Here is the absolute truth about adoption – there is no absolute, applies to everyone, truth.

There are birthparents and adoptive parents who feel that their experiences were varying shades of positive, there are  birthparents and adoptive parents who feel that their experiences were varying shades of negative. There are no two people who are exactly alike and likewise there are no two adoption experiences that are exactly alike.

However, if you are experiencing an unplanned pregnancy here’s the truth that people don’t always talk about – there is no absolute truth or rule that can be applied to ANY of your options. I know women who have terminated their pregnancies and been haunted by their decision, I know women who have terminated their pregnancies that have made peace with their decision. I also know women who have kept their children that feel confident in their decisions and others who have always struggled and wondered whether they are really did what’s best for their children.

Through out my pregnancy, people told me what I was and was not going to be able to do. (“You will never be able to give your child away.”) I smiled graciously and never argued with anyone who told me what I was and was not going to be able to do because I knew that only I could decide what would work for me and my son.

My experience with adoption has been very positive, both with being an adoptee and with being a birthmother and here’s why -

Honesty! My parents always told me I was adopted, I never had any questions or doubts about who I was or where I came from and I always knew that they loved me and I was a blessing in their life. Likewise, my son’s adoptive parents were very up front that they didn’t want an open adoption, they wanted a semi-open adoption and were glad to provide updates and that arrangement worked perfectly for me. You have to be honest about who you are and what you want and need to make your adoption experience work not just for you, but for everyone involved.

Trust yourself! Lots of people will offer their wisdom, advice, and share their experience, lots of people will tell you what you can and can’t do. All of that comes from THEIR perspective and THEIR feelings – you have to trust that you know what’s best for you and your baby. Only you know what you can and can’t do, what your limits are, how determined you are to follow through with your plans. Take everything else with a grain of salt.

Know that people take their cues from you. This is a little more complicated, but it seems like there’s mystery and taboo surrounding adoption. In Juno, the adoptive parents didn’t have a shower “just in case” the adoption didn’t happen, on the Internet some birthmothers complain that after they have the baby, people pretend like they were never pregnant and it didn’t happen. I think that in those cases the people on the fringes of the adoption are trying to be sensitive not insensitive, they don’t want to ask about the baby and cause a birthmother to relive the pain of losing her child. I let people know that I’m comfortable talking about my experience, when I get new pictures of my son and his family I am happy and eager to share those pictures this puts other people at ease and they give me lots of love and support because I open myself up to them.