Posts Tagged ‘Coworkers’

I felt a little bit like I was having an out of body experience in those first few moments after Beth and John arrived. They were holding Michael, looking at him, falling in love with him and my Mom and Ruth were telling the story of his arrival, the parts that they had missed. I am sure that I participated in the conversation but to be honest, at that point between the labor and all the emotions of the day, I was exhausted. I remember taking a little bit of teasing for going to work while I was in labor, but mostly I just remember feeling that there was very much a glow of warmth and love in the room. However it wasn’t long before nurses arrived, it was time for Michael to go to the nursery for some tests and for me to be moved out of a labor and delivery room and into another room. (It was at that point that they realized I was still pretty numb from the waist down.)

Beth and John left to go check in their hotel, my Mom had to leave to go check on my cousins, and Ruth disappeared as well so  suddenly I was tucked into a room where I promptly fell asleep. I woke up from my nap to Ruth coming in my room with a big box! Inside was a beautiful and very modest night gown. (I guess my big comfy night shirt was probably not the best item for receiving visitors.)  They brought Michael into my room around that time, and I held him and gave him a bottle while Ruth and I talked. She has known me since I was ten days old, and been there for all of my important milestones, but she said she had never been as proud of me or as afraid for me, as she was now. She was happy to meet Beth and John, and she knew I was doing the right thing, but she worried about the toll losing my son would take on me.I put on a brave face and tried my best to reassure her, but  holding Michael in my arms I was aware that the deadline for saying goodbye to him was creeping closer. I knew that what was coming was not going to be easy, but I wasn’t sure when it would hit me.

That night and the next day passed in a blur. A delicate dance began as Beth and John tried very hard not to make me feel pushed off to the side, and to give me time with Michael, but they also wanted to be close to their new son. I was touched at the number of people who came up to the hospital to see me. I woke up early in the morning to Uncle Jerry sitting in the rocking chair beside my bed. He showed me a picture of his son, that he had relinquished his rights too, and advised me that until Rob and I made some sort of peace I would have a hard time moving forward. Cathy and Kay came up to see me and told me how beautiful (and how BIG) Michael was. Girlfriends buzzed in and out. Even Doctor A’s nurse Janet came up to see me.

The hardest visit was when my Dad came to the hospital. He had really struggled with my pregnancy, knowing what was coming. I think he had tried to hold Michael at a distance to keep from getting too attached. He was only there for a short time, long enough to hold Michael in his arms, and then he had to leave. He mumbled something about my cousins who was being discharged that day. When he left, I cried. For all the tears he had that he had been unable to shed, I cried for him, for the grandson he had said hello and goodbye to that day.

That night I was told that I couldn’t take my pain medicine as I needed to be in a completely clear mental state for the paperwork I had to sign the next day. (At that time the baby had to be so many hours old before you could technically terminate your parental rights, I’m sure like all laws that varies from state to state as well.) I didn’t think that stopping to take my pain meds was going to be a big deal, after all I was taking Tylenol! However, I woke up in the middle of the night and realized that I had definitely had an 8.8 pound baby and that was going to be something that would not heal right away! (It’s a dull achy kind of pain but it was enough that I wished I had my prescription strength Tylenol.) However, I knew that the moment I dreaded the most was on the horizon, and even Tylenol couldn’t dull that pain for me, so there was nothing to do but rest and wait for the Attorney to arrive so the papers could be signed.

My weekly appointment came and went, still no dilation, and I was still on track to be induced at the end of the week. I was clearing everything off my desk at work so that at the end of the week, so I wouldn’t leave anything behind. Still dealing with pupps and finding it hard to sleep at night made the last week of pregnancy a bit of a rough ride, I was tired all day but I had too much to do to really be tired.

