Posts Tagged ‘Love’

I’ve heard it said that women quickly forget the pain of childbirth, it’s what allows them to have more children. They are able to focus only the joys of the baby being placed in their arms, each perfect tiny finger, each tiny toe, and the sweet curve of tiny little eye lashes. I’ve found that to be true, the time I spent waiting and the pain of the actual birthing process melted away, it is overwhelmed completely by the joy I felt of holding Michael in my arms for the first time, and even the joy I felt in seeing Beth and John meeting their son for the first time. The pain I was totally unprepared for, the pain that still sometimes aches, came almost two days later.

I woke up after my second night in the hospital alone and feeling achy and frankly, a little bit crabby. There was no Uncle Jerry, no parents, no well wishing friends or coworkers, just me and a nurse taking my temperature. (I cannot begin to express my confusion at the process of being woken up to have my vitals taken all night after a delivery, but I guess that’s why I am not a health care professional.) She had a few pills to administer, though no pain meds, not even a Tylenol, since this morning is the day that the attorney would arrive and I would relinquish my parental rights, forever.

I had waited for Micheal’s arrival with eagerness and excitement, I waited for the attorney with dread. My Mom got there that morning before the attorney and just as we waited together for Michael to arrive now we waited to legally give him away. It was horrible, we both watched the TV and tried not to talk about anything, waiting for the sword swinging over our head to drop.

The attorney arrived before lunch with a court reporter in tow, this was unexpected. I thought I would be signing paperwork, I didn’t realize that I was going to have to give my testimony. I can’t tell you how surreal the whole thing felt to be sitting there with my Mom next to my bed, while the court reporter set up her little type writer thing. (Just like the ones you see on tv!)

If you recall, I had chosen the attorney I worked with carefully and I must tell you that I felt like I picked well because even as the court reporter was setting up, the attorney came over the explain what was going to happen. She was a very small woman with dark hair and warm dark eyes, she projected confidence, competence, and compassion. In retrospect, she knew what was coming – I really didn’t.

Just like if I was in court, I was “sworn in” and I had to answer questions about my mental state, if I felt coerced in any way, and then we got down the nitty gritty. The attorney read the adoption papers out loud and I had to answer questions about if I understood or if I agreed. During this process, my Mom started to cry and with tears running down my face I gently asked her to leave. I can’t stand for anyone to cry by themselves, and I knew that if I started crying now I would never be able to stop.

With tears in my eyes, I help up well through the rest of the process until the attorney asked me if I understood that I was terminating all of my parental rights to Michael. (Of course she said it more professionally than that.) With tears streaming down my face I said I understood, and I did understand, but the wording seemed so wrong. I felt like I was on record as saying – I didn’t want him, and I hated that. I hated the way it sounded and the heartache it caused because the truth was so much more complicated.

The truth is that even though I always felt like my adoption plans were part of a bigger plan, it still hurt to hear those words out loud. The truth is that even though I always felt like Michael was meant to be Beth and John’s son, he would also always be a part of me, I liked to think that he was the best part of me and Rob. The truth is that I loved him so much I wanted him to have more than I could give him and that wretched legal paperwork could never convey that.

Shortly after the tears started flowing the i’s were dotted and the t’s were crossed, and the attorney and court reporter packed up to leave. When they opened the door to leave, I saw John and Beth in the hallway with two beautiful dark haired little girls that I realized must be the attorney’s daughters. Beth and I locked eyes for just a moment and her eyes filled with tears, I smiled the very best, although slightly shaky, smile I could muster at her before the door was closed between us.

I was on the verge of starting to cry in earnest, when the door opened again, and John came in. I confess, I liked John but I hadn’t really gotten as close to him as I had to Beth. She was who I emailed with all this time. Since we didn’t have that bond, I could tell that John felt a little awkward.

“Is there anything we can do for you,” he asked in a quiet voice.

I cannot tell you how touched I was by this small gesture. The paperwork was signed, Michael was theirs, but clearly to Beth and John I was more than just the vessel that carried their child – I was a person, a person they knew was in pain.

“Could you see if I could have my pain meds now?” I asked him, “I’m a little sore and I didn’t sleep very well last night.”

“Sure,” he said.

John stood there for a moment and I knew that he wanted to say something. He searched for the magic words to comfort and ease the pain. However, there were no words, and so he left.

A few moments later I heard him at the nurse’s station and I couldn’t help but chuckle. John was a mild mannered and very polite man, but I heard as he was adamant that someone get down to my room and get those pain pills administered STAT! Apparently one of the nurses had the bad graces to bring up that they were waiting on the attorney and though John was quiet he was firm, that someone needed to come down to my room immediately. I believe he stood at that nurse’s station until he watched her walk down the hall towards my room.

I cried myself to sleep after the medicine had been administered. From the moment I had decided to place my son for adoption I had known that moment was coming, but there is no amount of preparation that can make it hurt less to say good bye to someone that you love

I felt a little bit like I was having an out of body experience in those first few moments after Beth and John arrived. They were holding Michael, looking at him, falling in love with him and my Mom and Ruth were telling the story of his arrival, the parts that they had missed. I am sure that I participated in the conversation but to be honest, at that point between the labor and all the emotions of the day, I was exhausted. I remember taking a little bit of teasing for going to work while I was in labor, but mostly I just remember feeling that there was very much a glow of warmth and love in the room. However it wasn’t long before nurses arrived, it was time for Michael to go to the nursery for some tests and for me to be moved out of a labor and delivery room and into another room. (It was at that point that they realized I was still pretty numb from the waist down.)

