite as dyslexia or ADD would make them not love the baby.

Her email brought tears to my eyes but it also brought me peace of mind. My fears had been addressed and assuaged. Beth and John would love the baby, if it wasn’t pink and perfect forever – it was theirs and for them, that was more than enough.

We had a rather difficult week at work, a substantial part of our business model is supported through our Internet business and for a day and a half our Internet went down. We have these mysterious tech guys who hang around, and at times it seems like they are nothing more than over paid children hanging out in the office, drinking coffee, shooting nerf guns across cluttered rooms at each other. However, I really got to see them swing into action when things went wrong. They worked around the clock until everything was back up and running.

It was because of the outage that I found myself in an unusual situation, there was hardly anyone in the office yesterday at the end of the day. Our sales guys was out beating the street, there was one designer left in the design room in the back, so Cathy, Kay, and I were sitting in the front office. The work day was done but we were collectively catching our breath after the craziness of the last few days. Normally one of the tech guys would be walking through to get more coffee or Larry, the sales guy, would be following after Cathy talking about paradigms and other things that tended to make me giggle a little bit. However, today there was just us – the women of our company.

I was sitting on the sofa and I was tired, bone tired. Kay, the receptionist/secretary, and I had been talking about nothing in particular when Cathy had walked in and joined us. A quiet settled over the three of us, it wasn’t an uncomfortable quiet, but clearly there was an elephant in the room. Cathy, always the leader, started things.

“Joy, I hope you aren’t upset at what I told you the other day,” she said “I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings. I really admire what you’re trying to do, I just think you don’t realize how much you’re going to love that baby. Once you have the baby, once you hold it in your arms, you just aren’t going to be able to just let it go.”

In my brain, I flipped through possible responses to this statement. I found none that seemed acceptable. I could tell her that she was wrong, she didn’t know me. I could tell her I already loved the baby and that was why I knew I had to follow through with my plan. I could give her a hundred reasons why I just knew in my heart of hearts that this was what I had to do to make sure that my baby had the life he/she deserved, with two stable parents who loved each other and could give the baby a secure home. I said none of that. Cathy was the mother of two beautiful girls that she loved very much.

“I guess we’ll see,” I said.

“I want you to know that if you change your mind, your family here will support you in any way we can.” she said.

Kay had been sitting quietly at her desk, Kay was always rather quiet and soft spoken, but when she spoke up I saw that color had spread across her cheeks.

“Well, I want you to know that you have my support now, and I am really proud of your decision.”

I had always liked Kay but she and I didn’t have much in the way of common ground. She was ten years older than me and lived at home with her parents that she took care of. When some of us went to the movies or dinner together, she always went home. I was never really clear if she had to go home or she preferred to go home, and it’s not really my nature to pry so I just left it alone. However, for her soft spoken demeanor this outpouring of support was unexpected and welcome. Cathy was surprised.

“I didn’t mean that I don’t support her now, I just wanted her to know that she has options.” Cathy said.

“I got pregnant, when I was in college,” Kay said softly, “and everyone kept reminding me that I had options, while they kept pushing me towards one option. The option that they thought was best.”

Kay turned her green eyes on me, they were shining with tears. “I’ve always wondered if the reason I’ve never found someone to share my life with is because I terminated that pregnancy. Maybe God is punishing me for being selfish.”

Tears welled in my eyes and I crossed to the room and I hugged her. We hugged and cried for several minutes, and Cathy stood by awkwardly her own eyes filled with tears.

“I got pregnant in high school, and I terminated it,” she said “I always wondered if that baby would’ve been the son that Chuck and I always wanted.”

Cathy had married her high school sweetheart, and it always seemed to me that they had the storybook life that you see in the movies. They met and fell in love as teenagers, they went on to college, then got married, have a house, two beautiful little girls, etc. etc.

My heart ached for them, for the babies that they lost, the punishment that they thought they had brought on themselves, and the pain that the loss obviously still held for them. We talked for a long time that evening, and long after the tears were dry the heartache lingered. I don’t believe that they were bring punished or kept from what they wanted because of decisions they made in the past, but what I believe is irrelevant, clearly that is what they believed and that made their choice so difficult to make peace with.

The conversation took me on an emotional roller coast, it left me exhausted, but at the end I was aware of two things – the first was that no matter what decision I made, there would be loss, doubt, and overwhelming emotions.  The second thing was that I was even more committed to my adoption plan, as if I even thought that was possible. (Can you go from 100% to 110%?) I knew that Cathy was right, I loved the baby now and I would love it even more when I could hold it in my arms and count the ten fingers and ten tiny little toes, but sometimes love is letting go. Sometimes you have to love someone enough to do the right thing, not the thing that feels right in that one tiny moment. Cathy was right, adoption was going to be hard, but knowing all the options I still couldn’t see changing my plan.