However, last night I woke up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night, and getting back to sleep proved to be impossible. I would get comfortable and start drifting and then suddenly that position wasn’t comfortable anymore so I would shift around and go through the process all over again. (Ben was so unimpressed by my restlessness that he actually moved to the dog bed to go to sleep!) By the time morning came around, I realized that something wasn’t quite right in what I was experiencing. I suspected that I was having contractions, but I wasn’t sure. (I had never been pregnant before and they weren’t painful…not to mention that two days before I had not been dilated at all and I was pretty sure that had to happen first.) However, I called to the office and said I would be late and called my Mom and told her I was going to the Doctor’s office and why, just so she’d be on standby. (I should also probably remind you that I was adopted so my Mom couldn’t really offer me any wisdom or guidance on this.) Then I went straight to the Doctor’s office when I knew they were opened.

I checked in and explained what was going on, and I patiently sat in the waiting room reading. I was not in pain or huffing and puffing, I would describe what I was feeling as moments of discomfort at best, so I waited.

When Janet called me back and I described what was going on, she looked at my chart, and then looked at me skeptically.

“Have you eaten anything today?” She asked.

“Well no, I thought I might be in labor and I didn’t think I should eat before I gave birth.” I said, and at that moment I really wished I had taken a Lamaze class or something, should I be more prepared about what I was supposed to do?

She left me in an Exam room and came back with a doughnut. There was something about Janet that radiated peace and calm, and with my doughnut in hand I felt very at peace while I waited for Dr.A.

Dr.A blew into the exam room like a hurricane, a very professional hurricane, but a high energy swirl of a man bustled in. He had them hook me up to a machine and then did a quick exam and announced that I was three centimeters dilated and in labor!

“I bet you’ve been tired since I last saw you,” he said smiling, “your body has been working hard!”

It was funny to me that on some level, I knew I was in labor, but still to hear it out loud I was suddenly overwhelmed by all the things that I still needed to do! I had a proposal on my desk waiting for some numbers from Ken, I hadn’t done all the shopping I had planned for when I get out of the hospital. What was I going to do with Ben if they couldn’t take him at the vet’s office today? I had a thousand thoughts running through my head, and developed a plan of action while Dr.A called the hospital to let them know that I would be headed that way, and give them all the vital stats that they needed.

I left the Doctor’s office and went straight to my office. (Yes, I am ridiculous and I know it.) I called my Mom and after a few frantic minutes, she was gearing up to head out of the door. Then I turned my attention to my desk. I popped in the numbers that Ken had sent me for my last proposal, double checked my inbox for anything that required immediate attention so I could send it to someone else, and then I sent out an email to let Beth and John, Mary, and even Rob know that I was in labor and headed to the hospital! With all of that done, I made the rounds at the office and let everyone know I was headed to the hospital. My web team gave me awkward hugs and words of support, Kay gave me a big genuine hug and asked if she could come and visit me in the hospital, I told her of course! When it was time to tell Cathy, she gave me a hug and wished me well. I didn’t know if she was still doubting if I could pull off my adoption plan, but I was well past caring.

Back at my apartment, I double checked my bags and took Ben for a walk while we waited for my Mom. I wasn’t timing my contractions though I noted that they were starting to get a little bit painful, but still it seemed too minor to mention. Ben, the calmest dog ever, and I leisurely walked around the apartment complex and I wondered what would happen over the next few hours and the next few days and thought about how my life was going to change.

You know that feeling, when you’re working on a puzzle and the pieces all start falling into place? That’s how life feels for me lately. Everything is happily clicking along. I had another doctor’s appointment and everything is right on track for where it should be. Work just feels better now that I know where Cathy is coming from and I know that ultimately I have her support in any decision I make. I’ve still been in contact with the greyhound adoption group here, I’m still gathering information. New relationships are getting stronger than they ever were before.

Beth and I have been emailing each almost daily and the more we talk the more I feel confident in the bond developing between us. I have to admit that the scary thing about this “semi-open” adoption is that once the baby is in their arms and the paperwork is signed, there is nothing to stop the adoptive parents from never contacting me again. I had a small nagging fear that once they have the baby, they’ll forget about me and before long the pictures would stop, but the more I communicate with Beth – the less likely that seems. I feel like she understands that I love the baby and she doesn’t seem to be intimidated by that love at all.