Beth and John left to go check in their hotel, my Mom had to leave to go check on my cousins, and Ruth disappeared as well so  suddenly I was tucked into a room where I promptly fell asleep. I woke up from my nap to Ruth coming in my room with a big box! Inside was a beautiful and very modest night gown. (I guess my big comfy night shirt was probably not the best item for receiving visitors.)  They brought Michael into my room around that time, and I held him and gave him a bottle while Ruth and I talked. She has known me since I was ten days old, and been there for all of my important milestones, but she said she had never been as proud of me or as afraid for me, as she was now. She was happy to meet Beth and John, and she knew I was doing the right thing, but she worried about the toll losing my son would take on me.I put on a brave face and tried my best to reassure her, but  holding Michael in my arms I was aware that the deadline for saying goodbye to him was creeping closer. I knew that what was coming was not going to be easy, but I wasn’t sure when it would hit me.

That night and the next day passed in a blur. A delicate dance began as Beth and John tried very hard not to make me feel pushed off to the side, and to give me time with Michael, but they also wanted to be close to their new son. I was touched at the number of people who came up to the hospital to see me. I woke up early in the morning to Uncle Jerry sitting in the rocking chair beside my bed. He showed me a picture of his son, that he had relinquished his rights too, and advised me that until Rob and I made some sort of peace I would have a hard time moving forward. Cathy and Kay came up to see me and told me how beautiful (and how BIG) Michael was. Girlfriends buzzed in and out. Even Doctor A’s nurse Janet came up to see me.

The hardest visit was when my Dad came to the hospital. He had really struggled with my pregnancy, knowing what was coming. I think he had tried to hold Michael at a distance to keep from getting too attached. He was only there for a short time, long enough to hold Michael in his arms, and then he had to leave. He mumbled something about my cousins who was being discharged that day. When he left, I cried. For all the tears he had that he had been unable to shed, I cried for him, for the grandson he had said hello and goodbye to that day.

That night I was told that I couldn’t take my pain medicine as I needed to be in a completely clear mental state for the paperwork I had to sign the next day. (At that time the baby had to be so many hours old before you could technically terminate your parental rights, I’m sure like all laws that varies from state to state as well.) I didn’t think that stopping to take my pain meds was going to be a big deal, after all I was taking Tylenol! However, I woke up in the middle of the night and realized that I had definitely had an 8.8 pound baby and that was going to be something that would not heal right away! (It’s a dull achy kind of pain but it was enough that I wished I had my prescription strength Tylenol.) However, I knew that the moment I dreaded the most was on the horizon, and even Tylenol couldn’t dull that pain for me, so there was nothing to do but rest and wait for the Attorney to arrive so the papers could be signed.

When I met Rob, we were both going through times of intense change. I had just left college when the bar that I worked at closed abruptly and I was left without the means to pay my tuition. (I could’ve asked my Mom and Dad to help but I was far too stubborn for that, and really that’s a story for another time.) I had lived on a friend’s sofa for two weeks before moving in with my friend James to be his roommate. I was trying to figure out what my next move was, but for the time, I was renting my friend James’ spare room and working at a temp agency.

Rob was one of James’ best friends and fairly recently divorced. He had dated someone after his wife but the relationship ended abruptly and tragically, so Rob had kind of withdrawn from life unsure if he ever wanted to let someone in again. In retrospect we were both sort of lost and drifting, and almost from the moment that we met each other, we clung to one another.

James and Rob were going out one night and I was curled up in my room with a book, when there was a knock on my door. When I invited the knocker in, I expected to find James or his girlfriend, and

instead there was a tall handsome man I had never seen before. Rob was not only tall, he had broad muscular shoulders that made him appear to take up most of the doorway. His smile was slightly crooked, and his hazel eyes were twinkling with mischief.

“Hi, I’m Rob, James, his girlfriend, and I were going to go out and I wanted to see if you wanted to come with us,” he said and he laughed a nervous little laugh at the end that made me smile.

There was something about the boyish laugh from the strapping man that was absolutely charming. I agreed to meet them in the front of the house in a few minutes and I proceeded to get dressed and ready to go out.

When we got to the bar, I was having second thoughts. It was a bar that was very popular with the college students and even worse, it was college nights. I was going to be confronted with a number of classmates who would want to know what had happened and why I was in classes this semester. I dreaded having to explain over and over again that I was out of money and unsure what I was going to be doing next, however I peeked over at Rob sitting across from me in the backseat of James’ car and he was talking so animatedly about something that I found myself smiling despite the butterflies in my stomach.

The night was a blur of people and loud music, I only remember that at one point I turned around and felt my stomach fall to my feet when I was nose to nose with my ex-boyfriend. Just the person that I would like to say something positive to, about where I was and what I was doing, and here he was with a beautiful girl on his arm and I had nothing to say. I’ve never asked what Rob saw on my face, but a moment later he was next to me, with his arm around my waist, introducing himself as my boyfriend and just like that he was my boyfriend.

Is it any wonder that in the weeks that followed, I fell in love with him? He was tall and handsome, and he showered me with crooked smiles and generous gifts. We started to see each other a little bit here, and a little bit there until we were together more than we were apart. When we were separated we were like giddy, giggling teenagers talking on the phone all hours of the day and night.

The story I want to share with you, may not be a love story, but there’s no doubt that it’s a story that starts with love.

You know, to me it’s all so clear
Every one of us is here
All because two people fell in love
~Brad Paisley