Another new relationship that seems to be getting more confusing instead of less, is my relationship with Russ. He asked for my phone number yesterday and I think he’s going to ask me out. I really like this guy, he seems funny and kind. I admit that I feel a little extra affection for me that he could meet me at a time in my life when I am putting on weight and sometimes when I see him I’ve been green around the gills and it doesn’t seem to phase him at all. However, I go back and forth on the issue – should I even be dating in my current state? I’m just not sure. I am sure that when he asked for my phone number so that he could “call me sometime” that it made me feel likely a giggly school girl.

The only negative thing I have to report is that after the Internet fiasco, I went to have sushi with some of the guys from work. I thought that as long as I stayed away from the raw stuff I would be okay. (“Morning” sickness seemed so far away lately!) I had a harmless little California roll and ended up in the bathroom, unable to keep it down. The guys looked stricken and promised no more sushi until after the baby, but it was my fault as much as it was theirs. Frankly if the worst thing that’s happened in the last week is that I discovered that I can’t eat any sushi (and frankly won’t even set foot in a sushi joint!) until after the baby – that’s hardly worth mentioning.

We had a rather difficult week at work, a substantial part of our business model is supported through our Internet business and for a day and a half our Internet went down. We have these mysterious tech guys who hang around, and at times it seems like they are nothing more than over paid children hanging out in the office, drinking coffee, shooting nerf guns across cluttered rooms at each other. However, I really got to see them swing into action when things went wrong. They worked around the clock until everything was back up and running.

It was because of the outage that I found myself in an unusual situation, there was hardly anyone in the office yesterday at the end of the day. Our sales guys was out beating the street, there was one designer left in the design room in the back, so Cathy, Kay, and I were sitting in the front office. The work day was done but we were collectively catching our breath after the craziness of the last few days. Normally one of the tech guys would be walking through to get more coffee or Larry, the sales guy, would be following after Cathy talking about paradigms and other things that tended to make me giggle a little bit. However, today there was just us – the women of our company.

I was sitting on the sofa and I was tired, bone tired. Kay, the receptionist/secretary, and I had been talking about nothing in particular when Cathy had walked in and joined us. A quiet settled over the three of us, it wasn’t an uncomfortable quiet, but clearly there was an elephant in the room. Cathy, always the leader, started things.

“Joy, I hope you aren’t upset at what I told you the other day,” she said “I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings. I really admire what you’re trying to do, I just think you don’t realize how much you’re going to love that baby. Once you have the baby, once you hold it in your arms, you just aren’t going to be able to just let it go.”

In my brain, I flipped through possible responses to this statement. I found none that seemed acceptable. I could tell her that she was wrong, she didn’t know me. I could tell her I already loved the baby and that was why I knew I had to follow through with my plan. I could give her a hundred reasons why I just knew in my heart of hearts that this was what I had to do to make sure that my baby had the life he/she deserved, with two stable parents who loved each other and could give the baby a secure home. I said none of that. Cathy was the mother of two beautiful girls that she loved very much.

“I guess we’ll see,” I said.

“I want you to know that if you change your mind, your family here will support you in any way we can.” she said.

Kay had been sitting quietly at her desk, Kay was always rather quiet and soft spoken, but when she spoke up I saw that color had spread across her cheeks.

“Well, I want you to know that you have my support now, and I am really proud of your decision.”

I had always liked Kay but she and I didn’t have much in the way of common ground. She was ten years older than me and lived at home with her parents that she took care of. When some of us went to the movies or dinner together, she always went home. I was never really clear if she had to go home or she preferred to go home, and it’s not really my nature to pry so I just left it alone. However, for her soft spoken demeanor this outpouring of support was unexpected and welcome. Cathy was surprised.

“I didn’t mean that I don’t support her now, I just wanted her to know that she has options.” Cathy said.

“I got pregnant, when I was in college,” Kay said softly, “and everyone kept reminding me that I had options, while they kept pushing me towards one option. The option that they thought was best.”

Kay turned her green eyes on me, they were shining with tears. “I’ve always wondered if the reason I’ve never found someone to share my life with is because I terminated that pregnancy. Maybe God is punishing me for being selfish.”

Tears welled in my eyes and I crossed to the room and I hugged her. We hugged and cried for several minutes, and Cathy stood by awkwardly her own eyes filled with tears.

“I got pregnant in high school, and I terminated it,” she said “I always wondered if that baby would’ve been the son that Chuck and I always wanted.”

Cathy had married her high school sweetheart, and it always seemed to me that they had the storybook life that you see in the movies. They met and fell in love as teenagers, they went on to college, then got married, have a house, two beautiful little girls, etc. etc.

My heart ached for them, for the babies that they lost, the punishment that they thought they had brought on themselves, and the pain that the loss obviously still held for them. We talked for a long time that evening, and long after the tears were dry the heartache lingered. I don’t believe that they were bring punished or kept from what they wanted because of decisions they made in the past, but what I believe is irrelevant, clearly that is what they believed and that made their choice so difficult to make peace with.

The conversation took me on an emotional roller coast, it left me exhausted, but at the end I was aware of two things – the first was that no matter what decision I made, there would be loss, doubt, and overwhelming emotions.  The second thing was that I was even more committed to my adoption plan, as if I even thought that was possible. (Can you go from 100% to 110%?) I knew that Cathy was right, I loved the baby now and I would love it even more when I could hold it in my arms and count the ten fingers and ten tiny little toes, but sometimes love is letting go. Sometimes you have to love someone enough to do the right thing, not the thing that feels right in that one tiny moment. Cathy was right, adoption was going to be hard, but knowing all the options I still couldn’t see changing my plan.

I have loved having Beth’s email address, we email back and forth several times a day. Through the emails I’ve been getting to know Beth better and the more I get to know her, the more I like her. Some of our emails are about the baby, my pregnancy and their plans for the future, but some of them are just emails about our lives. She’s working right now in retail, but she’ll be quitting to be a stay at home Mom when the baby comes. She asked about my job, what I like to do on my days off, if I go to the beach since I am so close. I feel like she’s interested in me, as a person, not just me as a human incubator for her future child. I can tell that we are still feeling each other out, trying not to say things that will upset the apple cart, but I feel like a solid foundation is being built. Beth and John are planning a visit to come down and meet us sometime in the next month or two.

I’ve always liked my quite, independent life, but lately I’m thinking that it might be time to let someone else in – I’ve been thinking about getting a dog. When I grew up, we always had dogs, and I think there’s a certain magic to the relationship between people and their four legged companions. One thing that has got in the way is that I prefer bigger dogs, and it seems like apartment dwelling dogs are always of the small variety. However, I took an online dog compatibility test and Greyhound came out at the top of the list. I had never really thought about getting a Greyhound, they are runners and I am not, but I emailed my local rescue group to get more information.

In other news, I’ve run into Russ a couple of times, and he always seems very happy to see me. We chat while we wait in line and when we part ways he always tells me to have a great day. He has this amazing bright smile and I have to admit that I’m developing quite a crush on him, but still I’m pregnant…am I allowed to have crushes? or go out on dates? I’m still not sure but right now I’m just enjoying that this handsome man seems to be interested in me.

I still have weirdness at work with Cathy, and I’m really sad about it. She seems to be keeping her distance from me, and she’s someone that was not just my boss but my mentor and my friend. I can’t imagine why she would be so disappointed or upset with me, but she certainly seems to be. I normally tend to confront problems straight on so I would normally confront her, but there is something about this pregnancy that makes me feel so vulnerable. I think there’s part of me that is genuinely afraid to find out what she might say if I pushed the issue.